how do you build self esteem if you lack a self?

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as an aspie i have no indivualism i've copied others my whole life. To be direct i have no self yet i know i'm not alone in this. so how do we build our self esteem if its based on lies and flase truths

I have very little self esteem, but a lot of self.
I think I just came to a point where I stopped wanting and trying to be "normal". People just seem so boring so much of the time. Try and really FIND yourself.

agreed, I never liked the idea of being someone else, mainly because there aren't a lot of people I know around my age who are as mature, honest, respectful, and sensitive as me. I recently tried to be someone else for a while and it just accentuated all my negatives! Never again I tell thee. From now on I'd rather be hated for who I am, than liked for who I am not. I'm sure you have lots of great qualities yourself, even if it's just being a nice guy, that's a lot more to say than a lot of the people I know! Hope you feel better about yourself soon

i have AS and i have never sought to copy what i do not understand.
i am not saying that that is an AS trait. i do not think it is good to talk on behalf of other people with AS. everyone is different.

but in my case i never really paid attention strenuously to anyone. i can not be bothered to learn the tribal routines of people so i opt out.

i am content and secure, but i often see socialites that are forlorn and displaced. i can not help but think "thank goodness i am not like them" while they also think "thank goodness i am not like him".

self esteem is not really necessary if you just trust that you are in the safest and best place you can ever be in life given your unattenuated decisions as to what you will involve yourself in.

my "self" is what i know most and what others know least.
i do not care. i just be.
contentedly.

I was just saying to my friend the other day that I'm not terribly creative, but copied others, and build upon ideas I come across.

She pointed out to me that copying is not actually that bad a thing to do, and to look at how successful the Japanese have been, building a whole gleaming new nation from the ashes of the war with it.

So I suppose that even if you go with the crowd, do you know what you like or what feels more comfortable? For instance, if you follow family around, are you happier in museums or in sports events, etc? I have no idea of how you spend your life, or what you copy others in, but you get the general idea in exploring the idea of what bits of what you copy make you happy or at least don't make you unhappy?

Do you have any things you want to do in your life?

I bet you have a set of likes and dislikes, things you enjoy doing. You could make a list. Foods you like and don't like, tv/ music, etc. I can relate in the sense that I cannot 'feel' myself like I suspect other people do. I sometimes make these lists to remind myself that I really am there. I have read this before, sometimes being in myself feels like I am freefall, there is nothing to grab onto and I can't feel the boundaries of me. I know it sounds stupid but sometimes it helps to write down I like lima beans, I hate onions, and stuff like that. I hope the simplicity of that isn't insulting. One thing I do that really annoys me is I attract gregarious people into my life and their friends become my friends. Because I don't make friends easily. And I realize I have done this all my life, when I got on facebook it was like wow, I have an aggregation of the friends of all my exes. It was a weird realization for me.

I always did lack any sense-of-self, but managed somehow to have a relatively good self-esteem. I had the illusion for a time that I was needed for something. These days however I lack both. But I think it was the original "selflessness" that ultimately became my undoing.

I'm the same way, growing up I copied the mannerisms and beliefs and acts of those I admired.

That doesn't make me based on a "lie" or a "false truth" by any means, and neither does that make you a "lie" or a "false truth".

What it does mean is that while some of us aren't terribly creative, we may just be better at engineering, so to speak. We copy others, oftentimes those we admire, who make us feel good or strong or whatever... but as we continue to do so, drawing from multiple people, we become more than a copy of any one individual person. Combine all of that with our own personal experiences, which aren't limited to the people we copy, and then suddenly we've become more than the sum of all the copied parts. Remember, no person grows up without copying at least some element from a role model, a parent (especially), etc.. Young children engage in mimicry for similar reasons. It's a behavioral imprint. Those who insist or think they are living a life totally free of copying are deluding themselves, or will have an extremely difficult and slow growing process. Why re-invent the wheel if you already see somebody using an effective wheel?

So ultimately I don't think you should feel bad for having copied others... just make sure that over time you develop a standard that you are comfortable with, so that you aren't just copying absolutely everything that everybody does. And as I alluded to before, also make sure that you get yourself out there and live life and get some experience under your belt. All the copying is meaningless unless you put what you copy to life's test. It's arguably the best way you can ever weed out the bad/ineffective stuff and actually fine-tune that standard in the first place. Then after all that experience not only will you know what real life is like, you'll be a better person because you've paid attention to all the good in other people and incorporated it into your own actions and worldview. That's no small thing to sneeze at, and actually promotes good self-esteem.

Good luck!

I will try to elaborate because it may on the suface just sound like semantics, but I draw a distinction between "self" and "identity".

To me, "identity" is how you are perceived by the rest of the world world; and "self" is how you perceive yourself. Confidence or pride in the "identity" you have established CAN be a boost to your "self"-esteem (or vice versa with negativity towards your "identity"), but, as b9 said, and as I know as well, it doesn't have to.

My "identity" is very adaptable, and it helps me grind my way through social situations successfully, even though it usually isn't easy or natural. I feel that this purely adaptable sort is abnormal, but it could be perfectly normal and no one would ever know, right? So there is no real reason for me to feel good or bad about this, and my "self" and self-esteem are thus based on entirely different things. My "self" is affected by this only in trivial ways, for example, in the sense that my "identity" is so transparent that my inner monologue does not even address me by name. It just calls me "dude".

What about the multitudes of people we see everyday who are 95% similar in speech, appearance, and likes/dislikes? Are they all just being themselves, or are they just better actors?

I almost wish I didn't read this thread. It's making me question if I even have a "self."

So what?

Simply look at what makes you happy and then put together a plan to get more of what makes you happy.

Pick the best parts of everyone you've ever admired, every philosopher you've read, etc. A la carte, junk what you don't like. Upgrade frequently, so you get better at life as time goes by.

Almost all of the cells in your body die and are replaced many times over a lifetime. Even the ones that don't, like neurons, have parts that get worn out and are replaced. In a sense, you really aren't the same you now that you were 10 years ago. The only thing that connects us to our former selves are a few physical trappings and our memories. And we don't even fully understand what memories are. Can you hold one in your hand, give it to a friend?

The past can teach us, but it can't hurt us. Be the best that you want to be.

You are someone. You say you have no self. Then tell me where the drive to post this thread came from. What made you choose your words? Why are you a member of WP?

How do you choose whom to copy? Is there anyone you haven't copied, anyone you copy more than others? Why?

What do you do if you're in a room by yourself?

Right now, would you like to eat a carrot? Why, or why not?

NTs are especially guilty of this, but most people define themselves by their social connections, who they know, who they care about, where they are in the social ladder. If you look at any major figure or politician, they value themselves by how connected they are. Why do you think ostracism is seen as so painful for most of society? It tears away every remaining piece of their identity.

As an Aspie, trying to define ourselves in the same way can be extremely painful. The best way to work around this is to think about who we would be in the absence of all people. What would we do if we never met another person, and could be content/happy with that?

It's not a perfect approach, but it's better. It'll allow you to figure out who you are as an individual, and that's something you really don't want to let go of. Hang onto it once you've found it.

I hope you figure things out.