Control, self-control

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i know it's alot to ask, but i'd just like it if they would do their chores without me having to be a B@#*$....

Ya know, I learned long ago that picking your battles is the biggest part. Since I no longer have any intention of setting him up to fail and then me going the *B* route - we (gasp!!) don't have chores or even a chore chart anymore.

I do write on a chalkboard what needs to be done today - he gets to choose from the daily list. Then, we try to do them together - I wash dishes while he sweeps/vaccuums. With the jobs listed, he can also see that I'm not treating him like a slave - we ALL do things.

If there is something that MUST be done then everything stops until it is done - no television, no gaming, no computer, nothing (this is usually the toothbrushing time). It's not a "do this or you'll get grounded" thing - instead it's just waiting. "Okay, brush when you want, I'll wait." Then, it's his decision as to when he'll do it (usually takes no more than a few minutes and he grumbles the entire time) and there are no extended consequences. Same with the non-chores - well, it needs to be done, if you don't want to do it now, we'll just wait until you're ready. Again, everything stops until he decides he's ready. Then we turn on the music and get busy.

As far as stickers/points/rewards - it doesn't matter to him. If he gets it great, if not, so what? If we remove privileges he doesn't really associate it with behavior - he believes we are thieves. Many times he will stop cooperating at all until he gets it back so we are at yet another stand-off.

When we work together, he feels more a part of things. He gets to choose what he'll do and even have a say as to when he'll do it. As long as we include him, he seems happier.

We have a routine for my son that's on the fridge. Right next to mine. He knows my husband also has his own routine but doesn't need it written.

We also work together to do chores - with a timer. And I'm very specific about chores for him, just as I am for myself. Today, for example, we both did a book/magazine/reading material sweep through our bedrooms - he in his, me in mine. Then together, we went through his clothes and filled up three bags for goodwill of stuff he's grown out of. His room isn't immaculate, but it's better, and best yet - no resistance. I gave him plenty of warning so he could finish/save his game, used a timer so we only worked for 15 minutes at a time, and he knew I wasn't just pulling a power trip - we were both doing stuff that needed doing.

I think that too many aspies view "go do x" as the parent pulling a power trip. If it's presented as "could you do x while I do y", it gets a lot less resistance, in my experience.