Asperger's Son is Miserable

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I'm so exhausted that I don't even know how to explain this issue. My son is 13 - he's everything to me.

He's miserable right now - he says he hates school, it's loud, it's crowded and he can't stand it. He's frustrated with his siblings (brother / sister) who he says are out to get him and mean. In his words, everything in his life is awful and miserable. Being with us, going out with his family - all miserable. We've gotten him an IEP at school and some of the accomodations have helped - the situation with his sibling - we do our best to talk through it but he's paranoid with them and they're tired of being accused by him.

The only outlet / release he has is going online and playing some video games with a few friends online from his school. The thing is - he's taking this to an extreme - he will stay up till 5am on weekends playing and then is exhausted and can't function.

He'll want to do this and this alone M-Thursday during school day also.

It's become a constant fight to get him offline at a reasonable time during the week and weekends.

It's at the point where I think our relationship is becoming irreprably damaged. He just feels he should be able to stay up as late he pleases - if being on the computer from Friday evening to Saturday morning and then all day Sat/Sunday is what he wants - he should get it.

I don't know how to handle this. With my other two children who are neuro-typical - I could just reason with them, explain why sleep is important or just tell them loudly those are the rules.

With him - nothing is working.

He sneaks downstairs while we're asleep, he's hacked/changed our firewall policies and parental controls (he is good with computers) etc..etc...

To make matters worse - I have a sleep disorder - and him making all this noise and staying up late to talk to his friends is leaving me exhausted and struggling at work

You know, I see a lot of my 13-year-old self in your son. I was also very miserable at that age. But there was one big difference. Talking about being miserable was prohibited for me---it was considered "whining". Staying up late wasn't an option for me ("because that's unhealthy"), so I lay wide-wake for nearly two hours each night. (And that's healthy, of course.) The shrink I was seeing at the time was no help, either. When I talked to her about my troubles, she'd just say: "You feel sad about your life and about being treated poorly", and that's it. She did not offer one iota of advice. I lost all trust for her by then, because I realized she was on my family's side, being closer to their age than mine.

The only method that truly helped me cope was abusing alcohol. I did it by stealing sips from my parents' liquor bottles and replacing them with water. Box wine was my favorite, though: I could pour myself a full 8-oz glass of it without getting caught. Alcohol got me though bad days better than any of that "positive thinking" crap.

While I'm tempted to suggest leaving a bottle of whiskey where your son can find it, it'd be illegal . So I don't know what else to suggest. Other than possibly telling your son he is not alone. And maybe some powerful antidepressants. The kind I'd have sold my soul for, only my therapist suggested "positive thinking" instead.

He's at the perfect age to start aspie-friendly outdoor obsessions. Birding is one of the best -- even if it's winter where you are, make your family Christmas present a couple of bird feeders, a pair of binoculars, and a good bird book. You can start lists of daily observations and counts. Similarly, with the binoculars you can start plane-spotting from the back yard, identifying all the planes overhead by type and even route. Or get a weather station that can be plugged into the global amateur weather network.

All these things can both get a person active in real life with other local kids/adults, but they can also maintain the Internet obsession and channel it into a constructive avenue, linking up with other people in these same hobbies in your area and around the world.

That sounds like a really difficult situation to be with. I feel for you and your whole family. :/

Are there any schools in your area that have classes specifically for kids with disabilities? Smaller ones, perhaps with a few extra adults, or something. When I was in elementary school, I had my own "corner" with a desk at a spot away from all the hustle of the classroom in case I ever got overwhelmed by the noises etc. It was a small school though, so they were able to adjust to my needs better than most. Maybe consider looking into different education options for him? School probably feels incredibly unmotivating and he's not getting much out of it since the sensory overload is weighing him down.

Well, I think he is creating his own world, or reality, which in his case is online gaming. As was mentioned, alcohol and drugs are also used for this purpose. And why not? If one's life gives you no pleasure or satisfaction , why wouldn't you want to escape to something more fulfilling; pain and alienation just aren't that rewarding.

His nocturnal habits are not the problem; they are the symptom. But the problem is not one that is easily remedied as the neurotypical world does not have a lot to offer autistic people. And school, OMG, the worst environment ever for an autistic person. Dealing with all that sensory and social input and then being expected to focus on learning at the same time, it leaves no option but retreat.

It sounds like he needs to be home-schooled. Hours of operation don't matter when you're home-schooled. He could play games at whatever hour he needs to (and it does feel like a need- not a want). Also, the relief from not being around constant bright lights, noise, and smells of school could make his symptoms less amplified. You are exhausted, and that sucks hard, but imagine how exhausted he must be. He needs something to obsess about and he needs a suitable environment. If his particular obsession causes you stress because of the noise, maybe you could find him a quieter obsession, like a telescope. The fact that he stays up all night obsessing won't change. I'm in my 40s and I still do it. We can't turn that off.

Hi SanjayK,

(apologies if this sounds a little direct)...

I completely understand your position. I was like that as a kid myself and my two boys on the spectrum, now aged 16 and 13 have similar issues, though not nearly as bad as those you describe.

First of all, while I personally love computers and so do my sons, I need to point out the obvious problems of computer and gaming addiction. Modern games in particular are designed to draw people in and suck the life (and money) out of them. It's a real problem and one that you can't simply ignore.

So....

You're running out of time to get those problems sorted. In fact, it may already be too late.

You need to regain control without harming your relationship.

So... first of all. The internet is very, very important, particularly to modern games. if you control the internet, you control most of the games.

You need to locate your router and you need to be ready to shut it down during "no internet hours". You need to establish proper bedtimes and if need be, you need to remove remove the power cord from the router (or the internet cord) when those hours are expired.

This isn't going to endear you to your kids but some one has to tell you. Your their parent FIRST and their friend second.

Next you need to establish some serious ground rules ... Meals to be taken at the table with the whole family... without devices, phones, computers etc being present. Sure they can eat fast and get back to it but that's your kids choice. Once they've left the dining room there's no dessert. This means that you can talk to your kids between the main meal and dessert (don't stretch it out, the aim is to provide some minimal socialisation, not to make things unbearable).

You need to think about the amount of time that you're spending with the family. Are you spending too much time watching TV? by yourself? As the leader of the family you have to "lead".

One great thing to do is to take one child out by themselves for a short while and treat them to a nice "adult" meal (ie: in a QUIET coffee shop) with non-judgemental conversation. This one-to-one time is where you get to be their friend. Don't offer advice, just offer support and help as needed and listen. Make sure that your children know that you have your own fears, failings etc. You're not superhuman.

Also... make sure that you only do this type of conversation with one child at a time. It's their special time with you.

Finally. find some things to do in the non-technology hours of the day. Take the kids bowling or indoor rock climbing or to some other activity ... or just get one child to help you cook a dessert while the others play on their computers etc.

It will get better for everyone but not until you take control back.

Best of luck.