Hello again
I would like to begin this post by saying that I don't know how seriously you should take your son's claims that he 'wants to kill himself'. It is possible this is really the way he feels, and he is contemplating suicide seriously. Or this could be your son's way of saying, 'my life sucks and I don't know what to do about it. I am tired of feeling this way and I don't want to feel this way any more'. Based on what you have said, it seems like the later. I am not saying that your child isn't depressed, but I don't think he is necessarily wanting to die. He is just stuck and he doesn't see how it can get any better. However, I am not there and I don't know him like you do so I can't say for certain that he isn't about to try something. So all that to say, I don't necessarily think that you need to lock him in a mental ward to keep him from killing himself, but I do think something needs to be done.
Similarly, I am afraid I do not have much pertinent advice about medication. It appears that you are at the point which medication is warranted and I think that choosing the right medication will probably help your son out. But I really can't tell you which medication to take or what dosage to use as it varies from individual to individual. What might help others might not help your son, and vice versa. I do wish you good luck in getting a medication that helps him, but I am afraid that I have no specific help there.
However, while I may not have any specific information about those issues, I do have some advice that I believe will help you. I think you have read my book, and if so you will probably recognize the phrase "Working with your child". I use it often because it is the cornerstone of my advice. And I also happen to believe that it brings about the best results. Now when I use this phrase "Working with your child", I am often trying to convince parents to take a more supportive and helping role instead of an authoritarian 'Do as I say' role. Simply put, you can accomplish much more with your child when you are both working towards the same goal instead of the parent trying to force the child into doing something that they dont want to do.
Unfortunately, you happen to find yourself in a position where you are not 'working with your child', but it isn't through any fault of your own. In many cases, this situation occurs because the parent isn't taking the child seriously and trying to make the effort to work with them. This isn't the cause of your dilemma. In your case, the reason you aren't working with the child is because your child doesn't want to work on his problems. And when you child isn't willing to work on his problems, then no amount of support, help, or action on your part will constitute working 'with' the child as there is no way to work 'with' somebody who isn't willing to work.
Now I don't mean to call your son lazy, as I have been depressed and I know what it's like. But ultimately, as long as he isn't working on pulling out of this depression and giving his life meaning, then there is no way you are going to be able to solve this problem. You can help, and support, and assist, and encourage, but your son is going to have to make the decision himself to deal with these problems, and put forth work in order to accomplish anything. I know that this may not be what you want to hear, but until your son decides to work on the problems that he faces, there is nothing you can do about it. However, that doesn't mean that there isn't any hope. You just have to convince your child to take action to help himself, which is unfortunately easier said then done.
But in order to help, you need to understand why he hasn't helped himself already. When most people think 'depression' they think it is just being really sad. But while being sad is part of it, it isn't the entirety of it. For example, people get sad when their pets die, but most people don't fall into depression and want to kill themselves. What separates depression from merely being saddened is that when you are depressed, you don't feel as though you can do anything about it. You feel as though you will never get better, and that any attempt to even try is a fruitless waste of effort that is just going to leave you more disappointed.
Mostly, this situation comes about after a series of failures where your son tried really hard, and failed miserably. For example, he tried school, and even putting forth a ridiculous effort, he is barely able to get through the day. He has tried making friends and the only thing he has gotten thus far has been bullies. He has tried to deal with the problems on his own, and without any support from the school, all he has received is failure and a lecture to 'try harder'. When you try as hard as you can and just keep hitting brick wall after brick wall, it discourages you from even trying. You only need to smack your head into a brick wall so many times before you learn it is better not to try.
Unfortunately, this also ruins one's self esteem and makes the person feel worthless. And when you feel worthless, you don't hear anything people say to cheer you up. You can sit there and tell your son that he is a wonderful, talented, amazing person, and that you love him until you are blue in the face and he isn't going to hear any of it. Well, he will hear it, but he will just discount it as just being a lie that you have to say because your his mother, and that he really sucks.
So, your son is in a position where he doesn't want to bother trying any more because he thinks that it is just going to result in failure like all his previous attempts. And he doesn't believe you when you say that this time will be different because he has developed such a low opinion of himself that he believes he will never be able to accomplish anything. He is stuck in depression and he doesn't think he will ever get out, and when hes in that position, its not unreasonable to think 'death can't be much worse'.
Now the problem here is that you really can't encourage your son out of this mess. His self esteem is so low that any encouragement just serves to remind him of how bad he is failing. Telling him, 'You can do it if you try', just makes him think, 'No, I've already tried and failed multiple times. This time will be no different'. Really the encouragement just serves to rub it in how many times he has failed previously. Logic is also a somewhat ineffective tool. You could make a very reasonable case that this time will be different because you now know what problems to avoid and you have new coping methods to use. But much like encouragement, he will likely not be able to hear the message because his mind is telling him, 'it will never work, this time will be no different, your just going to fail again'.
I know this is what happens because I've lived through it. My life around the age of 10-12 was not a happy time for me. I was harassed continually at school by both my peers and my teachers. And my home environment wasn't exactly supportive. And when everything is going wrong, and no amount of effort or trying will change anything then you begin to lose hope and thats when depression begins to set in. It isn't the adversity thats the problem. its the lack of hope. Despair sets in and when that happens, you really have a hard time pulling out. The problem is that you are trying to fight an emotion (despair) with reason (i.e. its really not that bad, this time will be different, etc.). And when emotion is that strong, it is going to win that battle.
So, that to say, if your son is going to deal with this, he is going to have to make the decision to deal with it, but it has to be an 'emotional' decision. Simply saying, 'I can deal with this', isn't really going to help. It has to be something that your child 'feels'. What wound up pulling me out of my depression was anger. I know it sounds bad, but the truth is that if I didn't get angry, I never would have been able to deal with my depression. I just got so fed up with being treated like crap all the time that I decided that I had enough of it. I decided that I wasn't going to let other people ruin my life by telling me that I wasn't good enough. If the teachers, my peers, and my parents called me a failure then that was their fault for being stupid and having unreasonable expectations. I decided that I wasn't going to take their crap any more and that I was going to do what I felt was right and screw them if it wasn't good enough for them. It was more of a 'feeling' then a reasoning. Once I decided that I wasn't going to take any more crap, I began to change my view point and I was no longer stuck. I began to feel empowered by my new found confidence and that is what led me to start dealing with my problems.
Now the good news is that your son is in a far better position than I was. In that he has a supportive household (i.e. you) that is willing to help him. I never told my mother that I wanted to kill myself, and it isn't because I wasn't thinking it, but because I thought my mother would just use it as an excuse to treat me worse. The fact that your son is telling you he wants to kill himself shows that he trusts you enough to tell you how he is feeling. I know it may not seem like it, but the fact that your son is telling you this is a sign that he is at least looking for help, however awkwardly. And furthermore your son doesn't have to try and deal with his problems on his own like I did. He has you for help, and your willing to seek help elsewhere, like this forum. So all that to say, if your son can find the strength to pull out of this rut, and face his problems then he is going to get more help then I had. But your son still needs to make the first move.
So, my suggestion is simple. Sit down with your son, and tell him straight up that while you are willing to help, and while you want to work with him to deal with his problems, you cannot do this for him. He himself has to decide that his life is worth living, and whats more, living well. He has to decide to be stronger than that nagging voice which says, 'no, you'll never succeed'. He has to chose to fight this fight, and win; not because you said so, not because its what is expected of him, but because he has chosen to take matters into his own hands and he is determined to make his life better. He has to do this for himself, and he has to be motivated by himself. This is one thing where you cant provide the motivation for him. I don't necessarily like to use the term 'intervention', but that is kind of what you need to do here. You need to sit him down and tell him strait up that this fight is his to win or lose. And that he must chose to win.
Beyond that, I would try to help out where you can, and give him support where you can. And I would recommend finding somebody skilled in Cognitive Behavioral therapy (it is really what helped me) to help your son out. But you need to stop focusing on what you can do, and start focusing on getting your child to focus on what he can do. Because the truth is that you aren't doing anything wrong. You are indeed trying your best, and it IS cutting it. Its just that your son isn't picking up his end and until you can convince him to do so for his own reasons, you aren't going to make any progress.
Hopefully that helps you out. And again, I recommend reading Callista's blog. And if your son is interested, tell him to read her blog as well. There is some good information there.
04 Jul 2011, 9:03 pm
