New and concerned about my three year old (long)

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Hi all.

I'm here because recently, I've been realizing that my three year old daughter may be somewhere on the spectrum. She's so intelligent and funny but some of her behaviors just make me wonder. She's always loved other kids, but has issues with personal space/boundaries and if say, she pushes someone down to get what she wants, she doesn't seem to realize that it hurts them. We always assumed her social issues stemmed from her needing more socialization/practice at social experiences as she has always been home with me. We do play groups and things but we have few little kid friends that we see often.

We started her in preschool a month and a half ago because she loves learning and again, it would be an easy social outlet. She'd been potty trained and rarely had accidents and if it happened, it was for a decent reason and was always at home. At school she's had issues to where she's had accidents about half the times she's been at school.

I also have an adopted family member who is on the spectrum (high functioning autism) and DD reminds me so much of how he was as a young child. I also have a friend who's 4 year old was just recently diagnosed and they have very similar behaviors too.

DD also is very repetitive with her language. Whether it's something she just said in response to me, mimicking what I said, a TV show or book she will say things over and over. I never really thought much about it or that she will sometimes "talk" with gibberish until I learned that It could be a sign of ASD. She also seems to not be able to articulate things that I would think she could based on her language and understanding (like if I ask why she had an accident she'll say "because I had an accident").

She is very rigid in her routines and doesn't transition well especially with leaving places like a playground or park no matter how long we've been there or how often I take her. I can give her warnings for when we need to leave or give into one last time on the slide and I still usually have to physically carry her kicking and screaming as if I'd never given her a warning and just grabbed her to go.

She's also had poor eye contact forever. We always figured she was just distracted by everything going on around her and didn't worry about it.

I honestly feel like a veil was lifted once i started putting the pieces together. I am trying not to get too invested in what she may or may not have until we've seen a professional, but it just seems to explain her so well. As our first born, I never really thought of these things as problematic until she started school.

I'm calling her pedi today to make an appointment and I'm going to call her preschool too to see if her teacher has noticed anything. I know ASD evaluations in my state have a fairly long wait list, but that the local school district can evaluate her sooner so hopefully we'll be ahble to have her seen.

Is there anything else I should/can do at this point? It's all overwhelming. Thanks for letting me share.

Yes, there is something else you should/can do at this point. Be aware of how you react to her possibly being on the spectrum. Your perception of what a diagnosis would mean will greatly impact your daughter's perception of herself.

To gain and maintain a healthy perception of being on the spectrum, your best source is content adults on the spectrum - the older the better. Generally speaking, the younger an AS individual is, the more likely this person may be affected by negative and/or distorted concepts in regard to the AS.

Most "experts" in the field of psychology dealing with Asperger's/autism spectrum acquire what they know by observation of children. The "professionals" are mainly NTs. They can only make assumptions from what they perceive. Adults on the spectrum don't need to because they're the only ones with the first hand experience.

Would you rather trust your daughter's future to people who've gained their knowledge from books or from life experience?

P.S. - I have a lot of both. I have the book knowledge (psychology was my major in college, but the continued self-education for decades afterwards holds more value). I have the first hand life experience, along with my father, my son, my grandson, and my cousin being also being Aspies. I taught the psychologist who began the support group for Aspie adults I went (and someones still go) to. She had nothing to teach me, so what does that say?

Hi, and welcome. School is often time where these issues tend to pop up especially if your child is extremely high-functioning. The differences just become more evident and school is a really overwhelming place for a lot of kids on the spectrum. Your child does sound very spectrum-y to me. I am not a professional, but based on my own personal knowledge of my child, my self, and others I have observed.

The first thing is not to panic. It is easy to grieve and worry, but diagnosis or not, your kid will be the splendid child she is, regardless. My son was on the way towards potty training and we had a big change that killed it, at 2, and he ended up completely training by K. (He still won't do #2 anywhere but home, but otherwise, complete) Pre-k was partially spent adjusting to using a non-home potty for #1. Stress can undo potty training. Pre-k may be noisy and over-stimulating in addition to being different. So it can be more stressful than you might think.

If you are in the U.S, your local school district can do a diagnosis, and if eligible, she may be eligible for assistance.

In most cases, the local school district can evaluate her and give her services (such as placement in a special-ed preschool) and a qualifying label of "autism-like behavior", but they CANNOT give an actual ASD diagnosis -- that requires a medical professional or psychologist.

I would suggest that you find someone who is certified to perform the ADOS (autism diagnostic observation schedule). Usually this will be someone with "developmental" in the title (developmental psychologist, developmental pediatrician, developmental neurologist), or sometimes you can find team that includes a psychologist, occupational therapist, and speech therapist. The children's hospital in your nearest big city, or a local autism parent support group is a good place to ask for recommendations on who to see.

It's hard to find books that cover high-functioning autism in preschoolers. Here are some I recommend:
Asperger Syndrome and Young Children: Building Skills for the Real World by Teresa Bolick
The Out-of-Sync Child: Recognizing and Coping with Sensory Processing Disorder by Carol Stock Kranowitz
Raising Your Spirited Child Workbook by Mary Sheedy Kurcinko (get the "Workbook" version)

The services you might want to look for privately are occupational therapy with someone trained in sensory integration and a social communication or social skills class from speech therapist. Your insurance is more likely to cover these if you have the ASD diagnosis in hand.

Thanks everyone for your input. I'm defiantly trying to keep a good grasp on how all this makes me feel. I know DH is a bit upset by it, but he's level headed and I think his "fears" only stem from the unknown. If anything, I almost think I would be more upset if she wasn't diagnosed with something as her behavior is so off from other kids. I don't look at it as a flaw and I only look to "labels" as a guide line for how to cope with whatever is going on.

I am definitely going to look into an evaluation in our district before she can see one of the few doctors in state who can give a diagnosis. That has about a 6 + month wait list but I know the school system would be far more prompt. The diagnostic team is at the best and largest hospital in the state so I trust their opinion.

Thanks again for the support. Right now I'm not too emotional other than wanting to give her the best things I can so we don't struggle with her behavior so much.

Our school district did do an ADOS and had an in-house psychologist as part of the process. Our private psych referral was the one that was useless. He just wrote down what the district said, after the we told him the result. I should have noted that not all school districts do an adequate job. YMMV (As bad as our school district is about certain things, I forget that they handled this part pretty well, as things, go.