Never Been Happy

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Well, I might have been when I was 1 & 2, but I don't remember. My earliest memory is from when I was 3 years old and I was in Playgroup painting a picture and one of the kids came and asked me something and I froze up (I'm guessing that was the AS) and it upset me because sometimes I wanted to play with the other kids, but I couldn't bring myself to speak (I was mute outside my family until I was 6). I realised from such an early age that I was abnormal and would never be like other kids. As a result, every single memory I have I'm unhappy and still, to this day, where I have friends and there's nothing really wrong in my life, I still feel miserable. I have nothing to be miserable about, which causes me to get angry and agressive and snap at the only people who actually still care at all. The two friends (S & B we'll call them) I have now are great but I just can't let them in, like I've managed before. Those people I trusted before (A & J) stopped speaking to me without explanation, after I told them everything there was to know about me and they said they were going to help me. Directly after that was a 2 week holiday from school, and I don't think I've ever felt as bad as I did then. I completely shut off from everything and everyone. I spent the whole 2 weeks playing Pokemon on my little brother's gameboy just to keep my mind off of things, until I plucked up the courage to go out to where the group hung out. A friend I had (S), but hadn't spoken to much since i'd met A & J was there and I ended up breaking down and we've been good friends again since. Back at school, my other old friend (C) started speaking to me again. Then someone else (B) came back to school after being off for some time. The 4 of us was my last attempt. Then C left me for A & J even though it was their fault I hadn't been speaking to her (A made stuff up about her and I was stupid enough to believe it) again, without explanation. I still havn't recovered, even in the slightest little bit, and it's been 2 months since it and 6 months since the last 2. If anything, I've just been getting worse. My life has been getting better, but I just keep getting worse. I have my Mum, my Step-Dad, 6 siblings, 2 close friends and 4 other friends and I get on with all of them. I found out in August that I'd passed all my Standard Grade exams, and I felt nothing. There's ABSALOUTLY NOTHING wrong with me, so why the hell do I feel so damn miserable?! Sometimes, I really do just wanna end everything, the nice and easy way. I just don't want to leave my family and freinds, because I know they care. But I've been depressed since I was 3 and suicidal, on and off, since I was 5, and nothing looks good for the future, so really, what's the point? My only life plans at the moment is to make everyone hate me so no one will care when I'm gone and i can just silently leave.
Sorry to rant

Being sad and irritable with no external cause is often chemical depression. If so, medicine does help in most cases.

i can relate. my life goes well, there would be lots of people wanting to switch with me if they could. but they have no idea how sad and futureless one can feel.

yeah that is what my new conselor thinks of me. She thinks that I have been in a mild depression for years and now that it has grown into more of a major depression (or so she thinks) medication has been long needed.

I guess I too have realized that I have never really been happy. Like little bursts everynow and then, but I think that is attributed to a touch of bipolar.

But to say that there is no external cause is a bit false I think. Like just having a mild sense all of your life that you are different from everyone else and you know intellectually that it is you. Attwood calls it reactive depression which happens to some people with AS. Like you know you are different and it is causing difficulties but when someone asks you what is wrong, at least for me, you can't say something definative, it is just an overall feeling of you existance that you have always felt. And as time goes on it just grows especially when you are at a time when you are expected to go out more on your own. Basically everything just sucks. Bleh.

That's probably what's wrong with me. I tried to get a doctor's appointment, but because i can't tell my mum, i had to change it coz i had to be on a train at the time of my appointment, then i had to change it again because the doctor was running extremely late and i had to be home for 5, so i changed it again, but then my mum needed me to babysit at the time of that one so i just gave up and cancelled. I've never got the courage to try again. It's like a sign that i'm not supposed to get help, that there's nothing really wrong with me and everyone else is right and i am just being selfish. even though i can't see how that is because i don't want anything and i always put others before myself. like today i had to shut off completely just so i could get out of bed this morning, but by the end of the day i just wanted to break down and wanted to just get home to be on my own, but i'd already said i'd go down the street with my friend, and i still did, even though i just wanted to get home. so i know i'm not selfish, but i just feel...i dunno...meh
sorry so moan so much

u are not selfish. u should get help, and why can't u tell your mum about the way you feel? u should.

Absolutely you should tell someone. Is it that you don't trust people or value the help you may or may not get?
Incredibly difficult but don't let severe depression beat down your self-esteem.

I'll pm you if you like and if I feel I can help and that. Stay strong buddy.

Please do not undermine your struggles. I have spent most of my life fighting a low mood. I thought trying to get help seemed ridiculous, like I was making mountains out of mole hills and I should be just able to cope. My life was okay, in my efforts to fight my low mood I had taken all sorts of measures to try to be happier, so really my life was okay --- but my mood wasn't - my doctor pushed me to take medications - it was really hard to find one that suited, and then I decided I really didn't need it. So I stopped taking it. Anyway - after way too many years of struggle - I decided I was sick of fighting my low mood. It wasn't a battle I seemed able to win. I went back on half a tablet a venlafaxine - which I have upped to 1 tablet. My mood is even and I don't have to struggle anymore. But I can't tell anyone in my family I take this medication. This is what stigma does, it makes people feel inadequate.
You need to resolve to see a doctor, write down how you have been feeling and give him the note. Don't put up with a low mood any longer, it takes the joy out of living. Tell yourself each night before you sleep that you will make an appointment to see a doctor until you follow up on your own advice.

Hope this helps.

I've tried on 3 different occasions. Each time I've simply been selfish, ungrateful, attention-seeking and a drama queen. She just doesn't get it



It's because I've told a total for 4 people. My mum didn't believe me. And my 3 friends stopped speaking to me soon after. I have 2 friends right now who sorta know, but I can't tell anyone else. I just feel that they wont believe me.




I've tried so many times, and it's just never worked. I put my trust in my mum, who didn't believe me, 3 friends, who left me, and 2 teachers, one who went on maternity leave, and the other was transferred to another school. I've tried getting to the doctor 3 times in the space of a week. Everything i try, fails.

I know how hard it is to feel hopeful when feeling down. People don't understand - too often.
Is there some sort of life line (telephone link) in your area - could you make contact with a group like this to seek support. Please don't give up fighting. I can see from your post how hard you have tried to get support. but things can get better. Have you tried St Johns wort - not that effective for deep depression, but at times I have found this herbal remedy to be helpful, maybe worth a go.

Please do keep in touch, medications have helped me so much - they should be more readily accessible for you. Is there a doctor you can approach without an appointment, just turn up? Do they have a health nurse at your school?
hugs and love
PM me if you wish -anytime

No, there's nothing in my area. There's only 2 clinics and I can only go to one of them and I have to make an appointment. There isn't a school counceller, an the school nurse is an idiot. There is a teacher who's supposed to be my Guidence Teacher but he tells me to "smile" or "Cheer up" at least once a week. He is also an idiot.