Pat Condell: 'A knighthood for Andy Choudary'

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Here in Britain we have a traditional honours system where twice a year the Queen gives out a bunch of knighthoods and other ridiculous medieval baubles and the lucky recipients can then call themselves Sir This and Lady That and Lord The Other. It's really quite an ego-fest, and everybody loves it. Theoretically, the public are allowed to nominate people for these awards, and although clearly I'm too late for the current New Year honours list, for the next one I would like to nominate for a knighthood Britain's best known loudmouthed benefit-scrounging Islamic extremist buffoon.

If you don't know who I mean I'll give you a clue. His surname is Choudary, and his Christian name is Andy.

Yes, you remember Andy, of course. Every so often he floats to the surface of the scum of the earth to entertain us with his trademark intolerant hate-filled antics. For this reason he isn't everybody's favourite cup of tea (or pint of cider in Andy's case, of course) but nobody can fault his forthright honesty or his single-minded dedication to alerting people in Britain to the true nature of his religion, which you won't be surprised to hear is not the fictional religion of peace we keep hearing about, but the very much more real religion of intolerance and violent hatred that's currently persecuting and murdering Christians by the thousand in the Islamic world while western politicians carefully look the other way.

It's the religion with all the money; the aggressive Saudi-funded supremacist doctrine that's currently bribing its way into the western world to subvert it from within. It's a divisive, dictatorial, and downright deadly dogma, and Andy, bless him, lays it all out for us honestly on a platter. The least we can do is give the poor sod a knighthood. It's not as if we don't throw them out like dog biscuits anyway.

And yes, I know we already pay for his rent and his heating and the food on his table, while his fellow jihadis are living in caves with nothing to do all day but polish their weapons and pick lice out of their beards, but that's right and proper given the level of public service that Andy is delivering.

He's such a true British hero there should be a statue of him outside the East London Mosque, pointing imperiously like Hitler towards Mecca. He should have a regular column in the Guardian newspaper. I'm amazed he doesn't, given some of the ugly hatemongers that paper has published in the past. Andy would seem tailor-made for the job until you remember that Andy tells the truth about Islam and sharia, so he's got more chance of being elected pope that he has of getting a column in the Guardian.

But that's OK because every time he opens his fat fuzzy face some lazy tabloid prick of an editor gives him a full page spread anyway and of course the wretched BBC can always be relied on to give him as much air time as he likes, so his message is getting out there, and that has got to be good for all of us, because whatever you think about Andy Choudary, nobody can deny that he's true to himself. You won't catch him grovelling to the Daily Mail for a job, and then slagging it off on Question Time to curry cheap favour like a shameless whore because Andy has more integrity than that. We know we can trust his word, which is more than can be said for some.

Of course we all know he's a fanatical nutcase and if he had his way Britain would be like a rainy Saudi Arabia, but nobody seriously thinks that Andy Choudary will ever be in a position to, say, execute gay people, or to fly the flag of Islam over Buckingham Palace. But it's fun to hear him say these things because we know how much it embarrasses the self-appointed groups of suit-and-tie jihadis who claim to speak for all Muslims, and who want the same things Andy does, but can't say so openly because they'll give the game away. And they know that most people know this about them now, so whenever Andy opens his silly fat face and tells the bare naked truth about Islam and sharia, they cringe and squirm like salted slugs because they know that everybody's looking at them, and that nobody believes a single divisive mealy-mouthed word they say. And that's very healthy for our society, and great fun for all of us.

So I'm saying it's time to give Andy Choudary his due, to recognise the contribution he's making to our society, and to stop regarding him as merely a vile, noxious social influence, as a human acid rain cloud, as a verminous intellectual troglodyte and poison-spreading bottom-dwelling benefit-scrounging parasite, and admit that this ludicrous puffed up fuzzy-faced oaf has been nothing but good for Britain. And I hope that, come the next honours list, we'll all be able to show our appreciation by raising a toast with a pint of cider and a Camberwell Carrot to those long overdue immortal words: "Arise, Sir Andy".

Inshallah.

I would say "peace", but I know that peace is very un-Islamic, and I don't want to offend.