My son is driving us insane

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My son shows all the classic signs of aspergers. He has misophonia inability to maintain eye contact has frequent meltdowns suffers from anxiety and depression and is highly highly intelligent. Since birth he has had a knack for leaving a trainwreck in his wake wherever he goes. There have been countless incidents where he has for instance shamed me in front of colleagues caused arguments and gotten himself into impossible trouble with authority.
He's 21 now and he has never had a relationship of even the one nighter variety a job or even a good lasting platonic friendship. He's hurting and anyone can see that. He became addicted to painkillers a few years back and ended up botching up his alevels then he did the same with the first year of uni. Now that he's back we've just lost all patience for him. I believe that he uses tears and his emotions to manipulate us. Sometimes we argue and I cannot engage with some of the highly charged issues. I end up driving him towards meltdown by reflecting questions, changing the subject,ignoring him,bringing up issues from the past etc. Wrong I know but it helps me to cope.
If you asked me exactly what it is about him that I just cant deal with id say its having to haul around a deadsack while we struggle with work life and our own issues (we had very abusive childhoods). I admit that ive kicked him when he's down many a time. For instance once he was in meltdown and was asking me "why are you doing this to me" I just could not find any empathy for him though. Im not perfect but bottom line he has never had to live on the streets or go hungry. I have done things to him that are probably wrong - i've probably fed into his dysmorphia by picking on his appearance in anger and ive even been quite physically agressive at times but he really was and is a difficult person to have around.
The main issue we have now is his sound sensitivity which is triggered by his brother's singing. His brother refuses to stop singing and my other son appears to suffer quite acutely. His brother sings almost constantly and as a result they hate each other fiercely. I will not allow my older son to dictate the rules - its not his house, im really only holding it together for the youngest one, but still what should we do?
We're literally ashamed to show our face in public - I suppose its karmic. We do cause him a helluva lot of pain, but all three of us ultimately just want him out. Were burnt to the bone if you will. Its tough when I havent seen my son's face in months because he's so dysmorphic that he covers his face entirely in the house. Its tough when every day presents new financial woe and we have a useless eater ensconced in our house. I can see that on one hand i've become as abusvie as my parents just in a different way. On the other hand im not sure how else to deal with him.
We're a lower middle class family and my son had got into contact with a woman in whom he had confided and who supported him. The way I see it such a woman would never be interested in my son. The class difference and even the racial difference (she's swedish while we're latino) mean that there's no way she feels anything but contempt for him. I told him so in less tactful terms. The same day I accused him of being a psycopath of harming me behind my back and of being a zoophile. What frightens me is that I was completely straight faced at the time. I cant justify it by attributing it to passion. I beleive part of me really wants to hurt him to get revenge.

I think you'd get more replies to this in the parent section.

Okay first of all for the singing / noise problem tell him to get some earplugs or buy him some and I know you don't think it's right for things to go entirely his way but try to see it from his point of view. For me personally when something sets off my sensory issues it can be anything from mild discomfort/irritation to outright torture / pain. If your son's issues with sound are quite bad then your other son's singing will probably be like someone is sticking red hot pokers into his ears whilst clawing at his skin and hitting his head. Again from my own experiences with sensory issues when noise sets me off I just want to get away from it all or want the noise to stop and the more I'm exposed to it the more ill/disorietated/agitated I get. I think it's quite unfair to let your youngest son sing almost constantly when it's known to set off your oldest sons sensory issues, can he not keep it to set times? Say an hour or two in the morning and an hour or two in the evening, give him specific times to sing and then tell your oldest to have his earplugs in at those times..problem solved.

When you say your son has shamed you in front of others, what exactly has he done? And have you told him he's shamed you? My daughter often has little incidents in public or will say something she really shouldn't or point at someone and say something but I may feel a little embarassed but I would never ever tell her that or tell her she'd shamed me or anything, I just explain that it's not polite or acceptable to behave that way. I was the same as a child I would say things about people, be very blunt, point out the obvious which I'm sure was embarassing for my parents. Thankfully they took the same approach as I do with my own daughter and told me that it was not polite because to me I wasn't doing anything wrong I was just stating the facts regardless of whether it upset someone (like pointing at someone on the bus who had strong B.O and shouting that they smell). So had my parents just told me off it probably would have confused me in a sort of "why are they telling me off, that man does smell, that's the truth so why is it bad?!". When I tell my daughter she has behaved in an unacceptable way or been naughty I always tell her why and explain fully the reason rather then a vague 'your being naughty, stop it' she has to be told exactly what it is that she's doing wrong or she may not take it on board and will misunderstand.

Also please don't take this badly but why are you driving him towards meltdowns? Why are you so angry with him? I think you may have alot of issues that need resolving to get rid of all the resentment and anger you seem to harbour for him, particularly because you say you've been quite physically aggressive with him and picked on his appearance, that will be detrimental to his mental health and his own self worth.

I know it's probably hard and frustrating when he does something that seems irrational or bizarre and your intital thought may be why can he not just do X Y Z or why does he have to react that way why can't he just be normal?!

Well it's easier said then done, I'm 28 years old, I'm married I have a daughter and I still have sensory issues and meltdowns I still say things I shouldn't, I'm still socially awkward/have no friends, it's just part of who I am but I'm lucky in that I have parents and a partner who accept me for me they have never made me feel badly for being different and I think your son could really do with someone like that in his life and the best people to fill that supportive role are his parents.

Has he been to the doctor's about his problems? Maybe getting a diagnosis and some support may help him a great deal. Maybe he could sign up here and talk to other people who understand what it's like, it may help him to know he's not alone in the way he thinks/ feels/ reacts and he could get alot of advice on how to deal with certain issues etc.

Hmmm, and so now I see it from the parents' point of view.

So, wait, you accused him of being a psychopath? If your son has Aspergers, he is not a psychopath. Sorry but I don't have a lot of sympathy here. If the diagnosis is wrong, well, maybe you are right, but I think you need to let go a little and let him do his thing.

How do you know his girlfriend is bad? Maybe she genuinely likes him?

I guess I applaud your honesty when you say you want to hurt him to get revenge but you have to realize I don't have a lot of respect for this mentality. Perhaps it is best for him that you just leave him alone. This may be in his best interest if you have hate towards him. I would disown my parents if I knew they thought about me the way you do about your own son. Sorry but it is the truth.

There's a lot of specific stuff you said that I wanted to reply to, but I realized that most of what I had to say would likely get me banned. Short version is that whatever you have to endure from him is far less than you deserve, based on the way you treat him.

You want him out. That's not gonna happen unless he acquires certain life skills. He will never acquire them if you keep going out of your way to sabotage him.

If he does manage to get out of your house, I fear for your younger son. From what I've seen of people like you, I'm sure you'll turn on him as soon as the more obvious scapegoat for your various problems is gone.

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