11-yr old unable (unwilling?) to problem-solve

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My 11-yr old Asperger's son was late for school this morning because he said he was too sleepy to get ready. The problem is that he sleeps with a bright light emitted by a fake aquarium in his room because he has a fear of the dark. I understand being afraid of the dark but the aquarium is disrupting his sleep. He used to sleep in the dark without a problem, but a couple of years ago he got spooked by a trailer for a scary movie and he's been unable to sleep in the dark ever since. We keep telling him that the aquarium is disrupting his sleep, but he refuses to try sleeping in the dark, or having another source of non-melatonin-reducing light in his room, despite us reminding him of the fact that he slept in the dark for years without a problem.

At any rate, my husband ended up saying that if he didn't cooperate he would lose his computer time tonight. We went around and around, with him steadily refusing to cooperate, saying he was too sleepy to get dressed, and it got later and later and finally it got to the point where my husband said he couldn't have computer time for 10 days but if he got ready on time each morning for the next ten days, he could earn it back. My son got more and more upset, and kept saying we were punishing him for something that wasn't his fault, which was being too sleepy. Then he started crying and banging his head against the wall in a rage, punching himself in the face and saying he wished he was dead, and that it was our fault for punishing him for something that was beyond his control.

We kept saying we understand that he's sleepy, and maybe there's nothing he can do right now about being sleepy but there are things he can do about it in the future, like sleep with the lights off, or get a better night light, but he said he absolutely could not do that. I worry because he is blaming others instead of taking 'ownership' of the problem and saying, 'OK, I have to go to school and Mom has to go to work so I'm going to do what I need to do no matter how tired I am, and tonight I will try to sleep with the lights off or agree to get a better night light because I know that will help me in the long run.' He seems completely unwilling to do anything differently, no matter how badly it's affecting him. He sees himself as a victim rather than someone who makes his own choices, and he's going to have a very hard life if he doesn't learn now that he does have choices, and that he's not powerless in the face of his feelings. He needs to learn that if he has a problem, it's up to him to find a way to solve it (and that includes asking for help) rather than curling up in a ball and accepting defeat.

I feel crappy taking his computer time away, because I know how important it is to him, but on the other hand, it is literally the only bit of leverage/motivator we have.

How could we have handled it differently or better?

Many thanks in advance.

You handled it fine, I think.
He has the option to earn back computer time taken away, so it is now up to him to take responsibility and control to do that, and at age 11, he is old enough to do it.
You are right about what he needs to learn to go through life.

I think you were headed in the right direction, trying to get him to problem-solve with you, but maybe need to take that conversation slower and in multiple pieces. Really dig into what it is about the dark that is bothering him, and why the light works for him. Then work on getting him to brainstorm other ways of solving the problem. The videos on collaborative problem solving on this page might be helpful: http://www.livesinthebalance.org/walking-tour-parents . Scroll down to "3. Solve Problems", and in particular the one labelled "In this fifth video clip, you'll see some of the common mistakes people make when they're using Plan B."

The book Lost at School, and the audio podcasts on this page are also good resources: http://www.livesinthebalance.org/pycc-plan-b

I don't think you've given him enough options. It sounds to me like he feels trapped. That light is like a safety blanket to him right now, and he will have to CHOOSE to ease away from it, in some sort of gradual manner.

The alternative that jumped into my mind was simply, go to bed earlier. That may be a choice between unpleasant alternatives, but at least then he will have a choice. Neither of my kids has ever responded well to me telling them what the solution to their issues are; they need to get there on their own. And sometimes their choices have surprised me.

Be aware that his sleep needs are going to start increasing soon and he may not only need to figure out how to get better sleep, but also more sleep.

Is it possible to connect the light to a dimmer, so that you can slowly reduce it? It usually isn't difficult to replace a standard light switch with a dimmer, although fluorescents don't really work on them.

And, as already discussed, get him involved in the problem solving discussion and brainstorming out-of-the-box alternatives. Problem solving IS difficult for those with ASD, so don't expect this to be an easy process. Once my son locks onto an idea or has a read on one (can work, won't work), moving him away from it seems near impossible. The broader we can START the discussion, the better it goes.

Be careful not to create situations that will make him feel trapped. He has to see a way out.

Thanks, DW_a_mom (and the others who have taken the time to reply - I really appreciate it).

He has been going to bed earlier, but he tends to wake up that much earlier. We've tried melatonin with the same results. I think you may be on to something when you say he feels trapped; I believe that he does feel that way, but honest to Pete, we have given him so many options for easing into changing his sleep habits it's not funny. The fact is that he is vehemently opposed to changing anything - no matter if it affects him negatively. That's the thing - he doesn't care that he's not getting quality sleep - not if it means he has to change his ways. I wish I could explain it more succinctly, but no matter how many alternatives we present (and I've presented everything I can think of), his mind is closed.

My daughter (who is NT), figured it out, her own sleep issues, over a school break. She was getting so much more sleep and she felt so much better. When she really, in her gut, connected the cause and effect, she bought into doing something to change it.

I think something similar could work here.

How does your son travel? What if you are on a vacation where he can't have that light? How long does it take him to adjust? Can he eventually sleep better, and become aware of how that makes him feel during the day?

The only thing that has helped with morning struggles for us...and this sounds counter intuitive, is waking up 30 minutes earlier. My son doesn't really need this anymore, but my daughter still does. It takes her a very long time to transition from sleep to wakefulness unless she just woke up on her own. For the first 30 minutes or so, she doesn't even speak. I am lucky if I can get a grunt or two and some rudimentary sign language. Actually, my son takes a long shower and is slow to dress, so I suppose he is still waking up 30 minutes early to accommodate his slowness.

The only other thing I would comment on: If I "randomly" took computer time away for 10 days without warning, I would have a lot of "repair" to do. I also, personally, think 10 days is too long. 10 days seems like forever to a kid. What works best in our house is clearly laid out consequences ahead of time. We set them up when we are not "in the heat of the moment" and agree to what is fair. Once you are in the situation, it is too late.

So, for example, if we do not leave the house on time due to Child's behavior, regardless of the cause of Child's behavior, Child loses computer time for that night. We agree to this at some time other in the morning when we are running late. For every 10 minute increment afterward, Child loses computer time for another night. We agree to this. When no one is upset, everyone is well rested, and we can talk without yelling. Then, if one morning, we seem to be behind schedule, I gently remind of the consequences. I would probably give a 20 minute warning, a 15 minute warning, a 10 minute warning, and a 5 minute warning. No yelling. No pressured tone of voice. Just a simple, straightforward, non-threatening reminder.

When it comes it comes to non-time based things, I still give "warnings." It's kind of a 3-strike scenario. The first is to remind them of the expected behavior and the consequences. The second is to focus them on task and tell them they have one more warning. The third is to tell them that it is their last warning. Then if it doesn't happen, consequences are implemented. For example: Child, go up stairs and brush your teeth. If you are not done by the time I get up there, xxx will happen. You go upstairs and there is dawdling. You say Child, brush your teeth. You have 5 minutes to finish or xxx will happen. You will only get one more warning. Still dawdling. Child, brush your teeth now, or xxx will happen. You will not get another warning. Child still dawdling: xxx happens. Every time. Calmly on my part. Matter-of-factly. But very consistently.

This may seem drawn out, but over time I have found it helpful and I'm not really sure why it is helpful. I rarely rely on warnings anymore. Perhaps it is because they know if they don't comply, a consequence will result, but if there is some internal reason why they are having difficulty "switching sets" if gives them an opportunity to work through whatever it is.

Will your son use a sleep mask? What about allowing him to have a flashlight in his bed? What about allowing him to fall asleep with the light on, and then turning it off when he is already asleep?

I think you should continue your current approach on this.
See what he does to earn back the computer time.
I disagree that problem-solving is problem for people with ASD.
I am good at solving problems and like to take on difficult problems that others might not attempt to solve.

It depends upon whose definition of problem solving means. Look at what they say problem solving consists of. I never knew this. http://www.nasponline.org/resources/fac ... ls_fs.aspx

Everyone, what is problem solving? What does it mean?

That page is all about social skills, not problem-solving.
You can say that there is social problem-solving specifically, but problem-solving in general is much broader than social problem-solving.
I want to investigate a natural phenomenon, how do I design an eggsperiment to do it?
I want to move some large heavy object from my living room to my car, how do I do it?
I want to measure eye gaze during social interactions, how do I do it with the tools I have?

Yeah, I can do these things. Why do you spell words with egg in it? But what is she meaning though?

I think that being willing to try to solve one's problems is a really important trait for a kid to develop, which is why I am encouraging the op not to back down from the computer time thing, but wait and see if he does take action to earn back the computer time. Dealing with discomfort like being sleepy but still getting ready for school is critical too. There will be so many situations in life when he has to deal with this kind of discomfort, and it is important for him not to give in to the give up mentality.

Honestly, this sounds like me back at that age. I had sleep issues and was a constant truant, for me personally getting punished did not motivate me but rather caused me to rebel. Eventually it became a way of sticking it to people I thought were oppressing me rather than sleep trouble. As an adult now, I can see the foolishness in my ways but what made realize it was just frustration with my own life situation so I'm not sure there was anything that would of made a difference to me at that age. My parents tried rewarding me too which did not solve things either, it could make me do something initially but not ongoing. Perhaps you can try offering a reward to at least try other sleeping methods? I think with me at least too, it was a lot more than just not being able to sleep that was the real issue but rather school itself. Perhaps there is more going on underneath the surface.

I don't know - it sounds like everyone is getting fixated on the fake aquarium when that may not be the issue at all. Different people react differently to light during sleep.

But let's say it is the aquarium, why not try moving it to another place in the room or shielding the light a bit.

I agree that it is important to help a kid develop the ability to solve life-skills type problems. I disagree that taking away computer time is the way to do it. Taking away/earning back computer time is all about motivation -- can we motivate this kid to solve the problem? It doesn't actually teach him the SKILLS of identifying the root cause of the problem, brainstorming possible solutions to the problem, selecting a solution, doing a trial run, and evaluating whether or not the chosen solution solved the problem. The Greene "Plan B" method is designed to teach these skills, over time and with a LOT of practice.

KrisKringle, btbnnyr and others. I did not want to derail this thread but I started another one because I have questions. Would you all come and please answer?

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