School for my kindergarten aspie - The good and the bad

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The good is, the school psychologist is great, and the team is taking my son's evaluation seriously.

The bad, I'm not so sure about the teacher. She seems nice enough, but I'm beginning to wonder.

I volunteered on a field trip and she spoke rather harshly to the students, and seems short tempered. I've seen her being harsh to the students, and almost bullying to one of the boys (not my son, but definitely a kid with pretty serious behavioral problems) I'm reserving judgment because that particular boy is a definite problem child. Still, after the field trip, I stayed to help out and helped get the kids' pumpkins in their backpacks. The teacher snapped at two of the boys, one, she threatened to throw away his pumpkin, and then told me not to help him, he could do it himself.
These are kindergartners. What's wrong with helping them?

My son is still having problems with bringing home homework and notices. I'm worried the teacher does this to my son as well. Today, I volunteered and found several items from Thursday that were supposed to come home. I'm starting to think I need to leave extra early to pick my son up and make sure he gets all his homework and paperwork or else I'll never get the important stuff.

Last week, though, my son started telling me that he was having problems with the children on the playground being mean to him, throwing balls at him, throwing woodchips, and hitting. Then, he told me that that he had a bad day and they were really mean to him. WE talked to him about it and told him to tell the teachers and to tell them they were hurting his feelings.

It then escalated the next day to the boys actually attacking my son and had to go the nurse's office because he was really upset and couldn't stop trying. No one called me about this. I wasn't even told about this issue until my son told me about it. I finally talked to his teacher and was told that my son was the one being aggressive on the playground and the other boys got fed up with it and beat him up.

I'm not so sure this is the case. I think my son just doesn't get mad when the other boys are mean to him, and he doesn't go tell on them. I've seen one boy who likes to pick on my son and complains about him when I volunteer in the class. From what my son has told me, this same boy has a brother in first grade that contributes to the bullying on the playground. The day I went to watch, I saw two other boys corner my son and throw balls at him. My son just laughed. He was just happy they were playing with him. I'm inclined to think that they do this to him, and get mad when he does it back.

This is frustrating, though. I feel like I need to come and watch my son every day a recess. I'm a stay at home mom and have the time to do it, but it's exhausting. I can't believe there are only two teachers on the playground with six classes worth of first graders and kindergartners.

I am a SAHM, too, and I will tell you even with a good teacher, I have always learned more through observation than any other means. The NT kids can tell when teachers are not paying attention and time things so it looks like the Aspie started it.

I am not getting good vibes about this teacher from from what have posted. Typically schools give preferential placement for kids like ours and try to pick the more patient but structured teachers when they can. This teacher does not sound like a good fit.

I wish I could be more help, other than to say I would increase my observations if I were you, even if it is a PITA. They may not be telling you things now, but if things get too out of control you will have to go up there a lot anyway, and by then it may not be easily fixed.

I agree its exhausting, but mama bear has to get some first hand observations. So, you volunteer in the classroom (as you have been doing),. on the playground, and on field trips. You get friendly with the other children and their parents, as well - they eventually become additional eyes and ears. You drive carpools and arrange play dates. Be around at the school and with the teachers and everyone on your son's team. They love present parents, who dig in and help out, and don't just call in when there is a complaint. At least, that is true around here.

All of that is a fantastic defense in multiple ways. Not only will you observe, but you will also build essential connections that make them want to do right by your family. It all worked so well for me, and actually still is working even though we are well past the elementary school years (we still have all those families and teachers on my son's team, even though the kids aren't friends at all; but they watch out for my son, and information gets to their parents and then to me). You have the opportunity, so go for i

If you don't find being present to be helpful, then it is worth wondering if it is the right school community for your family. I felt a night and day difference between my son's preschool and elementary school. I wish I had not stuck with the preschool.

Thanks so much for the thoughts. It very nice to just post here and get some thoughts from other parents.

I want so badly to give the teacher the benefit of the doubt, but I am getting a little concerned that she may not be a good fit either.

I'll be in the classroom two days a week to start and be observing. It's just so hard to feel comfortable because his teacher is so standoffish and the volunteer programs took a while to get started. I feel comfortable coming into the school now, but I wasn't at first.

I'm beginning to think that a lot of that was due to his teacher and her 'I have it under control' attitude. I'm also beginning to think she likes to try and have this front because she doesn't have it under control.

With my own issues with reading people and social anxieties it is so hard to have to go to the school all the time and worry when I'm being too... me.

I think I chased off a volunteer today without realizing it. (she left half way through the first hour of class and never came back. I'm comfortable with kids and jumping in and helping, the Substitute teacher didn't seem to mind, and it's not my fault they double scheduled for the same classroom. Still, I'm sitting here worrying I chased someone off.

I'll do what it takes to help my son, but this is just frustrating. I'm wondering at what point I request he gets switched to another class. I already know I don't like one of the other teachers (she's even more forceful and gruff) So that leaves one kindergarten teacher to possibly request a transfer too, and she's worked with my son already, so it might be a possibility.

I just don't know how long to wait it out.

I have a son in kindergarten also. We have him in a private school this year, and although he is struggling socially I don't believe there is anything going on like what you are describing. I think the teacher makes a big difference. Last year was a different story for us. It was horrible. Similar situation as you describe. He was isolated and picked on. One day, while driving to school, my son told me that two boys from the other class had punched and kicked him on playground. I never received any notice about this. When confronted, the teacher got defensive and said there were no marks left on my son that he wasn't hurt. Yet, I got notice anytime my son did anything wrong. In retrospect, I wish I had pulled my son from that school sooner. I have since spoke with another parent from that class who has a neurotypical child that was bullied there last year. She had the same experience with the teacher as well. I would be extra involved like you are doing and ask your son questions. If he is anything like my son, that's like pulling teeth...but I have learned ways to casually incorporate important questions while we are playing. Honestly, I am mad at myself when I think I kept him in that class last year. The last month I barely sent him anymore, and I could do that because it was preschool. Unfortunately, now that they are in real school, we have to find a solution. I am cautiously optimistic about the school my son is in now...but cautiously is key. I am not letting my guard down, and would never allow my son to experience the treatment he got last year. Go with your gut...if you don't feel comfortable with the teacher or don't think it is a good match I would move your son to a different class if possible.

Thanks for the reply, and that's exactly it. It's like pulling teeth sometimes to get him to talk.

I think I do have to pull him from the school. I'm just so frustrated because I love the progress we've made with the school psychologist.

After yesterday, though, dealing with that other volunteer walking out while I was helping in the class the first day I was there, and then when I emailed the vice principal about it, all I get is stilted responses. I'm made to feel that my concern and interest in my son, and even my interest in helping in the school is more of a nuisance than appreciated.

I guess it's time to start looking into what kind of paper work I have to fill out. The worst part is that we are in walking distance from his school right now. I don't want to have to drive him out of the district. I love that we are in a school where we can meet the other kids from the neighborhood.

Why did you feel the other volunteer left? You sound a lot like me. I constantly worry about everything, how I am perceived, if I said something that could be misunderstood,etc. Don't let that keep you away though. And if you aren't comfortable being visible there, then maybe it isn't the right place.

I am not sure what state you live in or what is available, but I was able to get my son a scholarship since he had an IEP in place. He is given a certain amount of money each year that goes toward private school, or we could have been able to pick another public school outside of our zoned area. We chose private school. I am so thankful we did. Again, it is early on...but I feel in my gut that public school would have been a disaster for my son. Just the thought of the noisy cafeteria, having to drop him off at the front of school vs walking him right to his classroom/seeing his teacher everyday, just the sheer volume of the whole school (not to mention class size) would have produced too much anxiety. My son's school has maybe 30 kids in the whole school (he has 12 in his class with 1 teacher and 1 aide). It's just a much warmer, secure feeling I have bringing him there.

I hope you can find the right class or school for your son.

Darn it, I replied, but I guess it didn't post.

About the other volunteer. I think she left because I was too... um. Me. I jumped right in, went from table to table, helping all the students. She sat in the corner and acted insulted. I don't know if she's a regular and I stepped on her toes or what. No one introduced me to her, or what the situation was, so I'm sure I probably DID step on her toes. But honestly, if I did, I'm mostly irritated because I'm not going to feel guilty for trying to help in my son's classroom.

I want to help at this school and I just feel like I'm out of place, and I'm tired of it.

Anyway, I really wish I could get my son into a private school like that. That would be awesome. Right now, I'm jumping through the hoops of the whole evaluation, waiting for the IEP meeting.

I'm getting increasingly irritated, though, because more problems are coming up and my son isn't getting what he needs.

Anyway, thank you for the response. I'm glad to hear you found a situation that works for your son.

My son is okay in loud, noisy cafeterias and adjusts well enough with some direction. The issue is that the teacher doesn't give him the direction he needs, and that bothers me. It also bothers me that I'm made to feel like I'm imposing by being there.

Sigh. Anyway, just venting.

The other volunteer is not your problem. She probably felt she wasn't needed, and then decided going back to work, or out shopping, was a better use of her time. Neither of those would be personal to you, just reflective of the situation. It sounds to me like you did exactly what you are supposed to do when volunteering. That is a good thing.

When you volunteer in a classroom, you are reportable to the teacher, and no one else. It would have been the teacher's job to make sure her volunteers had productive jobs to do. Not yours.

As for the rest - try stopping by the office one day when you volunteering. Or chatting with the principal or vice principal in the playground. School administrators tend to be very social people. In person contact goes further than email, assuming you have the opportunities to initiate it casually. When my son was in elementary, the principal was always wandering the school, and we did so much of the "work" regarding my son casually in the hallways, simply because we happened to run into each other. USE the fact that you are PRESENT. I know it is uncomfortable, but you do it for your child. Middle school and high school are when you'll work by email. Elementary? IN PERSON.

(hopefully you learned enough non-verbal clues to be able to tell when a moment is a really bad time. If not, just ask, "do you mind if we talk quickly about X?)

I should add, that switching classrooms is not always an option. A lot goes into classroom assignments, and if the school is full, moving your child would require that another child also be moved - they aren't likely to be willing to do that unless they have other reasons to want to.

And ... your instincts are important. If this school doesn't feel right, there could be good reason.

Thanks for the reply. What you're saying is pretty much what I'd figured out on my own, but seeing it re-stated does help.

I have to get over my own issues and stop worrying about stuff like that. I know. I wasn't this bad in the past, I have to remember that I'm not WORKING for these people. I'm just helping and they should be happy to have me.
It's silly, and I realize it now. Hard to re-wire my thinking after years of dealing with some pretty horrible and petty people.

My mom, a teacher, made me feel better about the situation after telling me how when her co-workers go to their kid's schools, they have the attitude that the staff and teachers better snap to it when they see them coming. They expect that they and their children be treated with respect.

It's sad, but I forget to expect that people to treat me with respect, and that I need to have confidence and demand that respect for myself and my son.



Anyway, I'm feeling much better about the situation because I just took control of it.

My son told me the other day that the likes it when a certain kid is absent because that kids is mean to him everyday.

So, I just stayed in my son's class almost all day yesterday and observed and helped when I could. I know it bothered his teacher at times, but she's just going to have to get used to me being there.

I needed to see what was going on with him and what his interaction with other kids is like to be able to talk to him and his father about the situation. What I saw didn't surprise me, which ended up being that my son is actually provoking and misunderstanding what he is seeing as 'mean.'

The kid that he has a problem with also thinks my son's being mean to him, when he's not. There was an incident where my son said the other kid's work was silly. My son means that in a good way. HE's not spiteful or mean, but this kid thought my son was insulting him. So he told on my son to me and I told him, that my son loves silly stuff and that meant he liked it.

I actually feel bad for the kid because he sits right next to my son and just doesn't understand how to connect with him. The little boy is very socially aware, and my son isn't. So they both think that the other is being mean, when there is just a lack of understanding.

It's hard to watch. The worst part is that some of the negative interactions that my son has with other kids are things I know we don't allow at home. I don't' know why he's doing it where he picked some of these things up from. But it is good to be there and talk see what is going on and talk to my son at home about these issues.

The other part that bothers me is that my son's teacher wasn't telling me about my son hitting other kids with sticks, etc. Until it got the point that a bunch of other kids retaliated. I'd asked her to keep me informed so we could talk to him about these issues.

So I'm just going to take matters into my own hands and keep volunteering and showing up to pick my son up in the classroom so I can make sure he gets his homework and other important documents. I don't care if we don't' get along great or she doesn't like it.

I know more than one of the other parents will benefit from it as well, because they are frustrated by this teacher's lack of communication. At least I can verify for them what's going on and what they can be doing to be more involved with their kids as well.