WHAT is offensive about this?

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A few years ago, a student at my university went missing: we'll call him Bob. "Have you seen Bob?" posters went up all over campus. Two days later they found his dead body. It was suicide.

Somebody wrote " R.I.P. : ( " on one poster in black sharpie. While I was conversing with some students, they mentioned that poster, and all agreed that the writing was "offensive", "insensitive", "horrible", "distasteful", etc. but they never said why. On the facebook page associated with the search for Bob, at least twenty different people said " R.I.P. : ( " in the comments, but nobody on that public thread objected to these comments. Why was the reaction different?

For what it's worth, I wrote those letters on the poster, and I'm not ashamed one damn bit. Nobody can dispute that he's dead. RIP is a term associated with respect for the dead. The unhappy face is a short-hand expression of negative emotion. Was I wrong in assuming there were negative emotions associated with his death?

I post this in the school/college category because lots of people get expelled from universities for "disrespectful behavior", but how is that fair when every person has a different criteria for what's considered "disrespectful"??? and some people can cross that line without even knowing or trying? (I was not expelled. Nobody knew it was me.)

The only sense I can make of any objection to what you did was because it wasn't on an internet forum and you used an internet face. The ":(" outside of the internet or text message might not be accepted. I can't imagine why but sensitive people who are looking for reasons to be upset on top of this tragedy might decide to be offended at the RIP :(

If it was you and you meant no harm, I wouldn't put up a fight about it. If nobody knows it was you, keep it quiet. Let it go. When emotions are high, this is not the time to change the focus to you and make the argument about you. If you've already gotten defensive, stop and let this blow over. Just keep it to the simple, "I meant no disrespect. I miss him too." and leave it at that.

My intention was not so much to ridicule those who took offense at the writing on the poster. True, I have an emotional interest in that, but it would be immature of me to pursue that objective.

The bigger issue is about standards for speech at universities. A lot of people get in trouble without meaning any harm, and since I have a case study involving myself, I'm waving my arms with egg on my face in the hopes that others like me will feel less embarrassed.

What comes to my mind is that, in general, it is rare for someone to write something serious on a poster, so any writing on a poster is not treated seriously. That is probably what people were reacting to. The other thing is that when it comes to death, if one person says that they are offended by someone, everybody else backs them up. It seems to be an unwritten rule of socialization.

Death is just a funny issue. People take offense at anything that doesn't fit what they think is proper. It's better to just avoid the issue as much as possible.

I think you might be correct there. The "R.I.P." added to the poster would be sub-consciously viewed by others as graffiti or defacement, and the ":(" could seem to them to be an expression of disgust or scolding judgment related to death by suicide.

it seems every other human being on earth is so preoccupied with the sawdust speck in other peoples' eyes, that they can't notice the plank lodged in their own eyes. just my 2-cents' worth, not adjusted for inflation. so many people seem to be just itching to judge everybody different from them, as wanting in some odd way.

R.I.P. also is often used in a more casual, colloquial or even disrespectful way these days. Also keep in mind that it's an abbreviation, on gravestones they are used because the stone-cutting costs can rack up really fast but people want the sentiment known. In normal speech, especially more modern younger crowd, it's seen as cold and impersonal - dismissive even. I think if you'd written for instance "You will be missed " it wouldn't have produced the same reaction, and might even have triggered other people to write similar things. And yes, this is one of those really iffy issues that I can assure you a lot of NTs would also have problems seeing why people react that way.

I tend to doubt much of that comes into play here. It is common and prudent to use fliers, posters or milk cartons when people are missing, but we all usually tend to be more formal with eulogies and so on. The OP had done nothing wrong, of course, yet I think other people's reactions are understandable and maybe even predictable since public grief is typically handled differently.

The poster was one of many simple 8.5x11" printouts all over campus. Students can post fliers without a permit and remove outdated ones. I wrote the message knowing that all the posters would be removed the next morning anyway, so I didn't consider it "vandalism" at the time.
For that matter, I was puzzled why those who said they were offended didn't simply put it in the recycling. No rule prevented them from doing so.

As for what I said about not being ashamed: If someone who personally knew Bob had got upset by the poster, I would have apologized to them. The people who said they were offended admitted they had never heard of him before the search, so it made no sense to me to feel guilty for offending them.

I would have been offended if that had been written BEFORE people knew Bob had died. Beyond that it didn't seem offensive at all, unless, like others mentioned, the act of writing on a flyer somehow seemed casual/flippant to the viewer. But I still think the issue was with THEM, not YOU. You did nothing disrespectful.

I've noticed that people get very weird about death. Myself included - I try to find humor or 'normal'ness in the situation; others sometimes find me to be indifferent or uncaring. But that's not the case - I just can't handle the dramatics and fighting and sobbing and what-have-you.

When I die, I want to be cremated and dumped in the Pacific Ocean. Be done with it, and have a BBQ after. Others would read this and shake their heads in disgust or disappointment or wonder. Because death is different to everybody.

I don't think you should worry.

I've seem this happen before. Often, the people who are the most easily offended in this sort of situation are the ones who are the least involved. I think that maybe they feel guilty for not doing something when it would have made a difference or maybe they feel guilty for not caring enough. That's their problem, not yours.

This, and the fact that you used internet speak.

(they may have thought the writer was taking the piss out of the dozens of fakey 'RIP Bob :'(' facebook comments... it's not really something you want to make a meme out of!)

If I'd come across it, I probably would have thought it was a stranger being a bit glib about some poor kid he didn't know. But it doesn't come across as malicious.

I don't think you did anything really wrong. NTs can be as guilty of lack of theory of mind as we are. Hell, I know it was you who wrote it, but it could just as easily have been a little 10 year old kid who meant well too... not every college student is a jackass scoring 'lols' at other peoples expense.

I used "internet speak"? Really?

The acronym RIP appeared on tombstones starting some time in the mid/early 20th century (as far as I can determine), and that was copied from phrases carved in Hebrew Graves way back in the 1st Century BC. Respectful or disrespectful, that acronym has been part of our common diction of death for almost 100 years.

As for abstracted minimalist frowning faces consisting of as few elements as possible: That's been a common art theme in human history for ... say ...

... over 7500 years, give or take a couple centuries.

Just because something is popular on the internet, doesn't make it "internet speak".

I can see why others would perceive it as "internet speak", but to attack it on that basis makes no sense. At best, that's an ad-homonym attack, and a logical fallacy. At worst, that's discrimination against the computer-literate based on perceived stereotypes.

If they wanted to attack the message, they should have attacked its content. For example: to say that it's insincere of me to feign emotions that I don't have would be a valid argument, and I'm open to the possibility that I could be wrong on that front.

Hey, enough with the history lesson. I know where the abbreviation RIP came from.

But in the context that you used it: "R.I.P. : ( ", it was based on internet speak. Why else would you have used a sideways emoticon?

Even if you had been completely isolated from the web and you always happen to draw sideways faces, you are in a culture where other people view it as such and that may be why they were upset.

Next time you fancy doodling on public posters, maybe include an explanatory essay.

It wasn't a sideways face. It was oriented with the eyes on the top, mouth at the bottom. Excuse the misunderstanding. There's no way to type it that way in this thread. If I tried that I'd get the yellow circle with the black outline and the eyebrows.

Better yet, next time I fancy doodling on expired public posters (and that one was expired: the search was over), I'll bring a calligraphic brush and and some Higgins ink and have some fun.

I think when someone dies, it's probably best to never consider their poster 'expired'. Cultural issues and stuff..

But I hope to run into a beautifully calligraphied Justin Beiber poster some day....