eye contact

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Why is eye contact such a big deal?

I know, right?!

When the person being spoken to does not look at the speaker, it is often taken as a signal that the person being spoken to is not listening (which may or may not be true). When the speaker does not look at the listener, it is often interpreted as the speaker being untruthful because if he/she were telling the truth she/he would be able to look the listener in the eye (also not true in many cases). These are the common social expectations, in the US anyway. I think there are different expectations about eye contact in other cultures.

Of course, I can totally be looking someone in the eye while they are talking and not actually listening to a word they are saying. I try not to do this but it happens sometimes when I am stressed out about something else. I do find myself asking my AS son to look my way so that I know he is paying attention to what I say. I typically only do this when he is obviously engrossed in a task and I need him to pay attention. Sometimes when he is doing something with his hands and is focused on it he IS listening to what else is going on around him but sometimes he has tuned everything else out. I cannot tell by looking at him which state he is in so I do sometimes ask that he to look at me. I don't ask him to look me in the eye, just to turn his body towards me. Really all I want is for him to take a break from what he is doing with his hands so I know he is listening but I guess its just easier to say "Please look my way" or "please face me".

A great trick is to look just below their lower lashes. They can't tell.

I usually aim for the forehead or ear, when I remember that I should do it. It's usually at this point that I get really self conscious about it, and end up focusing more on that than anything else, including listening. I have just never understood what exactly I am supposed to be doing when looking them in the eye. If I do look directly at someone's eyes, it is to see what color they are, which means I am not listening to them. I am actually quite fascinated by eye colors. There are so many subtle variations and different zones of color, but I know this isn't what people mean by look me in the eye.

And then everything you see about autism and therapies, it seems like the therapists are always making a huge deal about it, and constantly telling the kids to look them in the eye. Then I get to wondering to what extent does my own lack of understanding of things like eye contact influence my kids to doing the same thing.

As its been said its all about letting people know you are listening. Im NT but Im really not good at eye contact, probably due to shyness. It makes me feel awkward. I find that other things to let the person know you are listening can help, like nodding at the right places, agreeing and generally making acknowledging noises or actions. I will look people in the eye for so long but have to look away, I tend to fidget and keep looking away then back again, but the thought of holding eye contact takes over from the conversation. When I have my kids with me I can use them as an excuse to look away as I need to check what they are doing!

Also when it comes to business props are good, like a note pad, notes, laptop, cv or something to look at, makes you look like you are doing more than just listening!

Last edited by ConfusedNewb on 18 Mar 2013, 4:55 pm, edited 2 times in total.

I see my 4yo asd son trying to get his brother's attention (he is 6 and NT) and unless they make eye contact, the older one doesn't know his brother is talking to him. Even my NT 2yo associates making eye contact with having the person's attention. His eye contact decrease with how much of a stranger you are. My 4 yo will sit on my lap and hold my face so that I look him in the eye. I encourage my 4 yo to look people in the eye and call their name if he wants them to know he is talking to them. I know it might be uncomfortable, but unless he plans to live in my basement for the rest of my life, he will have to get used to doing somethings that are uncomfortable. There are a lot of things that I do on a regular basis that I am uncomfortable with, but we do what we have to do to survive.

When I played in bands in small venues it was near impossible for me to look at people in the audience. I sometimes just focused on the drinks on their tables, posters on the walls, and sometimes those long chains people attached to their belts.

Eh... way too much of a big deal

It is a social convention. As others have mentioned it, "demonstrates" attentiveness and truthfulness as well as respect and comprehension. It is because most people are NTs and have no issues with eye contact other than in circumstances like wandering attention, when they lie, and when confused or are confronted with something they do not know where they become embarrassed. Also some NTs will refuse eye contact as a show of disrespect. (As some one mentioned, culturally dependent)

I rarely require eye contact from my son, and it is usually just to temporarily to redirect him from brain dumping when I need to tell him something too important to wait. I do not require it the whole time I talk to him, just to signal I need to tell him something. School is another matter and many of the people there do not get it, so I have to tell them not to require it of him when being punished etc. so he does get overloaded and act out more.

I recommend faking it with strangers and people you are unable to educate.

I am so thankful that the people at our school seem to get this about autistic kids. No one to my knowledge tries to force the "look me in the eye" thing.

I have seen that there is a wide gaping hole between what is done in school and what is done in the workplace. I feel like I need to prepare my son from now, how to live independent of me and possible function in the work place. That means, he gets to have his "down" time, but he also needs to practice social norms. When we have holiday lunches or dinner at work, I have to dig back into my earlier days of what the proper table manners are. I am very happy that I know what to do, even though I rarely ever use 6 utensils to eat. But thank goodness I learned enough to not look like a cavewoman.

Well, my son needs to know what is appropriate or expected. He can choose when to do it and when not to do it. But when the time comes to go on a job interview, he would have learned to sit in one place, look at the person's face (occasionally the eyes) and answer the questions he is asked.

Body language communicates many different things. Generally, eye contact gives the impression that you are listening to what the speaker is saying. People tend to think you are distracted and not listening if you don't ever look at them. I think back to my required speech class in college. At the time, I hated that class because I hate public speaking; however, I did learn many useful things. Each person has different personas they turn on and off depending on location and audience. Sometime eye contact will be necessary. It is especially important when meeting someone for the first time.

Right here. It is stupid, it is silly, it takes away from things that are really important...

...but it is their convention and as they outnumber us they win. Period.

Back when I was doing things my way, I used to tell my son that he did not have to look at my face, but he did have to look in my general direction. It seemed to work.

Then I sent him to school. The ignorant little wench that teaches kindergarten does not feel he is paying attention because he does not look at her face and plays with his fingers (what I allowed to replace hand flapping). Well he is so focused on looking how he is supposed to look that he does not process what is being said. But if he does not look how he is supposed to look, he doesn't have a chance.

Now I hold him by the chin, or with both hands on his cheeks, and force him to stare into my eyes and keep his hands still. He hates it, I hate it, but the teacher thinks he is making progress (albeit too slowly) and that is all that matters.

I hate it but I should have been doing this from the beginning. I should have punished him more and tolerated him less. I made the world I wanted us to have, but I can't keep him there forever. However cruel it seems, you have to start normalizing from the time you suspect a problem. That's the way it is.

Luckily my son's main teacher gets it, so it could be worse. She is trying to educate them, which is good. Her opinion counts for much more than mine, and it is really hard for people to get over their preconceived notions of how things should be.

I wish more teachers would get it and be educated enough to know what battles to pick. As long as the kid is listening, I would think eye contact would be low on the list. When they get older, I do think it is wise to teach teens/young adults why it is socially necessary to at least appear to be giving eye contact. It can make or break you in a job interview.