Looking to know I'm not alone

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In have a son who has recently been diagnosed with Asperger's. He is 13, I am finding him so mentally tiring. He goes to school in mainstream but goes cause he is told to, he believes school should be optional. He is doing okay but has no ambition to do anything. Doesn't have a subject he likes , doesn't know what he wants to do when he's older, hasn't a favourite colour, number, tv program,video game anything! with the exception of eating sushi. He is argumentative , does not see me like a mother but more as an equal, he speaks random stuff that has no start or finish has to annoy the cats even when i say don't, have to organise him, does nothing to help and plays play station most of the time or laptop on ruin scape if he does't go on there he is disruptive, loud and causes arguments with he's siblings using rude and abusive language.
How do I get him focussed on something...just recently bought him a guitar so am hoping when he starts lessons he will get the bug for it.
Has anyone out there got a son like mine?

I have a son exactly like yours. His only interest is computer games which seem to make him behave even worse! He's just had a major melt down because his little brother (3) dropped his gameboy but he decided it was his sister and she did it deliberately to annoy him. Nothing would convince him otherwise. Now he's upstairs acting like the whole worlds against him because he's been punished for repeatedly kicking and breaking one of the dinning table chairs. As far as he's concerned I'm just the evil, uncaring and stupid, <insult of your choice>

I can't seem to do anything right for him

We've had many parents just like you post here.

I think, sometimes, the kids have learned to tune out the world and are trying to just get by. Why? Because life so far has taught them that they can't win, that no one understands them, and trying to bridge those gaps is futile. Changing that is a huge challenge, because it has been cummulative and the defensive response largely subconscious.

I think the first goal is to build trust with him, for him to integrate into his mind that the world can and will respond to him, and not just ask him to respond to it, if he gives it the right effort. Just remember: he has no idea what that right effort is, because lacking that piece of knowledge is the key reason he is diagnosed as AS. He is probably more frustrated with you and the family than you all are with him, and has no sense of how to deal with or resolve that, and may not even know why he feels that way.

Some of the things on your list are always going to be him, and you have to accept that. Organization will probably always be an issue for him, and he may always need help with it. Other things can change with instruction, like pragmatic speech, but at some point he needs to be free to speak in the way that is natural to him, which is going to seem random to you, and the place to be free should be at home, so you end up getting to accept that it will always be that way at home. He may find the computer games self-calming, since many AS do (tough call to say if that is true in any one case, however; while my son likes them and responds well to them, the time spent with them doesn't give him the tools to be better at life's challenges the way his pacing does, so for my son I don't consider computers a "necessary" like it can be for some AS kids).

For now, try downloading a free version of GameMaker and see if your son might develop some interest in programming his own games. That can lead to other things. Also, see if he has any interest in the physical versions of RPG games, like Dungeons and Dragons or Warhammer - these can be hooks into a tangible social life. But, mostly, try to understand where he is coming from and how he got to this point.

My son is 11 and is more HFA than AS (his speech consists mostly of scripting). ALL he wants to do is TV and computer, and what he uses the computer for is to watch his TV programs!! I've tried to explain to my husband that if you want him to play a game, you do not ask him if he wants to because he is going to say "no". Instead, you need to tell him that "we're going to play a game, which one do you want?"

For starters, welcome to the forum. As for your annoyance with your child your really dealing with a bunch of different problems, and not all of them are on his end.

Having a lack of long term plans at age 13 isn't terribly uncommon. Most 13 year old boys don't know what they want to do for their career. He seems to not really care about the future, and that isn't typically atypical for a 13 year old boy.


Thats probably because your genetic relation does not automatically make you superior to him. Have you ever tried talking to him like an equal? You will probably get better results.


So.. he is trying to have a conversation? As far as my understanding of small talk goes this is a fairly typical thing for people to do.


So, your 13 year old son is immature?


Have you tried working with him to come up with his own organization system? Have you tried talking with him to figure out why he can't organize himself?


Heaven forbid that the child has a hobby, and that he gets annoyed when you disrupt his ability to enjoy his hobby.


So, your son is definitely immature.

Look, I don't want to make excuses for your child. Based on what you have said so far he seems immature, and rude. But, that sounds like a lot of 13 year olds that I have known and as far as I can tell none of them had asperger's syndrome. What I am simply saying is that your never going to accomplish anything to improve the situation if you just get pissed off and start ranting about how horrible your child is. The only thing that does is make you more annoyed at the child, and less likely to want to work with him in an attempt to fix the situation.

Perhaps instead of ranting about him online you might get better results if you sit down with your child and have a mature adult conversation about what problems you are having. Perhaps your son needs to put forth more effort into maturing and treating his siblings nicely. Perhaps you need to back off a bit and not bother him when he is on the computer. I don't know what causes the problems you are facing but I know that working it out with your child cooperatively will solve a lot more then ranting about how bad he is.

Your son sounds exactly like me.

I'm not a parent, so take my advice with a grain of salt, but I think it would be helpful for your son to have a written up contract of good behaviour.

Sit down with him and talk about what kind of behaviour you expect from him and write it down. These can include things like Speak nicely to your brother and sister. Don't hit the cat. Don't yell at mum and dad.
Then talk about rewards and punishments. Come up with a reward for sticking to the rules of behaviour that he can earn each week and come up with a punishment - do this with your son so he feels he has input on the decision cause one thing I hated was parents deciding what was suitable for me without any explanation.

With organisation, he might also need things written out in a step by step guideline such as things to do when he comes home from school like unpacking his bag, putting away his shoes. Same goes for household chores.

In fact all the kids in the household should have this done for them so that your son doesn't feel like he has been singled out.

Hopefully when your son knows exactly what is expected of him you can improve your relationship with him. For kids on the spectrum it can be almost impossible to work out what is expected of them if people don't spell it out and having it written out can help them remember them.

Hey, I totally relate to the original poster.

I'm in the exact same place, with many of the exact same problems. 13 year old with no direction, no interests other than video games. And yes, I do realize that at 13, a child is too young to know exactly what it is that he wants to do in the future. This is not what we as parents are talking about. What we are talking about is APATHY. A lack of interest in ANYTHING. And, if one reads this forum at all, one reads post after post after post from adult people with AS who have the same problem. So our fear for our children is REAL and PALPABLE.

My son is a great kid, and he's getting fairly good grades, and he WANTS to get grades. He even is improving in his organizational skills. One of our many problems with him is this unexplainable situation where he does well in keeping up with some classes, and not with others. And when I ask him if he's finished an essay, or handed something in, he will say yes, and that will have been a lie, and he will ultimately get in some sort of trouble as a result. The teacher will contact me , or I will discover that he hasn't handed something in, and it always comes back to haunt him. This kid doesn't lie about anything else. AND YES, I realize that he lies because he is under pressure, and I realize that he lies because he's frustrated. I get that. I also get that this situation is common for ANY 13 year old kid, not just the ones on the spectrum.

We do talk to our son like he's an adult. I do want to "hover" less than I do. In fact, I'd be very happy to not be involved at all in his school work. I wasn't involved by this age with my other older kids (one who WAS on the spectrum).

I actually do think that eventually, things will get better. I don't exactly know HOW, but I think they will improve. Maturity helps a lot. It seems like with our older son, something just "clicked" and he started the road to getting things done. In another thread, a young adult with AS pointed out that for her, things really started to make sense in high school. I'm hoping that's the case for all of our kids!

HI......sorry haven't learnt how to quote other people messages yet!

]Tracker......Having a lack of long term plans at age 13 isn't terribly uncommon. Most 13 year old boys don't know what they want to do for their career. He seems to not really care about the future, and that isn't typically atypical for a 13 year old boy.

My fear is mainly my own ...of course I know that this is typical of a 13 year old boy, what I'm saying is he doesn't care, he doesn't have my forward thinking and yes I have sat with him and talked about the future and I'm guessing by he's responses that the life he has is fine with him and always will be.

Tracker.....Thats probably because your genetic relation does not automatically make you superior to him. Have you ever tried talking to him like an equal? You will probably get better results.

I do talk to him like an equal and when we're alone our relationship is fun and funny but what I do not get is when it is important when he should know I am he's mother and what I am saying isn't bullocks and that I do have experience and knowledge, he does not listen.......as he views are unwisely and immature but they are what he believes to be true. I know not all teenagers listen but when it comes to safety and knowing what is right I find it frustrating to get my point of view across.

Tracker.....So.. he is trying to have a conversation? As far as my understanding of small talk goes this is a fairly typical thing for people to do.

I am simply trying to relate to other parents and reassurance.

Tracker.......So, your 13 year old son is immature?

By annoying the cats this has gone on for years and sometimes its to the point of tormenting them, he does not relate to the fact that they distressed, I can not get my point across.

Tracker........Have you tried working with him to come up with his own organization system? Have you tried talking with him to figure out why he can't organize himself?

This has been going on for years and yes of course I have tried to sort this out with him....that's the whole point I am defeated!

Tracker........Heaven forbid that the child has a hobby, and that he gets annoyed when you disrupt his ability to enjoy his hobby.

Yes but that is the only way to punish him when he either does something like call he's six year sister a slut or he's brother gay causing them upset. Its fine with him having these hobbies but he can not be on them 24/7 and should least try not to do these things that are horrible to others and then proceed to get worse if he is not allowed to go on the computer etc....

Tracker.........So, your son is definitely immature.

Look, I don't want to make excuses for your child. Based on what you have said so far he seems immature, and rude. But, that sounds like a lot of 13 year olds that I have known and as far as I can tell none of them had asperger's syndrome. What I am simply saying is that your never going to accomplish anything to improve the situation if you just get pissed off and start ranting about how horrible your child is. The only thing that does is make you more annoyed at the child, and less likely to want to work with him in an attempt to fix the situation.

Perhaps instead of ranting about him online you might get better results if you sit down with your child and have a mature adult conversation about what problems you are having. Perhaps your son needs to put forth more effort into maturing and treating his siblings nicely. Perhaps you need to back off a bit and not bother him when he is on the computer. I don't know what causes the problems you are facing but I know that working it out with your child cooperatively will solve a lot more then ranting about how bad he is.

Yes some of he's behaviour is just typical teenager stuff I know this.....I do not think my child is horrible I just find it tiring.....I have fought he's corner for so long and have come with strategies to overcome some of the difficulties that have presented themselves over the years. If it wasn't for my relentless effort to find out what the hell was going on I would still be none the wiser. I have done all these things that you have suggested I'm just looking for other people who may be going through the same situation as my family does so that when things get tough I know that it just part of the course and that I am not going mad.

Have a lot of similar problems with my twelve year old. We've always had the problem of her not understanding what I call "social hierarchy". She doesn't notice the difference between herself and adults and herself and younger children. She has the same expectations and behavior towards everyone. This is part of why she talks to adults the same as she talks to friends. From having lived with her so long and observing her in different situations, I've come to understand this....more than I wish I had to. I always have to explain why when I pull rank. Her honest desire is just to be in charge of herself. However, I'm most successful if I sit down with her and explain why something is in her best interest....using facts, not involving feelings. Like I told her I'd stop "nagging" about homework, but she needs to remember that they will put her out of her school if she goes below a C average. She had the luxury of actually choosing her program nd she loves her school. Or when she wasn't turning in just science assignments and I explained she was being unfair to herself and the science teacher. Or talking about tv by adding up together the hours she watches. She is a concrete thinker and needs reasons to be concrete.

When I involve emotional response, it doesn't work.

I'm having success with really puting her in charge. When she got a bad report card last quarter she realized she had to try harder. I just did the shoulder shrug thing (outwardly). This quarter its all starting to come together. You know it would be hard, but if she failed out (I don't think she will) that's a life lesson... a hard one, but life can be hard, esp on those who are different.

She likes video games...we just recently got a gaming system. She likes runescape. The one way I kind of remove temptation is by taking the computer to work. I don't use it there and we just have one (a laptop) so she can do homework before the computer. now homework gets done first.

We have consistent house rules snd she's expected to follow them even if she gets mad about it. She does.

We've had swearing problems when she gets mad....she brought this home from middle school. So that's something we're working on. She called someone a name on the bus at the beginning of the year and the girl hit her (she sat down). I had to explain in front of the dos that if she said that to anyone, hitting was a possibility. She hasn't done that again (she doesn't like being touched). I have had to explain a lot about the inappropriateness of swearing. She's working on it.

It is exhausting....luckily she has her good points.