Would give anything and everything for a hug...

Post Reply New Topic

My daughter is extremely affectionate, loving, and cuddly but no matter what I try she won't hug me, kiss me, and no way would she tell me she loves me. Why is this? I have read that for some it's a sensitivity to touch, but I don't think that's the case with her. Sound sensitivity yes, but touch no. I have heard from others who say its like a voice in their head telling them the cant or shouldn't. I have also heard for some it's a practicality issue, and if it's something they don't see the need in, then they won't do it because it's silly and doesn't make sense. I have asked her why is it that she loves for her mommy to hug and kiss her, but she won't hug and kiss her mommy back, and her only answer is "I don't know". Even when she was little she was hard to carry because she wouldn't hug onto you, or clasp on to you like most kids when you carry them. I know I will never get hugs from my baby. Just still wonder why and what's going on in her head, and was hoping someone here had better insight.

When you say that you are certain that it's not a touch sensitivity-- what knowledge are you basing that assumption on? Does she hug other people and just not you?

I can relate. Drove me crazy that my son didn't hold on to me when he was a baby/tot, and he also wasn't able to tell me why. He too is very affectionate in other ways. I don't think they have a frame of reference. They can't take perspective and see that it would be helpful to the mom. They can only see in their own perspective. Lack of perspective taking and slow processing are the biggest issues I have with my son.

I've tried to hang on to the times and ways he IS affectionate and don't demand my way. I want him to keep this element of his life as a source of respite. He likes cute things, so I play around with some of his stuffed animals and he usually responds to that. For example I'll hide one and then pretend to look around frantically for it until my son finds it. Then he'll make the stuffed animal jump all over me. That is his way of loving me.

It's hard to know what's in someone else's head. I don't but here are some questions I thought of to consider.

Does she hug anyone? And if so what's different about that person's behavior or attitude. If she doesn't show affection to people much, as long as she is gentle, is a pet something your family could enjoy? It's less threatening sometimes to learn to touch that way. And gives something to everyone.

Since you are posting as having a family member with ASD in your profile and asking about your daughter, I wondered if she is the one with ASD? If so I would suggest that you assume nothing. Don't assume you will never get hugs from your baby. Children grow, they change, stay away from too much pressure to do what she says no to and know that there is a lot of copying behavior for all children, ASD or not. Since she likes being cuddled, do that, you never know what may happen.

Meanwhile as disappointing as this is for you, try to enjoy and appreciate who she is. Unless there is a muscle issue, if she likes being cuddled I expect eventually she will cuddle back.

ASD children can be very affectionate, or not, it isn't specific to a diagnosis.

The occupational therapist suggested a pillow between me and my child at one point and it really helped with tactile sensitivity, she let me hug again, just one more thing to consider.

have you tried withholding hugs and kisses? My 4yo DD (NT) says getting kisses are yucky! Meanwhile she will kiss me. SO, I was playing with her the other day and told her I no longer like kisses, and I don't want to give any. WELL, the kid was practically BEGGING me for kisses! She knew it was a game, and even still she didn't like the idea of me not giving kisses, she even said, "AAHHH" in relief when I gave in and showered her with kisses!

worth a try??

I think the key for MMJMOM is the child knowing it was a game. If your child has ASD though I would be cautious about this as you don't want to create social confusion pretending you dislike something you actually like and want. Because that makes things worse. The key is whether the child can have fun pretending and know it's a game. And whether you can have fun and make it a fun game.

precisely! I almost wrote that too, to make sure she KNOWS its a game! Had I done the same with my 8yo ASD son he would have cried and cried! She caught onto my playfulness and my exaggerated body language, where for sure my son wouldn't have. So PLEASE make sure she knows its a game. I would actually tell her, lets play a silly game...and go from there!

Thank you--- I was hoping you wouldn't be offended. It's like peekaboo is a fun game but running away from mommy in the mall or the airport, that's not fun at all!! We don't play that game, it's not fun for one side so it isn't a good game. I'm glad I made sense.

you made perfect sense! And to play that game with a kid who gets its a game is fine, for one like my son who would believe it, that would be cruel! so again make sure they know its a game!

Yes, my daughter is an aspie. She doesn't have any sensitivity to touch because she has never made any complaints or showed any signs. She has a sensitivity to sound and she lets you know about it. With sound, she feels the noise in a very physical way. For instance, she says that when her teacher claps her hands loudly to get the kids attention, it makes her eyes feel like popping out.

She lets me hug her all the time. She hugs me if we are in bed and only if my back is turned, or if I flat out make her. Normally, instead of hugging, she squeezes my thumb. That's how she shows me she loves me. No way does she hug anyone else. Her little friends try to hug her and she just walks off dragging the other kid, with their arms still around her neck, after her. Adult friends have learned she prefers a high five or fist bump. If close family friends harass her long enough she will tolerate them hugging her... Very grudgingly. Just wondering if anyone had any better insight into the hugging issue that is so prevalent and why it is such a mystery.

I was on the spectrum as a child, although that was before the diagnosis existed. I remember that I usually enjoyed getting hugged by adults I liked -- if I was already stressed out, or if it was someone I didn't know or didn't like, it felt like an assault and I would go rigid or try to escape. But even when I liked it, I couldn't respond, just stood there. The best way I can explain the feeling is that getting hugged was right on the edge of what I could stand: it felt nice, but scary too. Hugging back would have been overwhelming.

And, of course, I was not at all in tune with emotions of others. Most grownups seemed so confident and glib that I could scarcely conceive that they had feelings at all. Certainly it never occurred to me that anybody would really enjoy a hug from me.

As an adult I've outgrown or overcome a lot of my autistic characteristics, and today I have no problem being affectionate with my wife and kids ... including my ASD-diagnosed 8yo son, who for years was exactly like I had been in this regard: we'd hug or cuddle him, and he'd just stand there and wouldn't really respond. At most he'd smile and make happy murmuring sounds. I figured as long as he knew we love him, that's the important part. Recently, though, he's started hugging back, and even initiating hugs! Kids grow and develop, so there's always hope.

The occupational therapist told me, which made sense for my child, that because the wotld could feel so big and unpredictably out of her control, was why she felt my child resisted touch that felt out of her control. That might relate some--- your child hugs you from behind sounds really positive like she's maybe going to get there! And the result of hugging from behind---it gives her more control of hugging without being hugged back at the same time.