Extra-Curriculars

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Signed DS up for what I thought was a "safe" club/team. It revolves around his special interest, his 2-3 friends (also a little 'unusual' like him) are in it, and he seems to be enjoying it so far. And then we got a phone call from the coach complaining about all the kids' behavior. Then we got an email saying that behavior was "unacceptable". None of the kids are doing anything awful, it's just that there is a competitive aspect to the club and the kids are not taking it as seriously as the coaches would like. It's starting to bother me because I don't want my son to begin to be treated badly by these people. I also don't want to pull him out of the group because a) it cost quite a bit to participate b) it only runs for another month c) DS is enjoying it so far d) I don't want to teach DS to quit or give up easily. I am considering sitting in on meetings from now on - the problem with that is I have some PTSD from a former abusive marriage, and the coaches are men. If I get into a disagreement with them I'll probably start shaking and crying and generally freaking out (either that or I'll fly into a crazy rage; it can really go either way).
Any suggestions?

Do you know any of the other kids' parents well enough to talk about this with them? I ask b/c you do not want to get ganged up on by coaches and I think either a bunch of you should go observe, or maybe there is a chance that a parent with NT magic social skills will know how to handle it, and volunteer to do so on behalf of the group.

If this is something you are paying for and the kids are all (or most of them are) preferring a different team approach than maybe it is the coaches that need to adjust?

No, I don't know the other parents. I'm a hermit. (not sarcasm)
I agree that it'd probably be best if the coaches relaxed a little, but I'm not counting on that happening. I think it's a shame that there are so few school activities that value participation/fun/team-building above winning. I always knew it was that way with sports, but this club is not a sport. I don't know what these coaches were expecting, but this activity attracted a lot of the neurodiverse crowd. If they don't have experience with autism or BAP, they are probably losing their minds.

you could or should sit in and not say anything rightaway to the coaches, except normal hello and so
just see how they work and reflect on that
but also it would be good to be on speaking terms with the parents of his friends
you must push yourself for your kid sometimes and your kid is a good reason to push yourself (into the world)
and the plus is, you're giving the example of managing a challenge

Did the coaches elaborate to explain what they mean by "unacceptable" behavior?

Some school activities are also available through community groups.

Whether it is Robotics, Chess, Debate, theater or ....
You might check this out.

You might also as suggested find out what the behavior(s) reportedly are.
They might be anything from random noises to hacking.

Do you attend I. E. P. Meetings? Those also might be a place to address concerns. Other would be a smaller meeting with select staff and the club sponsor.

Since I have limited input the above might be way off base.

Me
Still too old to know it all

The club involves playing with toys and programming. Some of the kids just want to play with the toys; my son is probably one of them. That's what the coaches are mad about, as far as I can tell. My impression is that a few of the kids are good at programming (probably the coaches' kids) and the coaches are not making much effort to help the kids who are not, and then they're frustrated when those kids don't want to program. The thing is, I don't know the first thing about programming, so I can't help in that way at all.

Is this middle school?
If so are there high school mentors also involved.
Some kids connect better with them than actual coaches.

Another option is to find another techie perhaps media specialist or teacher for one to one or create a new club.

There is much learning in play. At least for this righter.

I my mind's eye, I see a handful of techies with good intentions but little experience with kids--or, at least not with kids who don't want to do exactly what controlling adults with a specific plan want them to do. Their use of the word "unacceptable" makes me think they're taking this whole thing too seriously; if there's no actual contest to attend outside this one group, then IMO, they need to loosen the heck up.

I hope your son and his friends can enjoy the rest of their "season" and find another way to continue exploring their interests. I agree that they should be allowed to carry on for the remaining weeks--and have some fun while they're at it!

I can see why observing would be useful because then you can see exactly what is expected, what your son is doing, and how the coaches are responding. The problem is that even if you do a good job of keeping your thoughts to yourself temporarily to give yourself time to process what you see and draft an email response, they are likely to go up to you and say something akin to "See, see--see what he is doing?!" and put you on the spot.

The usage of the word "unacceptable" is confusing to me. If it is a team and they are supposed to be competing with other teams, I guess I could see that the coaches would look at the kids who are playing as a bad influence and/or dead weight or something, but unless there were limited spots to get in, and somehow their presence has prevented more serious (ugh) competitors from joining, I don't see the issue, really. It is not like it were a competitive baseball team and some kids were just running around inappropriately aimlessly on the field and ruining the game for everyone.

I wonder if you couldn't send an email asking if the kids who preferred to play couldn't just gather at the other end of the table or in a separate area and play with the Legos or robotics or whatever it is? I am guessing by the use of the word "unacceptable this is not an option, but it makes the most sense to me. It does not make sense that they should have to quit, as long as they don't get in the way of the serious coders. You are paying for it, and if you don't mind that your child is not learning to code, they really should let it go, as long as it does not interfere with anyone

I think that observing would be useful. You don't have to say anything to the coaches, at that time. You can go home and write an email to them about it later. This may be better anyway, because the coaches won't be distracted by other kids/ parents.

Or, you can email them and ask them to give you more information about what the behavior is, and why it's unacceptable. It could be that the kids playing with the toys only, are disrupting the other kids because they are being loud with the toys. In that case, I don't get why the coaches don't put away the toys. Or, it could be that the kids playing with the toys do not want to code because they don't want to transition, or they find coding boring. I don't know why this would be such an issue, unless they are refusing to share the toys with the other kids.

My kid went to a coding camp for part of the summer, and a few of the kids were very fidgety, or not that into it. The counselors did not seem bothered by it, and made an effort to engage them, somehow, in a way that kept the kid happy.

Maybe the coaches are taking it personally, like they think it is a statement about their class not being interesting enough. Or, maybe they just don't do a great job of engaging kids.

There's only a month of this left? Is your son having fun? If he is, I would let it be. Getting adults mad at you because you aren't doing what they want is part of how children bond with other children. I'm not telling you to let him stay if he's all distressed. But it sounds like the adult in charge is upset that the kids are off in their own world, doing what they want to do, instead of listening to him.

Parents of an NT kid might want to use this as a lesson in respect. But frankly, if your ASD son is bonding with other children this way, I would let it happen. That's normal, age appropriate behavior. (YEA!) I mean, I don't want to say that normal is always better, but it sure is nice to have a few regular childhood experiences to remember once your grown.

Those coaches sound like they are having some problems with group management skills. That's not your son's fault. It's their fault. I would be tempted to write them a pointed email in response.

Last, and most importantly, I really don't think the idea of showing up at the club is a good idea. I don't know how old your son is. I guess if he's really little, or can't communicate distress, maybe you should. But after about 3rd grade or so, that's like, the most embarrassing thing a parent could do to most kids. And it is going to make you feel like you have to get in between your son and those coaches if anything happens.

Oh, I'm not worried about that. It's practically impossible to embarrass my son. I've already told him I might show up, and he couldn't care less either way.