Telling my son

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I am wanting to tell my son about his aspergers diagnosis. His father wants to wait until he is 14, he is 13 now , but I can sense his confusion and I feel that it is wrong to withhold information. We got into a heated argument.. he seems to think 14 is when we need to tell him. Any thoughts?

My opinion for what its worth:

He should be aware of his own medical history at his age and should know everything implied by that medical history. Whether he will use this information towards his advantage or not is up to him but he is more than likely very capable. Knowledge about yourself does not ever hurt in the long run since he will have to know sooner or later.

In my opinion, he should have always known from the moment you have known, and if he wouldn't understand or grasp it at that moment I would have told him as soon as he could understand, but thats in the past and theres no sense debating that here and now.

Good luck.

EDIT: I also would like you to consider that as he is now 13, both him and his peers now entering adolescence, a time where most of us develop very much personality, he is very likely to feel more 'alien' than ever among his peers, and may be frustrated, looking for the reason why. Middle school is hard for a lot of people, very hard when you feel you cant relate to your peers.

Tell him. Why not?
It's nothing to be ashamed of.

Besides, there's so little significance behind the diagnosis itself
that it's not worth the trouble of hiding it.
My diagnosis told me nothing I didn't already know about myself.
It told me how clinicians classify certain aspects of my personality,
which was useful to know but not life-changing.

What's the counterargument?

If you are getting the sense that he knows he is different, you should tell him. Nothing is worse than knowing your different and having people deny it when they are obviously lying. It's very alienating.

However you should not approach him on the matter from the NT standpoint, which generally holds that AS is an imperfection...an aberration that is inferior with respect to the norm.

Rather, you should tell him the truth, which is, he has very unique neural wiring and likely perceives the world a little differently than most people. This likely gives him some strengths and gifts that most people don't have, however, as with most things, there is a trade off, and it makes it more difficult for him to socialize, accept change, and so on.

You can tell him there is a name for this and it is called Asperger Syndrome. You can tell him that this is has been referred to as "little professor syndrome" because children with it can often absorb enormous amounts of information and become experts on a particular subject.

I feel that knowing that there are reasons why he may feel so different and maybe awkward would make it easier for him to find self-acceptance.
It's something that would have helped me as a youngster!

Like many others who have commented, I don't "get" why his father wants to wait. We're talking about a matter of months here (even if it's 11 months, it's months, not years). What's magic about 14? If your son is confused, and you add to that the stress of his parents arguing about whether to disclose this information, and the skulking about talking in secret about such a major issue ... it seems to me that not telling is adding to the stress of the entire household. Also, your son needs to know. It's a shame he didn't know earlier, but that can't be changed. Information about how a child differs from his peers is hard to assimilate, but generally easier before middle school years, when "fitting in" seems to be the entire goal of life. As Chronos suggested, approaching it more as a "difference" than as a flaw, will be critical to how your son accepts the information. It would also be useful, since your son already seems to be aware that he is different, to elicit his perceptions of what is going on. He may be much more aware than you think. If all you are doing is providing him with a name for what he already knows about himself, with maybe a few more details, it could be a relief. He might be very happy to learn that there are lots of other people like him "out there."

We were first told by my son's nursery teacher when he was 3 that she thought he might be different and speech therapist gave us unqualified diagnosis of pervasive development disorder (verbally Aspergers) but three years later dad still got head in the sand and playing catch-up. Hey, ho. We get what our kids need when they need it and hopefully just before they need it. Each day at a time. Life's never boring. At six he already know and no-one's told him a thing.

The sooner the better.

I found out about this site because I am also a parent and my wife and I were wondering whether we should tell our 13-year old. We did not disagree with each other, as in your case, we simply were not sure whether we should tell him he has AS. The overwhelming majority of people who responded said we should tell him - and we did. It was the best thing that could have happen. He understands why he is different and can put a label on it. We can talk openly and we've been able to buy some very good books to share with him. My advice is that you should tell him.