Autistic Teen (How can I Talk to My Parents)?

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This has been really stressing me out, so I thought it would be wise to seek the input of Aspie parents.

I just came home from university for the summer. I have to say that college is my home. I felt so happy, and then I come home in a good mood. My parents, I feel, make my life a living hell. I constantly have emotional anxiety ("a black feeling in my heart") now since I came home.

Every seemingly innocent thing that I do is harshly criticized. My dad will cause me sensory overload by raising his voice about something I said or did instead of talking to me like a human being. Then, while I am still overloaded, he will try to hug me to make it up, and I calmly say no. He still hugs me, so I then scream as it hurts me. He thinks I am a psycho and asks me "what the hell is the matter with me". I tried to explain, but he just doesn't get it.

The other thing is they cannot seem to wrap around their mind that I have friends of ALL ages (my age and up). All my life I have liked to spend time with people who are well beyond my age. In college, age is not as much of a barrier. People 30+ are now my peers that I work with side by side, and it is not uncommon for a group of people decades apart to hang out with each other with research and academic organizations. My parents think these friends and colleagues are going to "take advantage" of me when I would NOT let that happen.

I cannot stand people my age since I find them loud, obnoxious, and with loose morals. They have this energy about them that makes me feel very uncomfortable and stressed.

I recognize my parents are just human beings like myself who are imperfect and capable of misjudgements. I recognize I am still emotionally and socially immature at times. Yet why does that give them the excuse to treat me like the same kid I was three years ago?

How can I cope with this? I am here for the entire summer. Talking to my parents will not work since everything that comes out of my mouth is "incorrect" or twisted against me.

Did your parents ever understand about your sensory issues? What you have described is a remarkable lack of understanding that seems shocking to me. Would it help at all to communicate with them in writing instead of verbally? You have given good concrete examples, it seems to me they should be able to grasp something like what you have written here. If that doesn't work, do you have any friends or family that might help act as a mediator, speaking to your parents on your behalf?

If they refuse to acknowledge your issues and listen to your needs, I would suggest avoiding them as much as possible. If you can, find a job or volunteer opportunity that would give you a good excuse for being out of the house a lot. You could probably find something that would not be too stressful like working at/volunteering at the local library or helping out at a nursing home.

Well, if your parents are interested in treating you like a person then I would suggest talking to them. If that is not an option (which it often times isn't) then I would suggest just avoiding them. Lock your room door, and avoid them whenever possible. It is what I did during college, and it worked decently well for me.

Please note: I AM NOT A PARENT. I am a person who has lived life on the spectrum.

That can often work. No guarantee of course, but that can often get the odds more in your favor. (And I always need to remind myself, people are so complex that something might sometimes works sometimes not, and to try and have a light touch.)

And maybe these talking points:

Not to be so critical of you.

To give you space if they are.

To maybe offer you a hug, but to respect your choice regarding whether you want a hug.

Good luck with what sounds like a difficult situation.

Any chance you might be able to get a good course or two and housing for Summer II? (My old school Summer II started the beginning of July.)

reminds me of when I came home from college....eeeekkk

they seem to either not understand your needs or lack respect...eitherway. I recomend spending as little time with them as possible...as someone else posted....volunteer, get a summer job, go back for summer courses. live with a friend. lock yourself in your room and come out when they are asleep.

sounds like you have some dysfunctional dynamics in your family and it is best to avoid them untill they can treat you better.

Here's an interesting insight for you:

Full article here:
http://www.foxnews.com/health/2011/06/09/dr-manny-says-autism-breakthrough-is-realfor-now/ (Published June 09, 2011.)

Amazing denial (resistance, anyway) for a parent of an autistic child if you think about it, but it's hardly news that autism (and Asperger's Syndrome) are essentially genetic — and therefore hereditary.

If you kid has either condition, they most probably got it from one — or BOTH — parents!

Hard to believe that researchers don't appear to talk to each other. Check out these articles — and the dates published:

http://www.backlash.com/content/disab/2003/rvm0103.html (10 years ago)

http://www.wired.com/wired/archive/9.12/aspergers.html (8 years ago)

So… which one of your parents transmitted the condition to you?

From what you write, there are some strong Aspie traits coming through, like inappropriate responses, adverse reaction to stress (on their part), etc etc etc.

Try viewing their behaviour through an Aspie lens. My own diagnosis at 56 years old, then the realization that my mother was a classic Aspie herself, transformed my relationship with her after almost 30 years of near-estrangement. I could finally understand her, and it made all the difference in the world to how I perceived her and related to her. I became tolerant, accepting and patient, almost overnight.

I'm not saying that this applies in the same way or degree to your situation, but it could be worth testing for you.

John

That gift can sometimes happen if you're living apart. If you're living with your parent, it is an entirely different matter (I know from personal experience!).

I'm trying to hang in there. Just today, I went to go see my psychiatrist. I decided to let my Dad come along in the office with me, because he keeps accusing me of "shutting him out" and that he's my biggest advocate.

I then let him come and then he starts telling the psychiatrist that he will get conservator ship over me because I did not seek medical care (I had to leave university early because of sensory issues). Then the psychiatrist tells him that I sought medical care over 35 times that term at university, so what he was saying isn't true and no court would grant him conservator ship. He then says, "My blood pressure is rising" and then he storms out of her office.

I was embarrassed beyond words.

When he came home today, he then accuses his fiancee of cheating on him since an old friend from high school sent her some flowers. He proceeds to tell me that my doctors are stupid. He swears using the f word and they are stupid.

Earlier today, he said he was trying to be understanding that I am transgender (I don't mention it while I am there to avoid conflict). Then as I am sitting down calmly later in the day, he towers over me and spit screams that I am not a "f****n' male".

After today, I am just exhausted. I feel like all the joy of my life is being ripped out of me. I feel like someone just took my soul and crushed it.

I really did not want to go back home from college but I just had such bad extrasensory issues that I fell behind. I hate having autism. At least if I was normal, I would have stayed in school.

He will act understanding one moment and then tear me apart the next. It is like an emotional rollercoaster. He might provide a roof over my head, but I am starting to get anxiety attacks now.

I just want to be happy, but I don't think I ever will.

I'm sorry... That sounds like a horrible situation. Your parents... Well, I only have your perspective on it, but they're treating you horribly and they have no right to treat you that way. I don't care if you're autistic or transgender or pink with purple polka dots; you're human and they need to treat you as an equal worthy of respect.

To be honest, I don't know if they'd treat a "normal" child any better. They'd probably just have expectations that the kid couldn't fulfill, trying to turn them into The Perfect Child, and that "normal" person wouldn't be normal for long because they'd get neurotic, and fast.

A lot of us who grew up with parents who didn't accept our autism will have tapes running in our heads with our parents' voices on it saying things like "You're not good enough; your autism isn't acceptable; you need to be more normal; you're lazy; you're stupid; you're immature..." and it's very difficult to turn those tapes off. If you have to tell yourself a hundred thousand times that you are NOT stupid, lazy, immature, etc., that being autistic is okay, then do that. I have a habit of telling people I'm weird, just to make a point--normal is irrelevant. Weird is okay, and just as good as normal. Don't you ever believe anybody who claims that your autism means you're not as good as other people. It doesn't.

The people who talked about volunteering or finding a job have good ideas. If you can find yourself a job or a volunteer position, do that. Volunteer work, especially. I've done a lot of that myself and there's just something about pitching in and helping your community that makes you feel like life is worth it. Of course it's work and it can be tough and annoying and thankless sometimes, but that's not the point--it's something useful to do, a way to get yourself a place where you can contribute. And it does fight those parental recordings in one's brain... when they pop up and start parroting, "you're worthless," you can come back and say, "Nuh-uh. I'm doing something useful, so you can go stuff it."

Your Dad sounds like a bully. Your Dad actually sounds a lot like my Dad, who accuses other people of not trying, of being stupid, and so on and so forth, and telling them obvious things to do in control nut fashion.

Now, one good thing, the psychiatrist saw some of your Dad's behavior. So you might have an advocate in the psychiatrist. (Now, here at WP, I'm generally in the 'camp' that mental health professionals on average tend not to be all that good, that we need to think in terms of self-advocacy, be educated consumers in terms of the helping professions, etc, and I do believe in all that. At the same time, there are some good psychiatrists out there and this guy or gal might be one of them.)

As far as being transgender, the world is a more open place than it was when I was coming of age in the late 70s and early 80s. Still not open enough of course. But there are respectful people out there who can and will accept you for you.

As far as school, what I learned taking Calculus the third time around was pre-study. I tried to run two sections ahead and it made all the difference in the world. I could understand the lectures and follow along with the examples the professor did in class. I later adopted pre-study for other classes. (An exception might be if the professor was an excellent lecturer in an interesting class like history, in which case I might post-study.)

And also, the rules change, but my last school, a person had till the 12th day of a long semester to drop a class with a full refund and not counting toward the drop total. So, that opens the door to a person taking an extra 'back-up' class and then dropping that or another class if it is obviously not working out.

Might you have an Aunt, Uncle, Grandparent on the more reasonable side of your family, who might be quick on the uptake even if you just shared some of what is going on, and who might help to carry some of this burden?

And wishing you all the best in what is obviously a very difficult situation.

Thank you. It seems they don't think I am worthy of respect, because I am younger.



I am glad to hear that I am not the only one that deals with this. Especially with the "you need to be more normal part". My parents call me immature all the time but when I am living on my own, people tell me I am the most mature teenager they have ever met.

I think it takes a lot of maturity to have teenage hormones racing through your body, someone raising their voice & lying to you, and for me not to shout back at them. But then my Dad calls me immature for not talking to him when I just don't want to argue.



I work part time in web development, but I do it wirelessly at home. I decided to volunteer at an animal shelter so I will be giving them a call to see if they would let me volunteer. I ride the bus for free since I am a university student.



I think your observations are correct.



That's a great idea! If I ever get behind with the extrasensory issue, I won't be behind either if I do this. I will use the time to get ahead on my school work a little.

You are right to avoid an argument. When someone says something critical and it feels like they are trying to draw you into an argument, simply ignoring is a perfectly okay response. And the person making the comment should then pick up that you don't want to participate in a discussion/argument and graciously back away. Of course people don't always do this, but they should. So-called 'neurotypical' people sometimes lack social skills, too (and that was a huge personal discovery for me!), and really, no such thing as normal anyway.


Good for you! Sometimes during a difficult time, what can help most of all is simply adding free positives, and not the idea that a person should spend every waking minute "solving" problems.


And pre-studying can be something as simple as, for example, leafing through geology books at the library or Half-Price and picking one up if it catches your eye. I already have formidable study skills with the thoroughist approach and step-by-step. And so for me, it's been an absolute breath of fresh air to add skimming and arcing across a topic. And very good and advantageous to add these kind of skills to my existing set.

It sounds as if your dad hasn't really accepted that you are now an adult.

As was suggested before, you write quite clearly. Perhaps a written dialogue of all of your concerns may make a better impact. Perhaps your psych can proof read for you and make suggestions as well. Honestly, if he isn't able to see you for the adult you are and respect your choices for your life, he runs the risk of having that relationship severed. I doubt that is what either of you want but if he can't back down, he will end up driving you away.

You mentioned that you left college because of sensory issues. Is there any chance of addressing your sensory issues so you can return to school? Perhaps your psych can get you some referrals to specialists to help you find better ways of coping with those challenges.

Im not a parent either, but I found myself in a similar situation.

I no longer share my life with my parents, and Im far far happier for it. I know alot of people will recommend things to try and "Keep a family together", but my experience has been that sometimes, theres just no doing that. Ive been parent free for about 5 years now, any my anxiety levels went down the week I moved out.

I can't talk with on parent, as they're very intrusive and overbearing. The other I can talk to but, they're so busy living their own life they never listened to me growing up, much less now that they don't *have* to pay attention to me.

You can do all the sorting out in the world, but you've said it yourself that there are situations with people that are in essence unhealthy for you and result in sensory overload. It doesn't seem like your parents are immune from causing this condition in you just because they're your parents ^^;.

Whatever you Decide, I highly suggest reading up about "Boundaries", particularly Parental Boundaries. You should never feel you have to do something for anyone out of guilt, shame, or a feeling of obligation because you happen to be related to them. Try to make things work with them or not, thats your decision, but it seems like your father in particular has no built in boundaries and doesn't listen to you, which means you're going to have to build them for yourself, and thats not an easy thing to do if you were brought up without them in the first place.

Hope that helps some ^^;.

Your Dad sounds as though he is scared. When men are scared (and some aspies for that matter) it comes out as anger. He is probably worried about you growing up and he is trying to re gain control over you. Unfortunately all he is doing is making your situation worse and ruining your relationship with him. Maybe you could try acknowledging that you understand that he is worried about you but point out that his yelling and trying to "bully" you is making you want to not be around him. You are an adult and he is going to have to accept that. He may not be able to do that right now so it may be that you just need to distance yourself from him. If he is not willing to talk to you like a human being than what else can you do?
I have older kids and I see them making mistakes and I sometimes wish that I could stop them but I know I cant and I also know that what I perceive as a mistake may not be. I have learned to let my adult kids make their own way and I do make suggestions but Im not going to push them because that is just asking for trouble. I think its hard to break off that parent way of thinking and realize that your child is grown up. Anger and frustration are sometimes the result of this....like I said, if you cant help him to see that he is just hurting you instead of helping than you have no choice but to distance yourself. Sorry you are having such a rough time. Home should be a haven.