Problems with toilet.

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Hi I am a new parent /step parent of a 16 yo with asd.

He has many issues including anxiety ,social ineptness ,clumsiness, ocd ,jealousy of me and his new brother and others to numerous to list.
We are getting him help with a psychologist ,but it is early days yet.

I am seeking advice about an issue that is really straining my patience and making difficulties in my relationship with his mother.

Every time he goes to the toilet he cannot seem to urinate in the bowl.he doesn't want to clean it up if he does it in the night,and gets angry if I tell him off about it.
His bathroom smells disgusting and stinks out the whole house.

We have had several discussions about this,and agreed to write notes etc to remind him ,and I thought we had made progress,He was at least cleaning it if he did it.
Recently though he has started making more mess and not cleaning it properly .

I'm not talking about a little mess,it's all over the floor and the toilet.It looks like he starts urinating several feet from the toilet.He won't turn on the light if he goes in the night,and I can hear it hit the floor.

He doesn't seem to think there is anything wrong with this,and only cleans it up so I wont tell him off for it.

Has anybody ever had this problem and can give me some advice?

This issue is getting very frustrating and depressing.I can have patience with his other issues ,But I can't accept this and just let it go.

Thanks for your time.

Why dont you just make it simple and ask him to sit down to urinate. Its kinda hard to miss when you are actually sitting on the toilet.

It seems like a fair deal to me. He sits down on the toilet to urinate, and in return, you don't yell at him or get after him to clean up.

It's possible he's doing this to spite you, or perhaps he isn't entirely awake when he goes in there to go to the bathroom. Put a night light in there and a glowing toilet seat.

If he has actual OCD, then it is possible that this is OCD related. For example, he could be afraid that his urine is going to harm someone in some way it goes into the toilet/sewers. It's rare, but it's not unheard of for some people with OCD to store their urine in jars for this reasons. He could also be afraid that if he urinates in the toilet, something bad will happen. You should have his therapist address this.

Yuck.

Can you keep the light on all night? You could get a eco-friendly bulb that doesn't use too much electricity.

Alternatively, you could try puttting down newspaper until he gets the hint...

My son is only 7, and I don't know all the issues with yours, but I could easily see this becoming an issue for us. In our case, it would likely be a combination of poor motor planning and poor executive function. That is, first he would have trouble aiming, then not know how to clean it up. Or maybe he's not fully awake when he goes and resents having to clean up in the morning for something he doesn't remember doing.

It may also be compounded by sensory issues if his sense of smell is impaired. He may also not understand the cause and effect on peeing all over the bathroom = horrible stench. In any case, my child only changes his behavior when there is a clear consequence and distinct steps outlining what needs to be done.

Good luck,

Eco friendly nightlite?
Sit down to pee?
Nitetime toilet targets?
Toilet targets
Do-It-Yourself Toilet Target

Trust me, your boy isn't the only man who does this, aspie or otherwise...

I can tell you, for experience, that psychologists are not the best professionals to help people with Asperger's. We tried with psychologists and that did not work. Right now my daughter's been receiving attention from a therapist specialized in Autism. It's been three years and she is doing great. Therapists really help because you can talk to them about the problems you have at home and they will give you tools to overcome those issues. Psychologists do not.

First you need to understand why he does what he does. When you find out why then you would be able to help him try to solve the problem. Sit to pee sounds like a good idea, but he has to agree first, and if it is because he has problems with the toilet, then that's not gonna work and he will resist.

Seems to me you are trying to force the situation to make him do what he has to do. That usually does not work in people with AS and you will end up making it worse. You said he is making progress and trying to clean it. If he is not cleaning it properly, you need to show him how to do it properly. Maybe write down a set of steps he needs to follow to clean it the way you want (if it stinks maybe adding a strong cleaning product to the step is a good idea). Aspies are usually very clean and concerned about bacterias and stuff. You can use that approach.

You do not have to let it go, but you have to work towards your goals, not against them. And loosing your patience is working against. The best approach is keeping your cool and try to work with him in getting this fixed. Maybe you improve your relationship in the process.

Thanks for the advice guys,

We have tried the sit down to pee thing but he is against it because" he is a man and men don't sit to pee."
I have showed him several times how to clean it .But he is either too lazy or just doesn't care enough to do it right.
He thinks he is very clean he washes his hands a hundred times a day and won't walk in bare feet on the carpet "because it is dirty"

We have tried giving him the responsibility of taking care of it eg "how do you think we can solve this?" But he only says I don't Know.
He wrote some notes for himself to remind him,but he didn't like to read them .
He was upset about this because he said what if we have visitors and they see it ,they will know it was him.I told him that they would know as only he and visitors use that bathroom .But He didn't seem to understand that.

He told his mum I shouldn't tell him off for this because he is embarrassed.

He stayed with friends for several weeks and said he didn't do it while he was there so he is capable of being careful if he really wants too.

I haven't shouted at him for this although he knows I am unhappy about it,It is hard to pretend you are happy about something like this.

I will keep trying because I must,but it is difficult.

Thanks again for the advice.

You've had some good suggestions, toilet targets are a great idea for one, maybe gently remind him as he goes into the bathroom whenever you can - he'll REALLY not like this one, and getting the tone/terminology right may be a challenge, but it may help to remind him and eventually he'll get into the habit of using the toilet right on his own. He's obviously not a kid, he knows he's doing wrong, it's just for whatever reason he can't sync up that knowledge and actually doing as he's supposed to - try to get him to explain it, be it verbally or written down, and try to think of ways to make that sync-up between what he knows and what he actually does.

At night try lights on the toilet seat, like these - http://www.iwantoneofthose.com/lavnav/index.html - motion activated, gives him something to aim for, cool new gadget, and the light would be beneficial as it's showing him where the toilet is and even when the seat is down, but it's not harsh light which may be an issue for him.

Last edited by Bloodheart on 01 Jun 2011, 1:43 pm, edited 1 time in total.

Here is a list of questions to go over with him.

1. Does this have something to do with the OCD?
A lot of times people with OCD know their fears are very strange and will avoid admitting their strange fears to people because most people will try to reason with them, which only demonstrates the person doesn't understand OCD and cannot empathize with the situation.

He might be afraid to touch his penis to urinate properly and might be too embarrassed to tell you.

2. Are you afraid to go in the toilet for some reason?

3.Do you forget to clean it up when you miss?

4. Are you afraid to clean it up for some reason?

5. Do you have something going on physically that you need to see a doctor for?

People with OCD can be very clean and completely messy at the same time. People with OCD who have "germophobia" aren't afraid of germs. They feel a strong sense of contamination on certain things. They don't necessarily worry about getting sick from these germs, they just perceive that something is dirty, much in the sense our ancestors did before anyone knew anything about germs.

When he washes his hands well the first time, he knows they are clean but part of his brain never got the message that he washed them, and insists it's dirty and he must wash them again. To get him to do what it deems necessary, it gives him the sensation that his hands are still dirty, and an overwhelming urge to wash them.

I generally don't advocating facilitating OCD but since he is not opening up to you and this is driving you crazy, you might consider putting some latex gloves in the bathroom and seeing if that gives him incentive to clean up.

My husband had to be a step parent to my older kids and at first I would get mad at him because he had troubles with them but he helped me to understand how difficult it is to be a step parent. Sometimes I still need things explained to me to understand another persons perspective. So I understand that it is difficult to be a step parent and I can imagine that you feel odd having to explain "private" things like toilet behaviors to a big 16 year old boy. However, I think this may be clouding your judgment and/or making you angry. You say that he refuses to clean and that he is lazy, ect. I understand that you are angry, it stinks, its gross and you should not have to clean it but maybe you need to try and understand that even though he looks like a big guy and he talks like a big guy he may have issues that are difficult for him to overcome....and maybe hes not just being defiant. A lot of Aspies and people with Autism have issues with the toilet. Maybe it would be better for your husband to sit down and talk to him and ask him the questions that Chronos has posted. Its better to find the true meaning of what is going on than to continually have constant battles.

Is this a relatively new house to him? I only ask because you say you are a new step parent, perhaps you guys moved house or the child moved in with you guys.

If that's the case perhaps he just hasn't adjusted to the new toilet location. A lot of people on the spectrum have spacial awareness issues. He did ok at his friends house, he's probably been going there for a while now so he has worked it all out. If everyone is on his case about it,I could only imagine he would be some what anxious and possibly defensive each time he had to go and this wouldn't be helping him.

Another thing is; Is he even holding it to aim? I was having the same probs with my younger son, and we finally worked out that he wasn't holding it because that's just gross. I insisted my boy sit until he was willing to hold it and aim.

You mentioned a dislike of germs, I personally think making him clean up is going to be really tough on him. The newspaper around the toilet sounds silly but I think its helpful. At least this way it's a little more contained.

You've had some great suggestions so far;
targets in the toilet
sensor lights
etc

If all else fails, it sounds really gross and doesn't really address the issue but perhaps you could tell him to pee in the shower recess at night, at least this way it's contained, the urine isn't eating into your floorboards or tiles and it's relatively easy to clean.

Men also don't pee all over the floor (well, most sober ones don't)



This is probably not going to be the most popular suggestion here, and it is just a suggestion, but when you've tried all the other ideas people have given you, maybe you do just need to have a big argument or whatever and get any bad feelings out in the open? Or ask his mum to do it (what are her thoughts on the issue?)

It's very strange that he seems to have no problems at friends houses.

It sounds like it's important to him that other people think of him as clean. Maybe you can play up that angle. I know with my son, he only pays attention to the things that resonate for him.

Also, since you are the step-mom, have you spoken to his dad about this? Is he willing to do anything? From what you're said, I don't think he's lazy or defiant, but he may be stuck in a habit and his mind is not flexible enough to understand that it's a problem.

Good luck,