Programming Jokes

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Two bytes meet. The first byte asks, "Are you ill?"
The second byte replies, "No, just feeling a bit off."

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Eight bytes walk into a bar. The bartender asks, "Can I get you anything?"

"Yeah," reply the bytes. "Make us a double."

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Q. How did the programmer die in the shower?
A. He read the shampoo bottle instructions: Lather. Rinse. Repeat.

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How many programmers dose it take to change a light bulb?
None - It's a hardware problem

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Why do programmers always mix up Halloween and Christmas?
Because Oct 31 equals Dec 25.

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There are only 10 kinds of people in this world: those who know binary and those who don't.

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A programmer walks to the butcher shop and buys a kilo of meat. An hour later he comes back upset that the butcher short changed him by 24 grams.

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"Knock, knock."
"Who's there?"
very long pause….
"Java."

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Programming is 10% science, 20% ingenuity, and 70% getting the ingenuity to work with the science.

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Programming is like sex:
One mistake and you have to support it for the rest of your life.

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A man is smoking a cigarette and blowing smoke rings into the air. His girlfriend becomes irritated with the smoke and says, "Can't you see the warning on the cigarette pack? Smoking is hazardous to your health!"

To which the man replies, "I am a programmer. We don't worry about warnings; we only worry about errors."

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There are three kinds of lies: Lies, damned lies, and benchmarks.

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A programmer is walking along a beach and finds a lamp. He rubs the lamp, and a genie appears. "I am the most powerful genie in the world. I can grant you any wish, but only one wish."

The programmer pulls out a map, points to it and says, "I'd want peace in the Middle East."

The genie responds, "Gee, I don't know. Those people have been fighting for millenia. I can do just about anything, but this is likely beyond my limits."

The programmer then says, "Well, I am a programmer, and my programs have lots of users. Please make all my users satisfied with my software and let them ask for sensible changes."

At which point the genie responds, "Um, let me see that map again."

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All programmers are playwrights, and all computers are lousy actors.

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Have you heard about the new Cray super computer? It's so fast, it executes an infinite loop in 6 seconds.

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The generation of random numbers is too important to be left to chance.

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"I just saw my life flash before my eyes and all I could see was a close tag…"

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The computer is mightier than the pen, the sword, and usually, the programmer.

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Debugging: Removing the needles from the haystack.

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Two strings walk into a bar and sit down. The bartender says, "So what'll it be?"

The first string says, "I think I'll have a beer quag fulk boorg jdk^CjfdLk jk3s d#f67howe%^U r89nvy~~owmc63^Dz x.xvcu"

"Please excuse my friend," the second string says, "He isn't null-terminated."

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From the Random Shack Data Processing Dictionary:

Endless Loop: n., see Loop, Endless.
Loop, Endless: n., see Endless Loop.

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The three most dangerous things in the world are a programmer with a soldering iron, a hardware engineer with a software patch, and a user with an idea. - The Wizardry Compiled by Rick Cook

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One hundred little bugs in the code
One hundred little bugs.
Fix a bug, link the fix in,
One hundred little bugs in the code.

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A computer science student is studying under a tree and another pulls up on a flashy new bike. The first student asks, "Where'd you get that?"

The student on the bike replies, "While I was studying outside, a beautiful girl pulled up on her bike. She took off all her clothes and said, 'You can have anything you want'."

The first student responds, "Good choice! Her clothes probably wouldn't have fit you."

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Programmer BF thought these were great

And they so were!

The last one was priceless. I hope you don't mind, I reposted those on my myspace.

I liked that one too - very Aspie

I copied them myself from somewhere I came across on Reddit so feel free to copy them again.

#!/bin/bash
#The Linux Guru's View of Sex
locate; talk; date; unzip; strip; gawk; touch; finger; uptime; mount; fsck; gasp; more; yes; umount; sleep

There are only 10 kinds of people in the world: those who know ternary, those who don't know ternary and those who confuse it with binary.

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Nikolaus Wirth (the inventor of Pascal) always commented that while the Europeans pronounce his name correctly (Neekohlows Weerth), Americans pronounce it invariable Nickless Worth.

The Europeans call him by name, the Americans by Value.

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God is real -- unless He is declared integer.

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A Cobol programmer who came out of retirement to fix various Y2K bugs decided he could not possibly be arsed to deal with the issues which would come after this date. He just wanted to enjoy his free time and no longer be bothered with Cobol anymore. So he decided to spend some time in cryogenic sleep. He hoped that in 2002 all the major bugs have been found and no one would annoy him anymore...

...when he woke up, he realized that everything looked unexpected... far more unexpected than he would have imagined. A group of people, who also look far more different than anyone he ever saw hurried to his bed and expressed how happy they were that he woke up. He learned that the timer failed and that he was woken up in the year 9999. Eventually he asked: "Why is everyone here so happy to see me?"

"Well, according to your files, you are one of the few people who know Cobol..."

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This is a true story...

I was writing what you'd call some application software, using a database library, on an ancient Data General machine. It wasn't working properly, and I called in the author of the database software, to help me track down the problem.

After a lot of effort, we found that in was a bug in the OS that was causing the problem, and we managed to solve the problem with a work-round.

About a month later, he sent me a photocopy of an advertisement from IBM (this is before the days of Microsoft). The advertisement was being terribly honest, and said that every time they made a new release of their OS software, they estimated there would be 1,000 bugs in it.

Over the photocopy, he had written "Great news, Lau! We've only got another 999 to find!"

There are 2 kinds of programmers:
1. those who start their arrays at 1
and 1. those who start their arrays at 0.

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A pastor, a lawyer and a programmer got into an argument on whether a wife or a girlfriend was better.

The pastor said that a wife was better because God intended us to marry.

The lawyer argued that a girlfriend would be better because in this case, breaking up would be possible without as much trouble.

The programmer stated: "I have both!" the other 2 can not believe him, so he explains. "They know of each other and so when I'm away, my wife thinks, that I'm at my girlfriend and my girlfriend thinks that I'm at my wife... and then I have enough time to program!"

There are 2 kinds of people:
0. celebrities
1. people with undocumented features

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A programmer died and oddly got to choose whether he would go to heaven or hell. He even got a tour to see how it was in both places. Heaven seemed a little dull: quiet harp music and such. In hell there was a wild party.

The programmer chose hell, and got himself an eternal torture. Of course he complained, but got a reply: "Oh yes, sorry - that party was a demo."