Hi, I'm a 40 year old guy, married for 11 years now. And I have a beautiful nine year old daughter. Past two years have been a bit of a bumpy ride at work, which eventually led to my diagnose.
I've got an office job. My job as a customs specialist doesn't normally really require much interaction with other people. I can analyse my data, create/run reports, issue my certificates and customs declaration by myself easily. I don't have any problems with communicating about the things that I am responsible for. I get all kinds of questions and problems presented to me and I can handle them very well. And that is exactly what I did for the past 15 years. I loved this job, I was able to grow and learn a lot. My manager gave me complete freedom as long as my performance and figures were good. I had my tasks and specialties, and my colleague had hers. It was 100% clear who was responsible for what and what was expected and when of me and her. It really felt like I was a very important cogwheel in the company. And it felt like my manager trusted me 100% with my tasks and responsibilities.
That all changed. The culture is changing and I have a new boss that adheres to that new culture. We have to do everything together now and it's terribly exhausting! Everything has to be talked about. I can't decide anything myself anymore. And where I have to share tasks with others, I find myself to just let go. Which isn't good of course. I'm clinging to the few chores that are left that I am allowed to do alone. But they even want those! Where I used to have my own tasks an responsibilities I now have 100% 'shared' ones. And for me they feel like they're not even mine anymore. I don't feel responsible for the tasks anymore. In my eyes, they've been taken away from me. I feel like an intern that's temporarily taking over someones chores, even though I've done that work for ages. It's exactly like trying to sweep the floor with a broom whilst two other extra people are holding the broom as well. I feel worthless.
What's even stranger, my yearly- and half-yearly appraisals have been exemplary. I'm meeting objectives, that I also share with my colleague, and bonuses are awarded to me. Bonuses for which, in my eyes, I hardly did anything. But I'm praised for being such a valued employee. I don't get it. I'm doing something good, but I don't realize it and don't enjoy it.
The office changed as well. Around the same time as the cultural change, they also started reworking the office. We no longer have our own desks. Each morning we have to search for a place. No more meeting rooms, meetings are to be held among the work places. There is constant activity around me. And I feel paralyzed. And when I leave at the end of the day I am exhausted, even though I managed to do very little.
My 40th birthday was a climax that led me to thinking that there's something wrong with me. We had a small birthday party at our house. There were 22 people there. But I've never felt so alone. I was unable to follow or join any conversation. At one point I just hid in the kitchen, tidying up, trying to get some breath. Some people decided to join me in the cleaning to keep me company and help speed up the chores that I created for myself. I literally couldn't breathe anymore and just had to go outside.
So, about a month ago all this led to my ASS diagnose. In the old DSM it would have been called Asperger. They've shown me all the therapy options available and I've joined a group, but I fail to see how this is going to help me. It seems all therapy is based on avoiding the problems in the first place. That is no option for me.
Sorry, this got very long-winded. I've already deleted half of it. Better press send before I read it again and delete the rest too.
10 Dec 2018, 9:23 am
