Nothing Left of Worth...

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I think that I've seen, heard, and read just about everything that would be of interest to me... and whenever I'm reminded of that it puts me into a dark mood where I spend hours or even days to try to find something appealing...

I have a library of books on the paranormal, archeology, and the occult, which was an interest of mine, but I've never really believed in such things and I've read all the books, seen the shows, played the games related to the subjects... Soon, I found that new information got scarce and then disappeared. Just the same nothingness repeated redundantly. Atlantis will never be found. There are no dark secrets in the world.

So, I looked at politics and found it meaningless and pointless rather quickly. There are hundreds or thousands of people spouting nonsense and once you work your way to the root of the problems you realize that it's all entirely meaningless.

As for my obsession with games... I love them... I've studied game theory... I've made a few games... I know the history extremely well... I have an extensive collection... and most of all they let me escape from this meaningless world... into a meaningless world where my actions actually appear to have meaning.

Eventually the games simply became burdensome... I've beaten several hundred... I'm not particularly good at them, nor am I particularly good at developing them. I've sunk months and even years into developing games that are entirely worthless and pointless... they brought me nothing but wasted time.

I am consuming media at an even faster rate, attempting to find something of value to me, but I rarely come across anything. Everything is so scarce... so horribly scarce. To search for hours or days on end for a few minutes of bliss...
There are so few jewels left in this world for me. It's all too scarce.

Honestly, I don't like people in general... and I don't think that people in general like me... and I realize that my distaste for almost every other person's works that they have poured their lives into is similar to how no one really cares about anything I have poured my life into. I am not one of the lucky people to have had the luck to make an impact on someone with my work... with my art... and it's so awful... I hate this. I hate everything about this world. I hate this eternal recurrence...
I hate this call to level me. I want to be me, but there isn't anything left for me... So do I now have to choose between being leveled... or death... I can't really continue like how I am can I? But if I find a direction and am leveled, then what am I?

Ok. You're experiencing an altered state of being. And I don't mean drugs. More like clinical depression.

There's an inherent amount of joy that all humans get from the very basic things. They don't have to seek it out. Even the tactile sensation of your fingers punching the keyboard keys is somewhat pleasant. The feeling you get when standing in the gas station and fueling your car. The taste of a delicious burger.

The dramatic turn of events in a TV show that makes you feel a real emotion.

Currently you're in an altered state which cuts you off from everyday, effortless influx of minimal required amount of fun that all humans get, even during decidely un-fun and seemingly mundane activities.

I have two suggestions:

1) Of all the things you can find in this world, and all the games you can get bored by, the only factor that keeps feeding you new unpredictable and challenging data, is other humans.

When I got blue I used to play a lot of online shooters - Quake Wars, Tribes: Ascend. Because the humans created a new scenario every time, and also those games forced me to be in the PRESENT, to some degree.

2) Acknowledge your body. Be more IN THE BODY. Take a walk in the park. I recommend trying traditional martial arts, because they offer realtime interaction in real-life, which is usually heavily structured and quite manageable by protocol-loving people with ASD. Also consider other activities with unpredictable feedback born anew in every moment, such as tennis or ballroom dancing.

When you shift your focus this way, and then come back to some of your old cerebral sources of joy, you may suddenly realize they too feel fun again.

O man, take care!
What does the deep midnight declare?
"I was asleep—
From a deep dream I woke and swear:—
The world is deep,
Deeper than day had been aware.
Deep is its woe—
Joy—deeper yet than agony:
Woe implores: Go!
But all joy wants eternity—
Wants deep, wants deep eternity.

The lack of adequate aesthetic stimuli is a creative driving force for some artists. They create to fill a personal need.

Perhaps truly amazing things are rare, but that makes it all the more worthwhile to find them. Believe me, you could spend a lifetime and not see all the great things that this world has to offer. Your persistence will be rewarded.

If you enjoy paranormal ideas study Quantum Mechanics since one cannot get anything more out of this world than that.

(I should note that if I seem incoherent, it's probably because I haven't slept for more than two days now.)

I wouldn't really know if I'm depressed. I'm not very in touch with my feelings, I just know that they are there and difficult to understand. I guess I am though, I have been exhausted as of late, but all work has been toilsome meaningless drivel for several years now. I've slowly run out of new things to like and love and slowly there were less things capable of giving me some fantastical escape.

I'm hoping Skyrim gives me that fantastical escape. I'll start playing on the first of February.

As for your suggestions.. thanks... but people? really? I don't normally like people and they don't normally like me. Even when I play MMO's I tend to solo. I don't get along well with parties and when I'm apart of a party or clan or guild there is often a rift between me and the other members. I'm the outsider. I haven't been accepted in a clan for more than a year now.

Let me try to explain why I don't get along with people.

My taste in media itself is rather dark. My music is often grotesque, but rather varied. My TV shows are like Texhnolyze (a show about human extinction that is devoid of humor.) My favorite movies include Fight Club, The Double, The Shining, and the House on Haunted Hill. Those movies are bleak with House on Haunted Hill being the happiest of them all. I don't like horror movies, but movies that haunt the deep recesses of the consciousness.
My favorite author is Dostoyesky, an author who other authors including Ernest Hemingway spent their lives to try to match (and Hemingway died believing that his own work was crap compared to Dostoyevsky.) He wrote bleak haunting tales and dark comedies like Crime and Punishment, The Brother Karamazov, and the Double.
My favorite theologian and philosopher is Kierkegaard.
My favorite comic book is Johnny The Homicidal Maniac (made by the same guy who brought us Invader Zim, which is one of my cartoons)
I like media that ventures into the parts of existent and the human condition where most fear to tread. And I hate people who always have to shine their self-made sunlight into every secret, dim place. And I especially hate hipsters because they seem like my antithesis.

My father has called me a monster occasionally since I was a child and I do scare people... I don't mean to scare them, I guess I'm just scary by nature. I'm not violent. I try to be kind and compassionate fellow, but I know I scare people. I'm a dark person and often I find myself believing that I have great evil inside of me. If I talk about video games, people think I'm a hopeless loser. If I talk about the paranormal, people think I'm crazy (which is fine, I don't believe in the paranormal.) If I talk about my general aesthetics, people think I'm a psychopath and sometimes I wonder if I really am. In highschool, they did one of those graduating polls where every says what they think the graduates will end up becoming. Everyone said that I was the "most likely to go to prison" and "most likely to be a serial killer" I know that because I knew the valedictorian who was an editor for the school newspaper and yearbook, he had it changed for me.
I don't want to be around people. They don't like me. Recently my only remaining friend played a recent game I made and told me "well, if you ever go on a shooting spree, I'll know what to say on the news." He meant it as a joke, but... still. And now I'm worrying if this post will further ostracize me. I know most people seem to think I'm a psychopath, but I'm not... at least that's what I tell myself. Maybe I am? Or have i just internalized people's words and lost faith in myself? And now everyone reading this will doubt my humanity.
Last year, I had a random spiritualist come up to me and tell me that I was a "Fallen angel but I might someday be redeemed." Do you know what that's like? To be told be a stranger that they think that you are hellspawn? No, I don't like being around people. I think it's best to keep my distance. Do you know what it's like to question whether or not you are pure evil constantly? To wonder if you're a monster or a demon?
I don't even try to present myself as being socially acceptable anymore. I wear all black except for a bright orange hat, with long messy hair and an unmaintained beard. I scare people doubly now. It keeps them away. People scare me.

And for your other suggestion, I wouldn't mind taking up martial arts, if I could do it alone. I used to do some fencing. But I don't want to be more in the body or acknowledge my body, anything otherwise is painfully toilsome. The only thing I can think of when I do physical stuff is how much I don't want to be doing it. It's so toilsome and weary.


Unfortunately I seem to lack the talent and/or resources required to fill that personal need. I work on something and realize how terrible most of it is. The very little I like that I make is still of poor quality and needs to be remastered, but I don't think I have the talent or resources to do that. Whatever I make just seems... second rate... at best. There are very few things I have made that are satisfying... and regardless it isn't like anything I make will leave a legacy for me.


But the journey between them expands with each discovery... How long can I live on bread crumbs? How do I know if the reward will continue to be worth it? The greater the journey between rewards, the more toil that must be faced between rewards and the total net worth of the reward seem lessened. As a proverb says, "As wisdom increases, so increases sorrow; the more knowledge, the more grievance."


eh... I've looked into that as far as it interested me. School ruined that one for me, just like it continues to ruin everything it touches. But, I'd rather not care for such things. It's a pointless endeavor into the remaining secrets of the universe in a meaninglessly blind fashion. It's an annoying reminder of the unseriousness of human affairs.

you remind me of myself except i dont dress that way, or give off 'dark vibes' to people.

have you ever had a good friend in real life? I have had some, and this is what probably kept me going.

A couple of things I am interested in that you might like:
soundboard prank calls
http://soundboardprankcalls.wikia.com/wiki/Duncan
and
astrology
http://astro.cafeastrology.com/cgi-bin/astro/natal

Ive been meaning to read dostoevsky but I am reading madame blavatsky at the moment