Help me...please help me...I need a hug or something

Post Reply New Topic

How can I be successful for once in my life, and yet be so completely unhappy, so totally lost, and so horribly paranoid and uncomfortable?

I've almost always been a poor student for all of my life. I was very lucky to even get into College, and when I did I got a 0.0 GPA my first semester and a 1.2 the second. The first year of College was so messed up because I was getting entangled in a (yet another) failed luminence...a crush I had on this girl that ended very sourly and pretty much killed any ambition I had to do anything. And then second semester I met another girl who I pretty much ended up falling in love with...we're best friends, yet I'm still in love with her and the trouble is I don't think she has fallen in love back. Throw in learning about Asperger's and being diagnosed. Yeah, recipe for disaster.

But now, totally out of the blue I'm doing well this semester. We're halfway through and I have a 4.0 GPA. Even I don't understand it, but it seems out of nowhere I found the will to do well in school. And as if that wasn't good enough, I've moved out of my parents house and into a fairly nice apartment and I've been comissioned to write a feature-length film score for an independent film here in Idaho. Literally it's a dream come true. Unfortunately, I'm still entangled in this hopeless crush I have on this girl who apparently refuses to acknowledge this incredible thing that we have. But other than that, I have no reason to complain.

And yet despite all of this, I can't remember the last time I felt worse. I know I've been depressed like this before, many times in the past, but it seems having success in life isn't doing me any favors. I feel so uncomfortable. Uncomfortable and unhappy like no one would believe. I get paranoid that things are going to come crashing down on me, that this is all just some kind of illusion, and I sometimes get afraid to the point that I actually want to fail, because then at least I know what I can expect. Failure has been the standard, and it's what I'm used to.

I hate this though. If I can't be happy when I'm failing, and if I can't be comfortable when I'm successful, then what the hell is the point of life? What the hell is the point when some screwed up God decides to toy around with our heads and fill us with such social fear and general lack of well-being. Did I do something in a previous life? Is this really hell? This screwed up God not only throws these curveballs in my life, but as if that wasn't enough, he gives me a huge family that loves me but couldn't possibly understand the troubles I'm going through. So killing myself would shatter, completely and totally shatter my family, thus putting a brick wall down that path.

I hate this all. I just want to fail again. I want to be sent into the path of a drunk driver. I want to be set in the path of a serial killer, or a robber with malicious intents. I want to be sent into the path of a gun-wielding aggressive drunk guy. Come on, God, where are you, you stupid coward? You throw me these curveballs I can't possibly hope to predict...you dangle carrots in front of my eyes only to pull them away just as I reach for them. Screw you and your screwed up universe. I hate you. End it all for me, please just end this.

AGHHHHHH!

/rant

I have seen and experienced something similar to what you feel. Now you have something to loose, so of course you worry more about what might happen and feel get depressed.

Now, I have learned that I make this feeling with my own thinking. I am thinking something that makes me feel nervous or depressed. If I can start thinking differently or just being a little bit rational, I feel better. It seems from your mail, you are already close to being able to do that. At least you know some of your thoughts are unrealistically pessimistic.

It is called behavioral therapy, and you may find someone who can instruct you. Otherwise, I can recommend the book "feeling good" by David D. Burns. It is as far as I know the only self-help book where the positive effect actually is clinically tested. I found it in a magazine that told how they had given it to men in the Australian outback who were suspected of being depressive, and who would rather blow their brains out than talk with someone about their feelings, and it seemed to have worked. That made me interested.

Good luck with your work

well I can only offer a hug, I am dumb as a twig in regards to college, and
some of my relationships are a mess, I hope things do get better for you.

Old slippers are familiar and comfortable.


The new and unfamiliar are unknown territory........ freakout!

One step at a time. Take it at a slow steady pace if you can..... don't think too far ahead.


Cognitive Behaviour Therapy as Engineer says may help..... possibly try to get the book he mentions.


Success! Jeez! What do you do?

Whatever you do remember the stuff that you can't do well and avoid it. Why do I say this?

Not long ago I too had a "success" and I felt all freaked out.......I ended up putting myself in a very uncomfortable situation ( for me.... other people in a similiar position would be fine).... I found myself at a very BIG occasion..... with heaps of people I didn't know..... small talk city type of thing..... I was completely overwhelmed.... crowds, small talking strangers, bright lights, people milling everywhere.... a derealisation state took me over and I felt really shaken up for weeks afterwards.


At that stage I wasn't aware that I was an Aspie and didn't think the situation and ramifications through... I didn't protect myself...... I know I came over as strange on that night, and I hope that it will not limit my possibilities for success in the future>


You now know you are an Aspie so protect yourself from potentially " dangerous" situations.