Define bullying

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I'm asking this because so many people think so many different things are bullying. Some people think that almost nothing is bullying while others think almost everything is bullying. Some think there must be an intent while others don't.

My opinion is that bullying is when someone does something to try to humiliate or make fun of you publically. I do think that it requires some sort of malicious intent, even though the intent doesn't have to be "Hey, I'm gonna bully this guy". I do not think that simply making someone do something they don't want to do is bullying, nor is being mean or rude to someone.

A person pantsing someone else, or forwarding personal email to a large group to embarrass the sender or purposefully intimidating someone is bullying to me. A person having their radio on at work even though they know it bothers someone else, or an adult making a kid do their homework or take a shower, or a boss refusing to schedule someone off days that they have asked for is not bullying to me.

So what do you all think? What is bullying, when does something cross the line between being mean or rude and being a bully? Is excluding someone from your circle of friends or not inviting them to a party that you invite everyone else to bullying? Does it require intent?

For the purposes of dominance or psychopathic pleasure, a desire to wound another, expressed in words or deed, maybe even thought

Why do you want to know?

Has someone accused you of it?

I just thought it would be a good topic for discussion. So many people on here define it so many different ways that it would be interesting to see who has what opinion of it. I've seen some crazy things that are called bullying on here, things that take the idea to the extreme, and it would be a good debate.

No, no one has accused me of it. What in the world made you think that?

Surely if a person feels bullied, then they are being bullied

I don't think it's up to anyone else to decide but the person suffering it

To be able to take legal action in the work place it has to happen more than once

You seem to be dismissing other peoples' experiences of their definition of bullying so I wondered if it was because someone had accused you of it so you wanted other peoples' opinions

Also you come across as quite an extrovert, no nonsense person ie the type to tell a more sensitive type to 'just get over it'

>I don't think it's up to anyone else to decide but the person suffering it

That is all very well but that can't be used as a legal definition.

So if a parent makes a child do their homework or go to the doctor and the child feels bullied, then the parent is bullying them? If your co-worker invites the other person in your group to lunch but not you and you feel bullied is the co-worker bullying you? I think bullying requires malicious intent.

As for being an extrovert, well yes I am one pretty much now. I didn't used to be at all. It was hard to force myself to be this way but after a few years it comes naturally. Also, for telling a more sensitive person to just get over it, it depends on what it is. If someone is truly upset about something I will try and do something to help them feel better. I don't have to agree with what someone is upset over to want them to feel better and to acknowledge that they are upset. So, would being an extrovert be a form of bullying if my being extroverted around them made them feel bullied? If I told someone to get over something would that be bullying? What if I felt that when a shy or introverted person didn't talk to me much that they were bullying me? Would they be?

I think there is a huge difference between being rude or mean and being a bully. I was bullied horribly growing up. It was a nightmare and I have a huge amount of sympathy for people who are bullied and I try to tell them what I did to make it stop, and what I have found that works about stopping it. You can't change the bully you can only change yourself and how you react to the bully.

Whats wrong with being an extrovert and a no nonsense person?

I'm not dismissing anything. I'm trying to point out that you can have a bad experience without it being bullying. There is a girl at the grocery store who is downright rude to everybody. When you get in her line she acts like you are inconveniencing her by making her do her job. It's very off putting and uncomfortable and it makes people dislike going through her line. That isn't bullying though, it's simple rudeness.

If I said that I want people to wear only red on Thursdays and I saw others who weren't wearing red, I could declare that bullying if I go by your definition of it. If bullying is something that is going to be addressed by society, as it needs to be, then having such a vague definition as "when someone feels bullied" is going to make that impossible to address. You can't have a no bullying policy if there is no definition for it. Someone could report another person for bullying just because they don't like them, if you use the definition you provided.

Yes, as I said in my post

In the workplace you'll be told it's not bullying whether it is or not anyway - I had it with my last job
and I'm taking the employer to an employment tribunal

I think there's a grey area with bullying whereby loud, extrovert, insensitive types will see it as banter and
'just having a laugh' but a sensitive introvert will feel bullied and probably is being if they are being made to feel bad

Office banter is usually at someone's expense

So maybe we should ban loud extroverts. We cannot reduce everything down to the least common denominator. If we ban everything that makes anyone feel uncomfortable, then what do we have? If (as an example) you feel bullied when I am sitting across the room and laughing and talking with my friends because you feel that we are laughing at you (which we aren't) or because we don't include you or because you are offended by something we say that you overheard, should we ban that activity? What if you sitting there by yourself reading your book makes us feel uncomfortable? Should we ban your activity also?

My point is that there is absolutely nothing that won't make someone, somewhere feel uncomfortable or bullied. If we are going to have a no bullying policy then we need to have a strict definition of bullying so that it can be enforced. Behavior can be rude, obnoxious and flat out wrong without being bullying.

And then there are people who are so sensitive that they will take almost everything that others do as bullying them, and that's just their personality and no fault of their own. Many people are that sensitive and while they don't need to be forced to "just get over it" they do need to be able to see the behavior in perspective. In other words they need to be able to realize that the other person may just be a douche and not a bully.

If you were accused of bullying when you weren't doing anything at all to the other person, maybe you just didn't say good morning or what have you, would you feel that you had bullied them? Would you apologize profusely and hope the Mea Culpa's would make them feel better or would you try to explain that you weren't bullying them? I honestly don't think I've ever been accused of being a bully, but if I had been I would certainly explain my actions and intent to the person who thought I was being a bully.

So, what should we ban then? Which behaviors? If cologne bothers me and you know it but wear it to work or school anyway are you bullying me? Lets say that it doesn't cause an allergic reaction, it just bothers me. Lets say that you know it bothers me but you really like wearing cologne. I feel bullied when you wear it knowing that it bothers me. You feel bullied when I ask you not to wear it because you like to wear it. Which one of us is the bully? Can an overly sensitive person's requests be bullying the less sensitive person? Or is the overly sensitive person always the victim and never the bully?

Generally the bully gets away with it - that's all I know

That doesn't answer anything I asked nor does it have anything to do with it. What exactly does someone "get away" with if we don't have a definition? If I'm doing something that bothers you but not doing it to bother you, then what am I getting away with and how am I bullying you? (I am using you and I as examples here, not saying that it's happening) If your cologne bothers me should I be able to force you to stop wearing it by using the antibullying policy?

If we define anything that anyone doesn't like or makes them feel uncomfortable as "bullying" then it makes actual bullying seem less important. It's like the boy who cried wolf. You'll see so many people calling others a bully that you'll eventually just tune it all out and when someone is actually being bullied nobody will care because they have heard so many "bullying" stories that aren't bullying. There is a difference between "I feel uncomfortable with that" and "I'm being bullied". Why is it so wrong to see the difference? Why is considered insensitive to see the difference?

It's disrespectful behaviour designed to upset and humiliate a person

I wouldn't say wearing cologne is bullying

Frequently spraying it in the vicinity if a person had specifically said it gives them a headache might be

It all depends on the intent

No one does usually care when someone is being bullied either as bullying is often the norm

I'm not sure why you've got such a problem with a definition - do you need it spelled out what is likely to upset another person?

I don't consider something bullying unless the action is done with malicious intent to intimidate or humiliate. I don't consider making somebody else feel bad with no malicious intent is bullying. Nor are all actions done with malicious intent bullying. The non-specific rudeness was a good example of a negative action that is not bullying.

If it is to be enforced, there must be a very specific definition. I totally agree with that.

For the purposes of anti-bullying policies it must be spelled out. If adults are going to get in trouble at work and kids are going to get in trouble at school then there needs to be specificity. "What is likely to upset another person" is not specific enough.

I don't "have such a problem" with it, I simply thought it would be a good discussion on PPR. It's something that actually should be addressed I think, especially in schools where kids may not be able to understand what is and isn't bullying. Someone may do something that is overt bullying but without the intent to, while someone may feel bullied when someone isn't doing anything to them, or someone may be being bullied and not report it because they aren't sure if it is actual bullying. If you agree that bullying is a problem, especially in school age kids then finding a solution to it is important. Part of finding a solution to it and stopping it is defining what it is. Something that just upsets another person is not bullying. Why is it so important to you to not have an actual definition for it? We cannot leave the definition up to the person who feels bullied because many times that isn't actual bullying.

To stop something we have to know exactly what it is. If we punish everyone who does something that bothers another person then we end up as the bullies ourselves.

I also said this:-

It's disrespectful behaviour designed to upset and humiliate a person

As I said before though, even with a bullying policy in the workplace it is very hard to prove bullying, expecially if there are no witnesses as it's just your word against that of the bully

And that's the whole point I'm making - generally the type of people who bully are clever enough to do it in such a way that they don't get caught and are often friendly with managers too