Funny professor quotes

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What's the funniest quote you have ever heard in a lecture? Here's mine:

1) "Wikipedia is kinda like...a toilet in a staduim. You know, you have to sit on it, but you don't want to get too close to it because it could be dirt...so you kinda...hover over it."
2) "Not sure exactly why this (a map) is in my presentation...but...um...it's a map! Enjoy!"

3. "The bars and coffeehouses are full of poets and musicians who can not pay the rent; but I'm a successful scientist because I focus only on what's real." -- Anonymous

4. "The most exciting phrase to hear in science, the one that heralds the most discoveries, is not 'Eureka!' but 'That's funny...'" -- Dr. Isaac Asimov, Russian-born American author and professor of biochemistry.

5. "Science is the graveyard of dead religions." -- Anonymous

6. "In science it often happens that scientists say, 'You know that's a really good argument; my position is mistaken,' and then they actually change their minds and you never hear that old view from them again. They really do it. It doesn't happen as often as it should, because scientists are human and change is sometimes painful. But it happens every day. I cannot recall the last time something like that happened in politics or religion." -- Carl Edward Sagan, American astronomer, astrochemist, and author.

In computing, when we were all complaining about the Primos operating system...

"You people are damned lucky to have keyboards to work with. When I was your age, I had to do all my computer programming with a screwdriver".

"...I know my lecture notes are messy, but I was up late....and too much cooking sherry!"

Not really funny, but definately entertaining:

An English lecturer (who in my mind is an Aspie) was telling us something about something (nobody was listening). Then he tells us that there was an author/playwrite who murdered somebody, and got away without any punishment because he could prove he could read. Apparently there was a law for years that anyone who could read was exempt from the justice system.

Where do I begin? These are all from my old IT lecturers.

Lecturer 01:
"Do you like Dinosaurs? How about the Allosaurus?"
"Day of Doom!" Note: He was dressed in some kind of robe (I dunno where he got it) and then poked some guy with a stick.

Lecturer 02:
"I can read 1000 words a minute using pattern recognition!"
"Did you know you can generate lighting with microwaves?"
"Imagine if you could send a pigeon down a computer cable."
"A coffee and a wank at the same time? Without palpatations!?"

Here is another good one

Teacher: Never tell people you want to teach because you want to share your love of the subject. That is a really bad reason to go into teaching.

Pupil: So why did you go into teaching miss?

Teacher: Erm. I'm not sure how honest I should be. Actually I was going out with a guy and he decided last minute to move to this other town, and I couldn't get a job there, so I applied to teach to get the government grant so I'd have some money. (pause). That's not a good reason either.

18. "Oh, CRAP!! ! You did it exactly the way I told you to!" -- Professer Cowen, after a series of explosions in his chemistry class, c. 1978 CE.

Tripping passionately over the lecturn, Boardman, lecturer in logic, emphatically demands of the class: "If I had a COW and it was CARVED out of BUTTER, WHAT WOULD IT HAVE TO LOOK LIKE BEFORE I CARVED IT!?"

My macroeconomics professor is a Pakistani man in his sixties who has a good command of American pop culture and slang. That he knows it so well is amusing in itself and he takes advantage of that knowingly.

Who wnts to get drunk?

Here's another: - "In this day and age, an era where there are people who actually throw s**t at each other, anything, could be possible".

Same professor, one is a thing he did others are well, interesting

1) It was a thursday night. Our faculty had a braai/brabeque, whatever other people call it. My class was ariting a test the next day. Now we have 2 groups, the english and Afrikaans group. The Afrikaans group wrote first period at 7:30, we wrote later at 8:30. The Afrikaans guys decided that if they get him drunk enough, tired enough then he would be too sick to come to class and we would not have to write the exam

They took him out to hatfield, the local student hangout place. To cut a long story short, they drank, they quit at 4 in the morning, and he was still going strong, and they wrote the test.

2) A group of students decide if no-one comes to class then they can't have class and then they won't have to ... whatever. Did the plan, next lesson Grimsehl, that is the professor, startet talking about things none of them understood. One brave soul then asked/ told the professor, " Sir we have no-idea what you are talking about".

He looked over at them and said "Why not, I explained it so beautifully yesterday"

3) Propably my all time favorite
Student: Sir will we get this sheet
Grim : No
Student: Sir, will we get this piece of information
Grim: No
.
.
.
Student: Sir, will you give us thid in the exam
Grim: i am glad you asked that, No

4) Please take not of the following :
No-one has not followed on what he has said, yet

WHat are you doing in my bedroom.

"Data is only stored on the bottom surface of a hard disk, because of the dust that falls onto the top surface."

By the most highly qualified member of staff on the Computer Media Studies degree at Thames Valley. I dropped out. Not much point studying under people who obviously know less than you do.

My English teacher in high school once said something like "English doesn't just borrow words from other languages. It hunts them down and murders their families, and then it steals the word"