Social situations between kids

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Hi all - I am new here. I have a best friend whose child has Asperger's. I would like some help handling behavioral stuff going on when all of our kids get together. First I will start by saying he's 10. My kids are 4 and 6. My kids have not been around him much because whenever we have gatherings, he is kept separate from the group with just a couple of the kids that he jives well with. One of my girls has a very strong personality - as in, nobody is telling her what to do, but she has a HUGE heart and is very eager to be liked and accepted by everyone. Whenever the two of them are put together, they tend to be like oil and water. She tends to heighten his anxieties and things never end well. I try to articulate to her in a way that she can understand that she needs to handle him differently and be more patient. The trouble is, he tends to be on the verge of violence and calls her names, telling her he hates her. All because she says, "you can't tell me what to do" or because she wants to play with the other boys he's with. The other kids in the group have learned to be passive when he's in the mix. How do I handle this situation in a positive way? I'm being made to feel like my kids have to be left out of parties, etc., but I don't think that's fair. Any more than I would let my friend's boy be left out. I would like the kids to get along well. I would also like to know how to handle a situation if it arises. I want peace amongst the kids and I want to be a good friend and not hurt any feelings. I really appreciate any help or resources you can offer. Are there any resources for explaining to a young child about Asperger's so that they can be more accepting and understand? Thank you.

(Thread moved from Autism discussion to Parents discussion)

Welcome to WP! You are in a tough situation, I am assuming your daughter is the 6 yo? It is very hard to explain to a child that age the need to "cut him some slack" or "go with the flow". My older NT son had a hard time at 6 yo with his younger ASD brother so its even harder when it is a child you only socialize with occasionally. One thing in your post jumped out at me as something we have dealt with. You mentioned that the boy with AS gets upset when your daughter tries to play with the kids he is already playing with. My ASD son has a REALLY hard time sharing friends so that may be part of the dynamic your DD is experiencing. The AS boy may perceive her as someone who is going to take away his existing friends. Consider that his social and emotional development is significantly behind his chronological age. So while you might expect that he would be past such worries, he may not be. Do you think your DD would understand that aspect if you explained it to her? I know it seems terribly unfair to ask her to just go along with what your friend's son wants to do but I have had to tell oldest that on a regular basis. I try to even things out and get youngest to negotiate when it seems possible but those are both my kids and it probably wouldn't go over to well for you to tell your friend's kid that he needs to negotiate.

Is it possible for your DD and your friend's son to spend some time together when there aren't other kids involved? If it were possible for him to get to know her and trust her a bit, their interactions when in a larger crowd might become easier. Have you talked to your friend about your concerns? She may be feeling the same way and she may have some ideas.

This book might be OK for your DD's age level
http://www.amazon.com/Can-Tell-About-Asperger-Syndrome/dp/1843102064

Would it work if you told your daughter that your friend's son needs extra help to learn how to be a good friend and ask if she would like to help him learn?

I have found this strategy helpful when my daughter was younger and was more difficult to play with. If I told her potential playmates that she needed help learning how to be a friend because she didn't know how, it changed their approach toward her. For girls, it tended to bring out a more mothering attitude and for boys it tended to bring out a more protective attitude, but either way, it helped the kids understand that they needed to approach her differently. They were more patient with her and more willing to work through her mistakes.

This is a wonderful opportunity for you to be able to work with your daughter on true compassion and accepting people who are different. It will be a lesson that will be valuable to her for the rest of her life, so stick with it. You are doing good for both your daughter, and for your friend's son. My experience has been that most parents do not actively try to help their kids to learn how to best interact with kids like ours. So when one comes along, it is a true blessing. You are a good friend.

One trick I used to help the kids when there was conflict was to control the situation. Instead of letting the kids negotiate and choose, I would have an organized activity that they knew beforehand. This gives them time to chat without the control tangling. And when they chat, they have a chance to build some bridges.

I would assume your friend is working with her son on learning to ""bend" and all that, but remember that these sorts of gatherings and forced (to him) relationships may never be his cup of tea. My son always found it stressful, and the more stressed he is, the less he is capable of bending. For us, it was a relief when he got to the age he could simply choose not to come; He is so much happier. He really has no interest in many of the extended relationships we hoped for him. He is old enough now to do well when he has to, but outside of it all being good practice, there is nothing in it for him; that is how he sees it. If you aren't interested in what he is interested in, he simply does not see the point, and long run he will be allowed that choice.

Your friend's son may also mature by leaps and bounds in the next few years, so remember that everything is temporary. Some issues they just grow out of.

Meanwhile, keep talking to your daughter and share some books (we have a sticky thread with book recs). You never know waht will happen.