Is it okay to hate my father?

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He hasn't ever physically abused me. But he spanked me when I didn't listen, and found it funny how red my leg was afterwards, and how you could see the hand in it. He did this a couple of times and had fights over it with my mother.
He made a lot of offensive remarks throughout my life, like "Are you that stupid?" "Wow, you're fat" (now I know I wasn't fat, but I really believed this and almost had an eating disorder) and even about my breasts which hurt a lot (the remarks) because I was only 16 at the time.
I was scared of him for the first fifteen years of my life and I don't have any memory of us hugging or having a nice, warm, personal conversation. He doesn't know anything about my life, except for my biggest hobby, playing guitar. He yelled at me a lot and this caused me to be very stressed and have bad results at school. I lost friends because he didn't want me to go on playdates with them.
One day he lost a cd and blamed me for it, but I didn't put it away or anything, he had a meltdown, started yelling and picked the closest item he found and threw it at me. Later that day he found back the cd and acted as if nothing happened.
In July 2011, I heard him telling a friend that 'you should treat children like dogs'.

I tried talking to him about it, he was upset but said he couldn't change anything about it, "It's just the way I am." My mother has been thinking of having a divorce...for the past 15 years. She can't stand how selfish and stubborn he is. These are some examples of how he is as a father, but he also has problems maintaining friendships, he always gets into fights, and I've heard friends of my mom say they don't like the way he acts (he loves to humiliate women and foreigners - while he's married with an asian)... He used to be fascinated by guns, crossbows etc., hurt animals as a kid (and a few times as an adult, he also didn't go to the vet when our cat got ran over and broke her hip, and another time when another cat lost half of her leg... we shouldn't have pets but I was too young to understand it at the time). As a kid he often cheated on tests, and I heard stories of things he did when he was older.

Then me and my father have some bad traits in common, we're both very stubborn and we have problems with talking about our life/our feelings. It's as if we're doomed to hate each other.
Actually, I don't think he hates me, but I am his 'least favorite' kid. I have a highly intelligent brother with the same interests as my father and they talk a lot, he gets everything he wants. My older sister ran away from home, because she couldn't stand it anymore and now she lives alone in an apartment and she's still in therapy.

I tried to forgive him but today I got into a conversation with my mother about this and then she asked "you hate your father, don't you" and now I think about it, I think I do hate him. But it's almost typical for a teenager to hate your father. + He pays for almost everything (that's why my mother is still with him). But sometimes it feels like that's his way of keeping us with him.

I really don't know what to think about this. It feels wrong to hate him, but I really think I do hate him, and I also think I have been feeling like this for a really long time.

How would you feel in this situation? Would you try to solve it (and how)?
What was your situation at home? Are there a lot of Aspies who don't like their parents or another member of their family?

Last edited by Ddddd on 03 Mar 2012, 6:28 pm, edited 1 time in total.

I don't always like my father, but I always love him, because he's my dad and I know he does the best he can, just like I do. He's done some really awful things to me, but he does have some admirable traits. My situation is different than yours; I would have a hard time respecting someone like your dad. I know that it helps that I have the perspective of being an adult and a parent now. When I was younger, there were times that while I didn't wish him any ill, I thought that I could go the rest of my life never speaking to him again.

You are living in an unhealthy environment. You need to move out as soon as you are old enough, or if already that old, go now. Your dad is not going to improve with age, and neither will your mother. She is an enabler. She lets him get away with abusing you and her. She is not likely to change. Your mother has had 15 years in which to protect both of you by getting out, and hasn't budged. Don't expect her to go now. So the only one who can get you out of there is you.

I get by knowing that he didn't want to have me in the first place (kind of an oxymoron since he slept with my mom), so it makes it easier knowing that it wasn't me, but the situation.

Aside from that, he wouldn't take me on days he was supposed to, so that obviously hurt. When confronted later on he made excuses and said I was "embarrassed to be seen with him". Didn't make much sense since we would stay in his apartment anyways. Then he said that his apartment was too small and there was nothing to do. I agree, there probably wasn't much to do, but that's not the point. The point is, a daughter or a son needs their father.

Do I move on? yeah. Do I want him to be a big part in my life? No because I know it's forced and not mutual.

Some people have parents who abuse them. Some people have teachers who abused them. The possibilities of abuse are endless; stay with the people who don't abuse and listen to them. You'll learn more unless you want to model the abuse, which I don't think you do.

To be honest, some people won't grow up.

A fine example would actually be my dad. I can relate to most of what you've went through (the only difference being I'm not scared of my father, I'm only a couple of inches shorter than him). My mother had enough of my dad when I was 8.

But it's alright to hate someone, because that's the way people are. Just don't let itgo overboard.

He sounds a lot like my father. That CD story, reminds me of similar situation in which he lost his laptop charger (for his work laptop) while we were visiting relatives in Tennessee. He blamed it on me, and then went to the nearest walmart and found the most expensive laptop charger that would fit his computer, and paid for it using money withdrawn from my bank account. Later, when he found it in the trunk of my grandma's car(the car we had on the trip), he gave me half the money back and never apologized. Also, like your father, mine is constantly making insults to me over everything. I'm stupid for not getting all A's on a report card; lazy for not having a job; an as*hole because I responded to his telephone greeting of "Where the f*** are you?" adversely(In this particular case I failed to answer my phone on the first call, and called him back). Again, like your father, if you confront him about anything, he evades, usually with "Why are you harping on about something that happened weeks ago?"(Fortunately for me, my parents are divorced, and so I only have to spend half of my time with my father). The key is to not be afraid of him, and keep confronting him. Get yourself your own apartment/house if you can, but I'm guessing that if you had the means you would have done that already. Hate him if you want, but don't stop trying to get him to realize that he's being a d**k. Remember that he WILL fly into a rage when you keep trying to confront him. That is what this type of person does, but giving up won't solve this problem.

As for worrying that you are too much like your father, you're probably just imagining or overemphasizing those traits in yourself.

If that doesn't constitute physical abuse I don't know what would. Abuse has a way of confusing the victim and fogging their awareness of the fact that it is indeed abuse. I didn't even take the time to fully read your post before making this one. I can always edit it.



Yes. My parents are horrible. They take wonderful care of me physically and financially but horrible care of me emotionally. Paying for things doesn't cancel out a parent's selfishness and is NEVER an excuse to abuse or abandon you in other ways.

My experience has been that though you might be able to reduce some of the resentment that you feel if you can get enough social support (which is REALLY hard because most people never believe us kids), it's not possible to completely forgive an abusive parent. I mean really, that stuff affects you for the rest of your life. It will always be a part of you.

I have been in a very similar situation and understand what you're going through. I had a stepfather for almost ten years, from the time I was seven to sixteen. He could be a bit bossy and controlling sometimes, and he was quick to anger, but for the most part he was a good guy to me and I loved him. Then, three years ago, out of the blue, my mother announced she was getting a divorce one day, and just like that we up and left, and I never saw him again. It turned out that for the past ten years he had been physically and emotionally abusing my mother while my sister and I were with our dad. For a very long time, I was (and still am to some extent) very confused about how I felt towards him. Part of me hated him for what he did to my mother, and part of me still loved him because he took care of me, and part of me hated myself for still caring about him after what he did. You said it feels wrong to hate your father, but in spite of that you still do. That's okay, you're allowed to hate him, he was a bad father to you. One thing I've learned though, if you can, it's a good idea to try and forgive him, not for his sake, but for your own. Once you've forgiven him, all the anger and resentment you feel will stop eating at you, stop hurting you. You can let it, and him, go. It's very hard to do, and even after three years I'm still not there entirely, but it is important that you try, otherwise your hatred of him will weigh you down for the rest of your life, and he will have won.

Given my father's current state, having driven everyone out of his life by his bitter and abusive behaviour (driven by self-loathing, I think) and now being in bad health and all alone, likely to die before the decade is done, I don't hate him anymore, and I wish I never did. But it's pretty hard not to when you're in the thick of it.

To answer your basic question: hate is a useless and deleterious emotion, and it is best if you can find away to forgive and lessen this feeling, but you are no less of a good person for feeling such an emotion. Most humans do feel such emotion towards a wide variety of people, and it is definitely not your fault that you feel the way that you do.

As for my situation; my father is certainly not abusive--he wouldn't dare physically injure me, he provides me with all of my basic needs and practically all of my not-so-basic wants, and he even tries to be emotionally supportive of me. That being said, we have a tendency to not "click" with each other. He is extremely critical of me; if he says twenty things to me a day, eighteen of them will be some sort of criticism or insult. I have come to see this as more of an exemplification of his personality, as he is critical of everything and everyone, barring himself, and less of a personal attack. The way that I feel about him and our lack of bond is likely more of my fault than his; my heart races whenever I hear his footsteps; my voices becomes soft and quivery when I speak to him, and eye contact is non-existent. I love him, mainly because I love every human being (I hope.), but I find it difficult to bond with him as much as a daughter should bond with her father.

I wish all of you the best of luck in dealing with your relationships with your loved ones. May you all find peace and comfort.

Last edited by WerewolfPoet on 08 Jun 2012, 9:12 am, edited 1 time in total.

My dad doesn't really understand. He actually once said "don't engage him in conversation". He complains that I ask to many questions when a project needs to done and says it is more work to explain than it is to just do the job himself. He also screams a lot, this is where I usually have a meltdown. I used to go into my room and lock the door but he took the lock off my door; know I go into the bathroom instead. I don't respect people when they want to oppress people with their screaming rather than having a conversation with them. I'm 16, I don't think this is an unreasonable request. I am almost always polite until someone gives me a reason not to such as direspecting me or yelling at me. He is critical and sometimes embarrasses me but his criticisms are what made me pursue the possibility of being an aspie. He also teases me, he doesn't get that I can't stand it. Eye contact, directions, memory I could go on; sometimes I feel like every other sentence ends in "sorry." As a result of this I do not let him help me with my school work which is probably a mistake. The thing is he (says) he want's to help but I don't think he understands how. He has the same issues with my Autistic Brother. He is very supportive though, he provides me with all of the opportunities that I need. we have similar interests and opinions but I will usually rant on about something and he will lose interest. I feel that Werewolf has a similar situation to me.

I believe exactly as you do. It's an attempt to get compliance through force, same as physical violence, when there is no case that can be made for it with reason.

Oh there's worse: belts; switches; hammers; forced runs; holding heavy objects for an hour.

I think you just really need to leave the house. If he hasn't changed after 20 years, chances are he won't.