Getting a diagnosis for my 10 yo daughter

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Hi! How is everyone doing?

I've long suspected my 10 yo daughter to be on the spectrum-- she's always had anxiety, stimming, special interests. She is very intelligent and gets good grades -- up until very recently, because, now that she's in 5th grade, her lack of executive functioning skills have made it really difficult for her to organize her work and remember her homework. Her social skills were always pretty good and she was never at a loss for friends, also up until pretty recently. Now she suffers at school socially. She has some friends, but feels left out and rejected from the school social scene.

When she comes home from school, she cries and cries for hours! She is upset about school, upset about her clothes, upset about her food and upset about everything. She seems extremely depressed.

I have to leave for work very early and as a result, I'm not able to help her get ready. Her dad is overwhelmed in the mornings and doesn't help her. She goes to school with messy hair, dirty clothes, strange outfits and often times forgets her things at home. At 10 years old, I would expect she'd be more on top of that department. She really enjoys fashion and clothes, and she's actually great at picking out things to wear in general. But often times she goes to school wearing my or her dad's clothes, weird ensembles, things that are dirty or smell

Obviously I want to help her. But my main dilemma is this: I recently starting teaching middle school full-time. This has been extremely difficult for me and a HUGE adjustment for my family. I have no training in middle school or the subject I was assigned to teach, so it has been doubly hard. When I get home from work, I must spend time planning, grading, more planning, more grading and then teaching myself this subject I don't know how to teach... all while trying to comfort my daughter during her hours-long crying jags in the evenings.

It's getting to the point where I'm thinking of taking a medical leave for the rest of the year to help my daughter and then resigning at the end of the year. I don't think this is a job I can do while also taking care of an ASD kid.

Have any of you applied for FMLA to take care of your child? She is not formally diagnosed and I need to deal with that ASAP, especially since her school work is becoming affected.

Who diagnoses ASD? Psychologist? I spoke with the family doc who said her eye-contact was fine and she is able to show empathy/play with dolls etc., so he did not suspect ASD to be a problem. Perhaps something else.

She has also started excessive stress-eating and is gaining weight rapidly.

Anyway, I just need to be able to stay home and help my kid right now. Any advice?? Thank you!

No experience of parenting a child of that age but all I can think of is getting clothes/things she needs ready the night before. Make sure your husband is on board as well so he knows what outfit had been picked out and is clean. Maybe your husband could help her sort her school work if he's not so big on the fashion and that might leave you a bit more time to do your work. The school will need to help as well so that you know exactly what she needs for the next day. Then maybe build a bit of independence by getting her to be responsible for remembering one thing herself or making and checking off a list so it's less overwhelming?
Is she stress eating at home or buying things out of the house? I would make sure only healthy options are available at home for everyone and then it won't be an issue about her. Is there anything that relieves stress for her? A hobby or anything. I would encourage anything that seems to relax her.
I'm in the UK and usually an Educational Psychologist and Paediatrician would diagnose here - along with a Speech and Language Therapist for younger children. I'm not sure how it works were you are.
I hope you manage to find something that helps soon and your daughter is feeling happier.

Social skills always being pretty good seems incompatible with autism.
Anxiety and stimming are all common outside autism.
So are special interests, some kids especially gifted kids have strong interests.

When she was a young child ( 3-5), did she prefer to play alone? Did she spontaneously join other kids in playing? Did she line up her toys, or seem preoccupied with certain parts of the toys? Did she have sensory issues? Did she use appropriate facial expressions? Did she want to share enjoyment or interest of things with others? Did she seem concerned about the feelings of others?

I amn't a parent, but I suspect working on your daughter's anxiety is foremost at this time. Bolster her self-confidence as best you can. Focusing on her anxiety with a professional could yield information that would confirm or deny autism while also reducing her doubts. So, you might get better insight into her possible autism.

I second Rabbers' idea of teaching your daughter to plan ahead in her clothing choices. This could have the side effect of helping her plan ahead due to weather or school requirements. By doing this, her anxiety might reduce some when she has the ability to look further ahead than day-to-day fears. She would gain confidence by seeing her life choices as things over which she has some control.

I wonder also if your home life/strife might be compounding her fears. Family stress is amplified in children, especially if they have anxiety and/or autism. Trying to reduce what makes you and your husband anxious, distant or angry would go a long way to sorting out her handful of characteristics.

In any case, good luck. Keep asking questions on Wrong Planet. Many of us have experiences beyond our autism.

Diagnosing girls is difficult because it is even easier to be under the radar. Girls tend to mask social issues better than boys do. Pretend play ability does not mean not autistic. If you observe her play with kids, that might help. She may be missing social cues and doing stuff other kids think are weird, but not weird enough to be ostracized. I usually had one friend or two, and sometimes managed to be in a clique for a few months before I would break one of the unspoken rules or end up disgusted with whatever was going on. So, I would not rule-out autism based on superficial appearances of success. My parents really had no clue how far in the weeds I was socially. (I am not officially diagnosed, but I was obvious enough for the shrink on my son's diagnostic team to treat me like an obviously autistic person.)

As far as who should be doing the diagnosis--you can often get a educational diagnosis through your child's school district. Some are capable of doing a good job--some not. If they have a process which includes the ADOS, which is a gold-standard diagnostic test, you will be in good shape. If not, you will probably need a developmental pediatrician or a pediatric shrink who has specific experience with diagnosing GIRLS with autism. There are too many people who will poo poo symptoms of high-functioning girls. (By high functioning--I mean that in the sense of being able to exist without being obvious and have moderate success in navigating until they you know--don't)

I would also like to whole-heatedly agree with the suggestion to help her pick her clothes out the night before. It won't help with the hair, but it will be something. I would also write out the steps for her to read each morning, in a place she will see, so she can follow along. Maybe on the fridge, and include every detail, no matter how small, and maybe include clip art pics. Maybe, have sticks she can put on it, as she completes each step. Even if she is not autistic, and it is something else, she will need this scaffolded, if she is having executive function issues.

I am also wondering (maybe I read it and forgot) if your husband is autistic or has ADD or something with executive function issues. He should be able to help her with this stuff, more if he is NT. Why is he letting her out of the house in the wrong person's clothing? Even if he is fashion-blind, he should notice this.

Lay out her clothes the night before, right down to underwear and socks.
Get her a hairstyle that requires nothing more than being brushed in the morning.
Write a checklist of things for her to do in the morning, and hang it up somewhere prominent.

And yes, talk to her school about an evaluation for ASD. With a school diagnosis, she can get an Individualized Education Plan. That will allow her to get some assistance with organizing her schoolwork.