When to have the chat?

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Haven't told her yet. She knows she's on a waiting list for assessment and has been for a long time but I'm trying to think (overthink?) about how to couch it. She'll be anxious about it and as it's a few weeks away I don't want her fretting too much too early. She's also got other stuff to worry about at the moment like some school trips (including an overnighter) coming up between now and then so I don't want to overload her with stuff to worry about.

I got my daughter assessed when she was 16 and it was the best thing that could have happened

She's defied all expectations of her and I don't think that would have happened if she hadn't have got her diagnosis

She doesn't hide it from anyone, she doesn't mask. I think she's really proud of who she is and she's absolutely gone from strength to strength

All the best to you and your family DHB

And I mean that as well

My son was diagnosed when he was around 5. I never kept the diagnosis from him. He was involved in different interventions, so it was something he would know about no matter what. He’s less autistic than I am and struggles more with ADHD. I’ve always presented both things in a positive way. Yeah, there’s certain things we struggle with, but I’ve never claimed that autism was inherently negative or something I regret having and would change if I could. He’s 13 now and has never expressed shame or embarrassment about having autism. It’s just a part of who we are.

Thanks dude. I don't really have any expectations of any serious help for her beyond the school making certain allowances and stuff like that.

I think she'll do fine academically, I'm not worried about that at all.

I just don't want her growing up knowing she's different from the kids around her and not knowing why and thinking it's something she's doing wrong. She's naturally pretty hard on herself , when she melts down she can hurt herself physically and tell herself she's bad and stuff like that. I want her to have somewhere outside of herself to put some of those negative feelings.

That's sort of what the diagnosis would mean to us.

Yes, we've always tried to talk about it in a positive way. But I've always pulled back from telling her she is autistic until we have a diagnosis because I don't want to confuse her. She knows about autism, there's a kid in her class who presents as much more obviously autistic than she is (strangely though his parents seem to be in complete denial about it) and her mum is diagnosed ADHD so we talk about neurodiversity quite a bit and how it can be challenging but it's also what makes us interesting and able to see and do things others can't.

But she's very much at an age where she just wants to blend in and go unnoticed. She only wants to wear plain grey or black clothes because she doesn't want anyone to notice a nice dress or a t shirt with a design on it.

I want her to be more confident in herself and be able to express herself without fear.

I think she'll be relieved to have a diagnosis.

Incidentally, in the UK the health service resists assessing children for neurodiversities until they're 8 (unless it's profound). You can do it earlier privately but we've never had the money for that. Of course we've known for years and would have done it much earlier, but it's just how the system works here.

Any time man

A little update for those who have followed and offered advice, which I very much appreciate.

My kid finally got her assessment done and now has an official autism diagnosis. I have all sorts of feelings about it, not least because of the timing. We got the assessment done because someone else cancelled and it was done on saturday. Then this morning she's gone off with the school on a 3-day residential trip. So it's kind of like we've said "Hey, you're autistic! See you in three days." Not ideal.

But to be honest, she doesn't seem that bothered. She was just "Okay, can I play Minecraft when we get home?" I suppose that's the difference between being diagnosed as a kid and diagnosed as an adult.

I'm really happy for her that she gets to grow up knowing about this and not wondering why she's different to the other kids.

Props to you for recognizing the importance of an assessment, for showing so much empathy, and for being a great dad in general. I mean that. She's lucky to have a parent so attuned to her feelings.

Also congrats Little Duck!

Thanks Issy, I appreciate your support. It's been so helpful being able to ask questions here and get some different perspectives.