Break Up emotions and worries

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I am looking for some advice on how to deal with my own emotions after a mutually agreed break up with my partner. We were both happy to split for the time being (at least), but since we have split things have become a little hard for me. She is my best friend and one of the reasons for the split was that we didn't want to risk our friendship through trying to carry on a relationship. The problem is that I am suffering subconsciously. The more time which has passed since the end of the relationship (only a few weeks) I have started to really miss her, to find the things we no longer do (cuddle into each other and such) really hard to stick with. I know she is still a hugely important person in my life but somehow my subconscious emotions are behaving differently. I am feeling almost angry I suppose, in that I seem to be doing a lot of talking over her or talking down to her and denying every opinion she seems to have. I had no idea originally as to why I was doing this but someone has brought to my attention the two reasons for my feelings.

One: I am scared. I am not in control of my future at the moment. I had everything planned, I knew that if I moved in with her I'd have the chance to be independent, I'd have the chance to have a marriage and children, all of which would be an awful lot harder without a partner. I feel the corridor which had a door at the end saying 'dream life' has got at least twice as long and that door seems much smaller and harder to reach. I never had any interest in dating, never had any want to be in a relationship as such and I don't think I have the skills or want to get into another relationship. She is also an Aspie and has related to me in ways no other person ever can, she cares about my special interests and we can talk about sensory things and such without it being 'weird'. we understand each other and I don't feel I can live out with that.

Two: I am annoyed at myself. I feel like people had started to treat me as more of an adult when I had a partner, like they saw I wouldn't be the 'type of autism' which meant I'd live in assisted living and be 'not a real adult' (I don't believe there is anything wrong with these things, everyone has their own goals and abilities, just saying what others think) I feel like I have somehow taken a step backwards and that I did something wrong and stupid even though I know it was the right thing to do. I am angry at myself for letting go of her, even though we both felt that it was best.

So my question is this, how do I deal with my own inward emotions, my own fear, and anger as well as the fact I currently really miss her? How can I work through these emotions and make us ok again. She is so important to me and I really don't want to lose what I have gained in the amazing person she is through my personal issues.
Thanks for any help, it is hugely appreciated.

Hey Pixie,

How are you doing now?

I can relate to those feelings, I have been through the experience recently where I thought a relationship was a big sign saying "NORMAL LIFE!" with marriage, children, a house by the beach, two incomes and the like. Losing that was incredibly hard, because it has forced me to face where I really am in life. Where I am isn't as bad as it could be, but I still feel judged and lonely. I live alone, for example, I don't clean my yard, I'm the local "Boo Radley" in my village and it's hard to face.

For me, the positive thing about the breakup was that it forced me to stop pretending I could have those things. I happened to have another opportunity open up, to move away and start a postgraduate degree. This means living with others in a noisy city. It's scary and not ideal, but it's still ME. In a way that my dream future with my partner wasn't truly ME. It was the dream of someone I wanted to be, who I thought I needed to be to feel "normal" and accepted by those around me. But it's not really the dream of who I really am. Does that make sense? It might not be the case for you.

I find that it is very hard for me to accept myself, and being single compounds that. Like all the negative messages I heard growing up about how nobody would ever love me and I'd wind up alone seem true.

One thing I will say is that many people with autism aren't raised to have another choice. We are often taught that for our lives to have meaning, we must find a way to fit in with neurotypical society, and if we don't, we'll be lonely, miserable and unhappy. So that pressure to reach certain goals or milestones is overwhelming.

As far as working through your emotions goes, you just have to go through it. Get a pen or notebook and write everything down. Think of everything you want to say whilst throwing a cushion at the wall (it's okay. It really is). I draw comics where I capture the pain or absurdity of the situations I feel. These feelings hurt. They take a very long time to work through.

Anger isn't bad. Many of us are taught to fear it. A breakup constitutes a loss, and I think it's harder when you try to stay friends. I tried to stay friends with my ex-husband when our marriage ended. I could no longer fill the role that he wanted me to fill, and he became quite angry and bitter. It was very painful. I think it would have been better if we hadn't tried to stay friends, because a dynamic shifts and it isn't healthy to pretend that it hasn't. We think we "should" be okay with this other person now living a different life which doesn't include us as much, but deep down we're not. It's ok to acknowledge that. It's also ok if it takes months, even years, to go away -- and sometimes it never does.