need help. i had sex & i need help. i'm scared and confu

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um i haven't been here in a long while but i needed a fresh look on something and i didn't know where else to go.

the problem i was having related to the casual sexual relationship i'm in; more specifically to what happened on monday.

i've been in this relationship since half way through last year. it started out okay. my only complaint was that he didn't care if i orgasmed at all and would not give me oral though he expected me to go down on him for prolonged periods. i tried talking to him about this but he dismissed it, got defensive about it, acted like it was my fault for misunderstanding the relationship and said he refused to change at all. he was still better than i had had. he seemed to be nice outside of bed. talked to me about my feelings, tried to understand my anxiety( i didnt tell him that lots of it comes from him), and gave me advice to give to my partner while helping him find work because he's broke.

of late the sex has gotten worse and i've felt dehumanised & objectified. i get no foreplay anymore and besides the fact that i like it, it causes me physical pain(lasts the whole week. i cant have penetrative sex with my partner because of it) to not have some kind of foreplay. sex has become more like masturbation. i give oral, he might penetrate, then he rolls over and sleeps. nothing else happens. he doesn't notice that i've become more disengaged, less turned on, i seem out of it after sex and i get kinda unresponsive, i've stopped spooning him. i've almost cried a few times in front of him, during the act. i've expressed dissatisfaction many times. he keeps trying to do it condomless even though he knows it's a rule. i need to protect me and my partner. sex with him reminds me of rape.

the main part of this story:

but that's all back story. my problem was monday. i don't know how to interpret what happened. i need somebody to tell me what happened. thoughts are running through my head and i don't want to call it what it might be. i need somebody to say it.
i went to his late at night and he was getting me to suck him and after a while it was obvious that he wasn't going to be pleasuring me in any way that night, not even penetration which i'm also finding unpleasurable but i didn't use to and it was all i got on a good day. so i said my jaw was locking and he let me stop blowing him. then i faked being sick in general and he told me to lie down and i thought i was safe for the night. then he said he had to do something with his hard on. so he got up, spread my legs, lubed up his dick with saliva and was getting ready to stick it in when i pointed out i was still wearing underwear, he wasn't wearing protection and that if he was going in he had to give me foreplay. i had meant to have a talk to him about foreplay that day because of the pain it causes to not get it. i figured any reasonable human would be okay with performing it if it meant saving the other from pain. his reaction to me saying i needed to be fingered because it hurt was "F#CK". he rolled over and slept. the next morning he woke up. i was still asleep. the furthest away from him i could be. he took my undies off while i was asleep and started to finger me and that's how i woke up. it hurt but i didn't say anything. i just hugged my pillow tight and hoped he'd go away. but he didn't. he went to his draw to get a condom, came back and inserted himself into me and began pumping. it felt different so i asked if he was wearing a condom, he said no but kept going. i waited for him to stop and get one because he knows how i feel about it but he didn't. so i asked him if he thought he should use one and he kept going but then stopped, went and showered, came back, said "sorry, i had blue balls" and blew in my mouth. i felt like throwing up.

he's done it with me before when i was on the cusp of sleep/waking and i've asked him before if he knew i was awake or not those times and he said he never really thought of it but had no intention of doing it when i was sleeping. it would be rape if he did. this time though i was very obviously asleep. eyes shut, slow breathing, limp, immobile limbs, still dreaming. and he did it without a condom, which he knows i would never give him the right to and he didn't stop when i asked if he had/should get one. its bothering me in a big way. my partner put a name to it and asked me if it was what he thought. i didn't know how to answer because i don't want it to be. i was wondering what people here thought. what would you call it?

a few hours after that he messaged me saying he didn't take me for granted and offered to help with food, money, transport and accommodation because he found out that i'm newly homeless. i had resolved to cut it off with him before that but now i'm so confused. confused about what happened and about him. i feel s**t.

That's really awful, sorry. If you didn't consent and told him to stop that would be considered rape. End the relationship as soon as possible, you deserve better, you could also report it if you'd like. Also if you're not on the pill you should take some other a contraceptive, and get an appointment with a doctor. Remember that this is NOT your fault. If you can talk to anyone about that could help too. Good luck.

You already know what we'll say, you just need to see it, so here it is: Dump this guy, never see him again. You've tried to make him understand you, he won't do anything different, it'll never get better. No sex is better than sex with this guy.

Also is there anyone else you can stay with, even for a few days, because you should try and go there.

You need to cut this guy out. He's obv not interested in you as anything other than a warm piece of meat.

I am so sorry this happened to you. Nobody should have to go through what you have been through. Get rid of him. Don't let him beg. Just throw him and his stuff out the front door or leave. And if he gets physical at all, call the cops. Abusive men don't change. It just gets worse. For the sake of your health and your sanity, get as far away from that guy as possible as quickly as you can.

thing is i never said stop. the fact that he started when i wasn't even conscious means consent was never given, so does the fact that he did it without a condom. i think he knew what he was doing because he felt he had to say sorry and make excuses. i feel like that's why he offered to help me too. and i kinda hate myself for staying this long but he was friendly outside of bed. i told my partner what happened and he said he "basically raped" me. i just don't wanna believe it but i guess i should stop being in denial. i know he's a jackass and just because he isn't outside of bed doesn't change what he is in the bedroom. the thought of being near him nauseates me. just didn't think he'd think it was okay to go that far.
@Sona_21: i've been staying at uni in queerspace for the last few days and i can be here for at least a month longer. sometimes my partner is here to keep me company but i don't wanna talk to him much about this because i'm worried it'll stress him out.

If you didn't say no, it's hard to make a case he raped you.

Now that said, he is a scumbag who is using you for his own personal pleasure and you need to get the hell out of dodge on that one.

She was asleep. And the ground rule in the relationship was that he use a condom. It was the absence of consent.

VMSmith, I think you read the situation correctly. The guy knew what he was doing and he felt bad afterwards. It was a cheat, it was a sneak. The guy could have chosen to be a decent guy. And besides being an abuser and an user which he certainly is, he's also an immature lout.

And a better society would have a legal system which could address this. A judge would tell him, she was asleep, you didn't use a condom, that ain't so cool. Now, I personally favor shorter sentences consistently given, but that's me. Other people may have different views.

Unfortunately, we are a long way from this better society. The unfortunate truth is that most legal systems are not good at addressing when something abusive happens in the context of an ongoing sexual relationship. If you choose to report it, please do not go alone. Please take someone like a family member or women's center advocate with you. This person will in a sense act as a fair witness and change the dynamic in a positive way. The official will be more likely to be respectful, serious, professional.

I also think that you will have a hard time making a case for rape if you didn't say no or tell him to stop once you were awake. You sleep with this guy and stay over while apparently having another partner who knows about it. Why is your partner fine with this arrangement? The other guy will make the argument that what he did wasn't rape because everything in your (sexual) relationship(s) seems to be so unconventional.

There is a difference between rape and rude. He was rude. He sounds like an ass.

If I were you I would either kick him to the curb or tell him no more blowjobs until he straightens up. Then stick to that. Also, tell him that if he does it without a comdom to you again, that he's going to wake up without a dick. Don't stick to that, but make him think you will.

Blowjobs are like the doggie treats of sex. If you give them out all the time, they lose their effectiveness.

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I'm giving it another shot. We will see.
My forum is still there and everyone is welcome to come join as well. There is a private women only subforum there if anyone is interested. Also, there is no CAPTCHA.

The link to the forum is http://www.rightplanet.proboards.com

You have been abused. This guy does not have a healthy approach to sex and is using you,you have every right to pursue charges. Be aware that the process of seeking legal justice can be very traumatic for the victims of abuse. What you have endured is dehumanizing and could be considered 'grooming' in an attempt to normalize this behavior and confuse you so you come to see his abuse as justified or even his way of expressing 'love', please cease this relationship and also Let him know what he has done is NOT ACCEPTABLE.

He is a sleaze, you need to make sure you have nothing to do with him let alone share a bed with him.

Frankly a man who has sex with a woman the way he did deserves not to have any female company ever again !

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Health is a state of physical, mental and social wellbeing and not merely the absence of disease or infirmity I am not a jigsaw, I am a free man !

Diagnosed under the DSM5 rules with autism spectrum disorder, under DSM4 psychologist said would have been AS (299.80) but I suspect that I am somewhere between 299.80 and 299.00 (Autism) under DSM4.

My dad is an abusive person, usually emotionally in tricky ways, occasionally physically. My mom has stayed with him all these years. And that's the baseline, just that people in general, both men and women, tend to stay. And I remember from years ago reading about the three-part cycle of abuse.

1) build-up of tension, walking on eggshells,

2) the abusive incident, and

3) the honeymoon phase, where the person often is genuinely sorry.

And the honeymoon is the tricky, difficult part. For often you are seeing the person at their best, the very qualities why you liked them in the first play. And they often are sincerely sorry to the best of their ability, which can be rather limited.

My dad often skipped the honeymoon and thought it unfair that my mom was holding a grudge against him and viewed himself as the aggrieved party. So, this three-part cycle is not universal. Rather it's just a general pattern which sometimes happens.

Okay, so all this is very stressful (and remembering this to me personally, of course it is).

One thing to do is to set some limits as fall back positions. For example, please do not go back to his place alone to pick up stuff even if he is not scheduled to be there. Please take someone with you.

And if you meet him in public or just happen to run into him, maybe plan something brief to say, from which he may give an apology or he may not. This guy in general sounds like he is a nonrespecter of persons.

Okay, so you have real financial difficulties and are basically homeless. That's serious. One thing is just to take the money from him, but not get back together with him and don't meet anywhere other than a public place. Another option is to take a chance and tell him that he did let you down in a major way but if he wants to help out an ex-friend, you can accept help with that understanding.

I can't express how sorry I am for you and how appalled by and angry at your partner's behavior. What I can express though is that your partner is a rapist. That's how the law in most Western countries sees it too.

If a man gropes a sleeping woman, who can't possibly consent while being asleep, he commits sexual assault. And if he continues to have intercourse with his victim, he is guilty of rape. Consent has to be established before anything sexual goes down, otherwise it is a non-consensual and forced act. This doesn't change because he is your boyfriend who sleeps in your bed. Even if he were your husband, he would have no right to simply have his way with you without asking first. Men are very much aware of this and know full well that this is not ok, under no circumstances.

I know this is often easier said than done, but I think at the very least, you should get as far away from this person as possible. Depending on where you live, the legal situation in your country, and your ability to cope with dealing with authorities, you might also want to file charges. It would be great if someone like him got locked away before he finds another victim. I understand if the latter is too stressful for you, but you really need to get away from this person by any means possible. If he makes it difficult for you to leave him, don't be afraid to contact the police.

I only read the first part, to which this is my response. Your right something is quite wrong with the situation. Forgive me for being blunt, but people like that make me angry.

He is just being a selfish dog as far as sex goes. If you haven't dumped him already, you should. Do you not believe in equality between the sexes? Don't act like a slave.