screwed up royally

Post Reply New Topic

i'm a recent college graduate who dropped out of my dual masters program. i'm planning on going to law school, but in the meanwhile i wanted to make some money, so after applying to a zillion jobs, i finally got a PT sales job at a department store.

i've been taking amphetamines since 11th grade. adderall, up until a few months ago when i switched to dexedrine hoping for a less irritating comedown. i was always really good about not abusing my meds, and usually had tons left over each month. it was a godsend for me with school, my grades improved drastically and actually started to reflect my standardized test scores.

in college, i went through some trauma that i can't quite get over. the only way i've been able to deal with the constant flashbacks, intrusive thoughts, and ruminating is to get spun on my adhd meds and do logic puzzles for hours. i will do this all night and not sleep. i am afraid to try to go to sleep because i don't like being alone with my thoughts. so i've been horribly abusing my meds for some time now and i know it's gonna bite me in the ass.

so now, i went on a dexedrine binge, and i'm out of pills. i have my first long shift at work tomorrow and only one dose of my meds left. i'm terrified that without them, my executive functioning issues will make it impossible for me to do my job efficiently, and that i will get overwhelmed and have a meltdown. i JUST got this job and will feel humiliated if i get fired. i ordered a pack of 5 hour energy to help out (it's got tyrosine) but i'm still so worried. is there anything anyone recommends? has anyone else abruptly stopped using stimulant medication and continued to be decent at their job? i also have a massive sleep debt from all those amp-fueled all-nighters that i am worried is going to trip me up bad. i can't get more meds until the 20th, so i'm up s**t's creek until then. any advice?

Please have a back-up plan.

With amphetamines, I think if you do stop abruptly, attention, alertness can drop.

I mean, be ready to go to the emergency room or even call 911 if things get medium bad, and admit nothing

'I didn't understand the dosage.'

and if necessary matter-of-factly repeat . . . 'I didn't understand the dosage.'

and if necessary . . . 'Please help me'

I gotta think 3/4s of doctors will come through.

i don't think it's quite that serious. amphetamines aren't really physically addictive, although withdrawal after consistent use can lead to fatigue, increased appetite, etc. unpleasant but almost universally not dire. what i am worried about is my ability to do my job considering my learning issues (mostly with executive functioning) and what course of action i should take to ensure i don't fall asleep on the job or mess up in some other way.

I do this, too. And even about medium trauma like things.

I've done this with a college tax book, when I wasn't going to do taxes that year and it was more academic and remote.

And I've had some success, with a single side of a single piece of paper. Yes, I blame myself, how could I not see it coming. I can't believe people can be so mean and so stupid, of course they can.

And with the writing I try and way underdo it, maybe just three sentences wrote on the piece of paper.

---------------------

My family is more anti-supportive and attackful. so a lot of these things I carry by myself.

Ideally, you'd want to put this burden on someone else's shoulders. I tend not to be a big believer in psychologists and/or counsellors because they tend to be "be righters" and pontificators and idealogues for whatever little pet theory they have.

Maybe just a Unitarian minister (and I say this as a good atheist/agnostic!)

-------------------------------

And about the job, these kinds of jobs, getting there early is the coin of the realm. So, get there even 10 minutes early, then if you need to leave, just claim being sick (and please seek medical help if you feel you might need it, and remember, this is new to you). So, yes, lie to leave if you need to, or use measured disclosure, for it really is none of their business. The one thing you can't do is get there late and then leave! (well, actually you can, you still claim being sick, which is kind of true) So, just get there early.

Last edited by AardvarkGoodSwimmer on 01 Oct 2010, 6:45 pm, edited 2 times in total.

One thing that has helped me with these jobs, see I tend to play chess and overcomplicated. So one thing that's helped is to consciously downshift. 'I am 100% caught up at all times' I'm not going to embark on any complicated projects, I'm not going to take on overlapping activities. I also tell myself a solid B game is what I'm after. I'm not trying to 'excel,' that's usually a trap in any regard.

Last edited by AardvarkGoodSwimmer on 01 Oct 2010, 6:40 pm, edited 1 time in total.

By the way, one thing you might want to consider is H&R Block. It is kind of law light. You have real face-to-face interaction with real honest to gosh clients.

It is not an ethical company because they want you to technically disclose but not really disclose the negatives of their bank products. But with you working there, you can choose to do it ethically. And since it's a temp job, in fact they cut a lot of the new people loose early February, it makes the ethical dilemma a whole lot easier!

And that face-to-face is invaluable.