I hate Asperger's and I want to kill myself
I just felt downhearted the other day. It seems that everybody around me has had that experience of being in a big crowd of friends that they are not forced to mix with, they made these friends themselves. My boyfriend said he was born shy, and suffered terrible shyness as a little kid, but when he was a teenager/early 20s he did a lot of things with a large group of friends. I just will never know what it feels like to be included in a decent group of friends - without feeling left out in the group. Once upon a time I did have a group of friends I'd met at college, and we'd meet up on Saturdays and hang out, and for about a year I did feel included, like I was part of something. But some of them just lost touch and got in with another crowd, and the remaining ones started to bully me, accusing me of flirting with their boyfriends, and then threatening to beat me up. So obviously I kept away from them after that.
Some things that happened in childhood still make me feel hurt to this day. When I was 10 I had an operation on my ears and nose, and I had a week off school. When I came back, I felt a little ill at playtime (it was raining so we couldn't go outside) and the teacher supervising the class sent me to an empty quiet computer room to sit with a drink of water (there was a comfy sofa in there). She sent another girl to go with me and sit with me so that I wouldn't be lonely, but when we got there the girl asked me if I wanted someone else to sit with me instead of her. I said no, but the girl didn't really want to sit with me, so she insisted she'd get someone else to, and she went off to get a girl who was supposed to be a closer friend of mine. But this one came storming into the room, yelling at me, "you're such a fussy Fred aren't you?" and sat down in a huff. I told her to just go back into the classroom and carry on playing, so she did. I just sat there on my own, feeling like nobody cared. I could imagine that if that was any of the other girls who had returned to school after an operation and she still felt a bit weak or sore, I bet one or even more of the other girls would WANT to sit in the quiet room with her, even if it meant giving up their playtime. I know I would be delighted to keep a friend company if they were feeling ill.
Things like that have been happening all my life, not just in childhood. I would give a few more examples, but this post would be too long. I've always felt unimportant to people, and I do take it personally because I know they wouldn't treat other people like that. It's just me, because I have this Asperger's, I suppose. So this is why I am afraid of organising a social event for me, in case people think that I'm not worth enough to give up their precious time for, but they'd jump at the chance of attending somebody ELSE'S party.
This is heartbreaking to read. I'm sorry you went through that. Don't take it personally. Kids are dumb. It probably had little to do with you and more to do with the activity of having to sit quietly with someone where illness is involved. No kid would jump at that opportunity because all they want to do is have fun at playtime.
Just because a few things may have happened does not mean you need to define yourself a certain way. Anyway, I applaud you for the idea of the party. I think it's a bloody brilliant idea.
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"There once was a little molecule who dreamed of being part of the crest of a great wave..."
(From the story 'The Little Molecule' - Amazon Kindle, 2013)
Just a quick update:
My cousin's party was last weekend and none of her friends turned up, only family did. Bea Arthur was right.
By the way I am not 'happy' because of it. I do feel comforted that I'm not the only one in my family with very few friends, but I'm NOT gloating or jumping with joy. I was actually disappointed for her, although she didn't seem to care. She was just happy to have family there.
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Female
I can relate. Of my cousins and siblings, I feel the least. And none of them have the learning disabilities and chemical depression. Sometimes we just roll snake-eyes.
Having lots of friends sounds great, and probably is great...but it sounds emotionally exhausting,as well.
You sound very intelligent. I'm glad you got these feelings out of your stomach and onto the forum when you did. From the responses, you've made a positive impact. Please take care of yourself.
hugs
My cousin's party was last weekend and none of her friends turned up, only family did. Bea Arthur was right.
By the way I am not 'happy' because of it. I do feel comforted that I'm not the only one in my family with very few friends, but I'm NOT gloating or jumping with joy. I was actually disappointed for her, although she didn't seem to care. She was just happy to have family there.
That's a very mature reaction. I'm sorry for her, but at least she had family there.
_________________
"There once was a little molecule who dreamed of being part of the crest of a great wave..."
(From the story 'The Little Molecule' - Amazon Kindle, 2013)
thanx for the update. and ya, ur reaction shows u as a decent, empathic person
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sanity is a prison. insanity is doom. is there a third option, please?
beware the ire of the patient ones!
and if i walk away, who is gonna stay? i believe to make the world be a better place.
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