I hate having AS.

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I hate having AS. I know that many people with AS are wonderful, and that there are good sides to having it – but I’m a horrible person, and none of these positive aspects really exist in me. I don’t have special interests…although I sometimes become obsessed with destroying myself. I’m not logical; I do have a logical side but most of my life is centred around technically illogical thoughts. Social awkwardness and messed up ways of identifying and expressing emotion, now? I just can’t stand this anymore.

I’m only fifteen but my hatred of myself has built up to a point where I don’t feel adequate enough even to be around other people. I can’t make myself do anything that I need to do or focus on any of the things I either need to or even would like to focus on. This school year I have missed weeks of school just because, in the morning, I have curled up and shut down and refused to go. I’ve stopped talking to my two only friends. I’ve come to realisations about my family and how my mother and step-father probably really wish that I wasn’t living here with them. Everything that was keeping me sane a year ago seems to have fallen apart now.

I can’t make myself revise for exams. I can’t make myself practise instruments. I can’t make myself write. I can’t make myself sit down and read. The only things I seem to have no trouble doing are binge eating (eating is messed up in my house/family, and I go through stupid phases of eating very little/binge eating for several days), self-harming by cutting myself or just literally hitting myself, and spending hours on the internet trying to find something that will change everything.

I don’t know what to do; I am the laziest, most disgusting and horrible person I know; I’m barely human, yet I don’t know what to do. I feel completely lost and alone. I don’t know how to really motivate myself or make myself focus on things. I can’t talk to people because I’m so socially anxious/ashamed of myself. I can’t join extracurricular activities for a similar reason. Everyone always suggests exercise, but it’s difficult to exercise when you’re so ashamed of yourself that you tense up/disconnect to some extent even at the thought of people seeing you. I can’t bring myself to care, because if I really just can’t act like a real, decent person, what’s the point in anything? I’m never going to come to anything, and eventually it will probably get to a point where everybody I know just wishes that…well, they didn’t know me.

People like me make others uncomfortable. I feel like I can't sit down or stand or breathe or hold myself in the right way. I know that if anyone knew what I was really like, the things that went through my mind and the way I acted by myself at home, they would either laugh or make fun of me or just turn away, disgusted.

Again, none of the positive aspects of AS. I have no routine; everything is total chaos and I never know what’s going to happen and I don’t know how to deal with that. I have no special interest I can sink into for hours at a time; when I was younger I loved to read and write but now I feel too stressed even to do those. I don’t trust myself to do anything right, from eating to sitting to schoolwork to talking to people to doing activities.

Has anyone here ever dealt with these feelings, or am I just stupid?

I've said something similar in another thread here yesterday: To me it feels like there is very little we can actually do to help you other than listen and understand. Others can correct me here.

First of all, I think 15 is pretty much the worst age for AS. I say that because the teens are that age where the social world, peer groups and friends are the most important thing in the world and not being accepted/fitting in/not having friends is the worst thing. I think I was also about 15/16 when I had the worst time. I am 23 now and if I am anything to go by I can say that it will get better. Sadly for me there was nothing I could really do to accelerate that change, it was just time and waiting for better years to come.

Secondly, you say you hate having AS. While I can see how this is understandable from your story, it also sounds like you've got a whole lot more going on than "just" AS:

I wouldn't be surprised if any of that stuff was the result of AS, but this doesn't mean that AS necessarily has to lead to a wrecked life. Yeah, this is not much help to you now, but maybe it helps you to focus your attention to some of the immediate issues that surround you.

It sounds like you are very overwhelmed by it all and out of options. Are you talking to anyone about this apart from this forum here? Are you seeing any professional (for example, in regards to self-harming)? I really really feel for you, and it makes it really difficult, because there is not much I can do apart from writing these lines and reading yours. You are most certainly not stupid and also none of the other things you say about yourself.

You are still human and you are still a person with interests and passions, but it sounds like you have been taken over by some bad conditions. You are not responsible for what happened to you, but you can make a change to go back to being the person you used to be and doing the things you used to like. I was where you are now and it seems like there is nothing left to look forward to and nothing that can ever make things better, but even if things are so overwhelming, there is always a way to get out. Focus on small things to start with.

Sorry, this all may be of no help at all. Certainly reading it back with a mindset of being in your position, it doesn't appear to be much help, but it's the best I can do...

You're not stupid. You sound a lot like me when I was your age. I felt very similar to what you're describing, but I pulled through, and I believe you can, too.

It sounds like you might be suffering from depression or anxiety on top of your Asperger's Syndrome. Fortunately, both of these issues can be worked through and even medicated. Is there any body in your family you trust enough to talk to about getting some counselling, or is there a counselor available at your school?

Age 15 was a really bad time for me too and I had little knowledge or experience to deal with it. Trust me it will get better. Make some changes (any changes) and try to get your ball rolling again.