School Event Etiquette Question

Post Reply New Topic

I don't know if this is the right place to post this because it only has to do with school, but not parenting.

We were at a school event, where they served food in the cafeteria for everyone and had the kids singing in the front. It was a fundraiser, so I am sure there were people there for the food and other things, who could not care less about the singing. They had cafeteria tables facing sidewise, so you had to turn your head to watch. There are not the traditional benches on the sides of the tables. There are actual distinct stool-like circles to sit on.

There were people milling around, getting food, shuttling food multiple times for younger siblings, disposing of food etc while the performance was going on etc. all the while not apologizing or ducking and thus making it hard for others (including me) to see the performance.

I know this is rude, so that is not what I am asking. I am including this tangent to explain that I was irate and even less able to think about all this social junk than I normally am.

People my husband knew sat across from us before the performance, which was fine. This would not have been evident because once the performance began we were not speaking with them because we were trying to watch the group sing.

Two middle schoolers in front of me (technically on the side of me towards the stage) had left towards the end of the performance.

Shortly after, a woman approached me and asked me if the seats in front of me were empty. I was a bit annoyed to be interrupted while watching, and frankly already confused, but I answered politely that there were two little girls who had been sitting there. (I had no idea if they were getting more to drink and were returning. They had cleared up their area, but I really was not paying attention, as I was trying to watch)

The woman had responded that the girls had left (Then she knew the answer already and needn't have bothered me, you'd think, right?) I had assumed this was an NT preface to sitting in the two seats in front, which would have been annoying b/c while she was seating herself, I would have had trouble seeing, but I certainly would not have been in a position to tell her not to sit there, and would not have attempted that. We had intentionally sat in the back, so that when people were milling about I could stand so I could see (I am super short) without obstructing people. (This is relevant, too, I swear!)

To my confusion, the woman asked me if we (my husband,and I) would "scoot up" and sit in the two seats in front of us. I was very annoyed at this point because we intentionally came out early to pick out seats where I could see, when people were being rude and milling about when the children were singing.

This woman, who apparently came very late, already made me miss some of it, and then she expected me to move when there were seats free, just because for some reason she preferred ours. I wasn't thinking it at the time but she probably wanted to yammer with people at the adjacent table, or something, because I knew she wasn't trying to sit across from the people we were "sitting with."

Anyway, I tersely answered that I wanted to sit in the seat I was sitting in, and she hummphed off. I am guessing I should have used some etiquette softened language like "I am so sorry but we came early to get these particular seats," or something more Miss Mannerslike than what I said, but i just wanted her to leave me alone ASAP so I could watch, as she wasted too much of my time as it was.

I know this is long, but I had to provide the relevant detail. Apologies to those who made it this far, Is this really considered polite for people to do? I am not NT so I do not care if I am seated by people I know or not. In fact, normally I would rather not be, as often people try to yammer to you while things are going on. I have no ToM as to why this woman was bothering me. I am sure if we relented she would have been yammering to someone during the remainder of the show (only a couple of minutes by that point anyway) I do not get it.

Edited while typing, to say my husband walked in just now and told me the woman had a stroller (I hadn't paid attention, but I guess she hummphed off with the stroller after talking to me and my more observant husband noticed it.) He thinks she was trying to get us to scoot up so she could sit and have room for the stroller at the end of the table. He wants to know if that is relevant, so I am including it. I don't think so because the stroller would have been behind her, so she could not have watched the stroller and the performance at the same time. Also she approached me without the stroller or the baby (I did not even know she had a baby) so she apparently didn't mind leaving it unwatched while bothering me. Also, she could have parked the stroller at the end cap, and taken the baby in her lap in the seats in front. No one would have taken her stroller. I still think she wanted to yammer to people. Also, she came very late and I think if you have special seating needs you should probably come before the last few minutes of the performance.

Am I thinking about this wrong?

This sounds like a problem with entitlement. Some people are spoiled and think they are entitled to special treatment. Sound to me like she was just rude.

I think your reaction was appropriate and the woman was being incredibly rude. It should have been obvious to her that you were trying to watch the performance and that she was disturbingyou. I agree with above that some people just assume this sense of entitlement and they think that just because they have the audacity to make ridiculous requests of perfect strangers that those requests should be fulfilled without question.

I wouldn't spend one more minute thinking about it, honestly. It is ok for her to ask you to trade seats. But she has no grounds for being angry if you do not want to. If she had a valid reason for needing the seats you were sitting in, she could have offered the reason and perhaps you would have felt differently. But to simply expect others to give up their chosen seats to you because you asked them to is ridiculous.

Mind you, I am not exactly NT myself, and I find people with the previously mentioned sense of entitlement to be among the most annoying on earth. For someone to assume that their preferences should automatically override mine infuriates me. Like I said, if she had a reason that she explained, I might view it differently. But she didn't. So I just see her as a b!tch who thinks other people should move because she says so.

Wouldn't spend another second thinking about it. Waste of your time and people like her will never change and no one else should be expected to change to accommodate their selfishness.

Cool, thanks!

I never understand stuff like that. I just deal with what seating is available.

The assumption most NT's would be making is that anyone who really cared about the singing would be sitting up close to the singers. So the woman who asked for your seats wouldn't have understood why you weren't willing to talk to her. She also wouldn't have understood why you needed the end seats, when she needed them to keep close to the stroller. (Presumably she would want to put the baby in it while she ate, and so would need to stay close to it.)

You weren't wrong not to move, I'm just explaining how the NT woman probably saw the situation.

I think Zette is right about where this other woman's head was probably at. People ask others to scoot seats for all sorts of reasons, and normally they provide those reasons as part of the request, but this woman may have read that you were upset about her distraction, and kept things as brief as she thought possible. But, honestly, she was rude to start with: she should have waited for a break in the perofrmance, and she can't blame you for getting confused or not being receptive. Those are normal reactions at a time like that.

As for arriving early, in an ideal world that is what she should have done, but people with very young kids don't live in ideal worlds. Their schedules get thrown off constantly; don't you remember?

I don't really care for the way they set up the event; is there feedback on how to improve it you can think of to share for when the organizers do their post mortem? Or would it not really be feasible to improve?

I also agree that you shouldn't think anymore about this woman. No one can please everyone all the time. It's just life.

Actually you made me laugh when you asked if I remember being thrown off schedule when my son was little. I think for us, it was easier back then. It is much harder now with school and whatnot. He fights things more now, and honestly we could not take him many places as a baby because of the "colic." My husband and I both have massive issues with being late to things, anyway, so we build in insane amounts of extra time. This is a ToM thing for me, so I have trouble with it. I get on an intellectual basis that this is not a typical thing.

I am sort of understanding this better. I just find it so awkward to deal with, especially when I am trying to watch my kid. Not that anyone would know, but I am checking to see how well he is doing relative to the others with regard to attention span, hand motions, staying in rhythm and checking to see if he is having fun or if it is too overstimulating. So there is an element of stress also that parents of NTs do not have. It has gotten better so I am much more able to enjoy these things than before when I worried much more about him maybe melting down or something.

They have been running this thing this way for years so my input would not be welcomed. I don't mesh well with the PTO ladies, because they remind me of the middle school "popular" table and let's say that I do not fit in. Not a thing I would push with the administration, either, because my son's deal is way more important, and I do not need to undermine myself.

It's rude to bother strangers and make requests of them during a performance. She should made the request with an explanation of why when nothing was going on. You showed up early and were there to watch a special event, and she should have been more respectful. She was also being manipulative by asking about the seats first instead of simply asking you from the beginning if you could move forward. Also, if the Middle schoolers returned, you might have lost your new seats.

People at my son's school are always incredibly rude at performances. I went to a concert once, and three people from the same family stood up right in front of me as soon as the show began, whipped out camcorders, and proceeded to tape the entire event while blocking everyone behind them.

It seems like she was the rude one. I hate when this sort of thing happens. I was at a family fun day last weekend. My daughter was involved in a drama/singing workshop and my husband, parents and I were sitting on the seats provided for the adults, positioned for us to watch on. After the activity started, other people arrived and sat on the floor in front. This was fine, if a little noisy and distracting. Then another woman, seemingly oblivious to the fact that we were all trying to watch our kids, stood up with her baby in her arms. Eventually she sat down again and I thought that she was getting set to breastfeed (I'm all for that, but not right in the middle of where everyone was trying to see behind). She didn't, but then she got up and started talking to some other parent. Thankfully it wasn't a performance, but it was annoying and rude nonetheless.