Someone please help me help my son!

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just when i thought nasty boy was gone, he shows up at the house yesterday
both sons went out with him....it was near supper time, so at least i was able to limit the contact by telling them they needed to be home for supper. aaarrrggghhh!! !! !! !! !! !! !! !! !! !! !! !! !! !! !! !! !! !! !! !
when i was young, the only piece of good advice my parents ever gave me was this:
"as a parent, even if you don't like your childs friends dont push them away too hard. ...the more you try to push that bad influence away, the more tempting it becomes for the child to latch onto the bad influence."...............it is SOOOOOOOOOOO hard to follow this advice, but I want my boys ( within reason) to find out for themselves that some people don't have their best interest in mind. with Aspie-son, we pointed out a few times the reasons why we thought nasty boy deserved the name nasty boy......for a long time aspie-son stood up for nasty boy, as son always had a hard time making and keeping friends. it has taken a long time for him to understand and accept the way we see things.....i still don't know that he really gets it.

Hi all,


I (and I'm guessing most aspies) work best when I alaready have a framework to organize things into. Two more tips from growing up what works for me related to friends and teen behaviors.

It is easier to deal with things theoretically before they happen. For example my parents went over different categories of social interaction like using people, friends, partners, going to people's houses, asking for/recieving facors. That way if something came up we could talk about classifying it and then advance to the characteristics of the classification instead of arguing about who did/said what.

Also my parents and I discussed different rule classifications before hand and then delt with dicipline/behavior issues according to the classification. There were absolute safety rules like do not drink and drive and always tell us where you are going and how to find you if we have to (please define have to explicetly or it will cause problems); social norms that have no real purpose but will adversly affect me if ignored; rules subject to negotiation.

Most of what you guys have mentioned are rules subject to negotiation. AS folks will test authority more than others or at least I do --- so involve your kids in making rules and accept their work arounds (like carrying a cell phone instead of a curfew) if they seem reasonable.

I put in my child's IEP that he would NOT be required to do more than 45 mins. of regular homework and 20 mins of reading ( chapter books that interest him ) a night. I simply refused to make him. They were sending home mad minutes and was taking more than an hour to complete them because they were too easy and he could care less I found that having them send home something with a little bit of a challenge worked much better and In the 4th grade an hour a night is plenty for any child but especially a child who is on a shortened day obviously for a reason. we also have a system in place for what privileges will be received depending on how cooperative he is in finishing the work without a fight. I also have him sit down as soon as he comes home from school to do it and get it over with instead of making him break from something he likes and getting back into work. this way he has the rest of the afternoon to use the privileges he earns and we get a lot less stress from fighting with him over it.

Rowan,

First, I want to tell all parents who are dealing with a child affected with any disorder that you are not alone and that you can get through this.
I and my partner have been raising a wonderful son with AS and PA for 17 years.
There are days it is so hard to understand the thinking of the things my son does, but then there are days where my son is doing so well.

One thing to do is take life 1 day at a time and enjoy the simple things.
I have family members who have kids they are pressuring to be perfect. I am happy if my son just smiles and laughs.

Here are some of the things that have worked for us (I am not a doctor. These are just things that have worked for us).
1. Structure is the best thing. My son has even mentioned how he likes more structure than not. Of course this may not work for everyone.

2. Prepare ahead of time any changes in your day. I tell my son 15 minutes before he is to do his next thing, including leaving the house.

3. We have a list. A micro management list. The simple things are listed. Brush teeth, brush hair, etc.. I have found that my son just doesnt think about the things we do out of habit.

4. Encourage short term POSITIVE reinforcement. My son has his list and if he does things on his list he earns computer time. Early on we gave him 5 minutes for each task completed. We do not give computer time unless these things are done. My son will go out of his way to get computer time. We have even been able to get his teacher to use this to help our son get work done in class.
Find out what your child LOVES to do. Use that as a reward.

5. I discourge long term rewards/consequences and some negative punishment. My son just can't manage in his mind anything he is working on for more than a day. I know as a parent it is hard not to punish for bad behavior, but remember sometime they just arent thinking about it. I do give consequences for bad behaviour but I try to think through my decision before I dish out the consequence. I know I can't just allow him to do bad things. But instead of grounding for a week I just take away computer for 1 day and then tell my son I will reward him if he corrects his behavior next time he is faced with making a bad decision.

6. Build a good support system. This place is a good start. Find someone in your life that can help you handle the tough days. My partners has been great. On the days I am weak she is strong. On the days she is weak I try to be strong.

jcmom,

Thanks for your reply. I have not been able to be on the computer for awhile, but I wanted you to know I love some of the ideas you use with your son, and will try those with my son. I do have a question. He has this project for career day that he has to do, and he wants to be a video game designer. It's a pretty lenghy and detailed project, and the due date for it is Dec 5th. He doesn't want to do the project and fights me on it because it's not due until later on. I have tried to explain to him that he needs to work on it a little at a time to do a good job, instead of waiting until the last minute to get it done and doing it sloppy. He cannot understand this concept. Can anyone help?

Another question.....does anyone know if Aspies see time differently than we do? Maybe that is what the problem is with him.

Hi, it's pink
Long term projects have always been horrible for my aspie son. What I had to do was get the syllabus for the project and do it with him, piece by piece. I don't know if that was a good idea or not. He is doing his long term projects in college independently without problems. Maybe doing it with him was a learning process for him. For anything new I have always had to script things for him. By doing the projects together I was able to keep track of his progress, and he worked better with me than alone. I didn't do the work for him, but with him. Try to get him to go to the library with you. They have books there that provide government data about all different jobs, how much they pay, what education is needed, etc. The librarian should know about these books. They are in the reference section and cannot be taken out but you can copy the pages. Then he can look up other stuff on the internet. Make him do one thing each day: assemble his resources, read over the material, type his bibliography, etc. Good luck !

my son always got frustrated with long-term projects...he'd leave everything until the last minute. i've noticed now, however, with my younger son ( not an aspie), that his teachers have broken down the project into seperate due dates . ie; copy of notes due: 12/1, rough draft due: 12/8, final draft due: 12/15............this has helped him to stay on track better. i suppose this would help aspies as well. breaking down the assignment into manageable parts would hopefully help them to realize that it's not something that can be done in 1 or 2 days.

First of all welcome... not wanting to repeat anything previously stated here but has your son had an executive functions assessment done at school? This test evaluates his ability to self organize as well as organize his work. It is very helpful if he is struggling, (he may not be interested in the subject, the work load may be overwhelming, or he may be bored)
My son tends to bring everything he could ever possibly need in his now rolling suitcase. However, when pressed he cannot find anything (which I can relate to I have to force myself to keep things organized or I fall into the same trap).
There is a good book out by the Wrights... Special ed wrights and Wrongs, and there are others which may help you.

God Bless

I didn't read through everything so I'm not sure if anyone asked but have you had him evaluated for sensory integration dysfunction? My daughter has this along with mild aspergers. Since starting OT she has been more organized and handles physical contact much better. If you would like more info please feel free to PM me at [email protected]

Kelly

When my son was in school (I started Home schooling him this year) I had a NO homework clause in his IEP, as well as a NO detention, transportation, and a scribe for exams. Home work is hard for some Aspies because we compartmentalize everything. And most Aspies spend so much time at school learning social things and trying to fit in that they are just too exhusted by the time they come home. It's like they are doing twice the work of the NT's.
You asked if we experience time differently....I am much higher functioning than my son....I was actually able to go to college and get a degree. As a result I think time was more normal for me. But for my son (whose 12) he seems to have a real problem with time dragging on. And he can only really hold focus on things for 30 minutes tops. And if he's anticipating something, a day seems to last forever.

ia sked hubby about the time perception thing, and he responded EXACTLY like Jetson....i mean, verbatim.........spooky