guys keep hitting on me/ unwanted attention.

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that's the problem though, most people here don't have that much body-language awareness to know how to appear uninterested or busy. that's why I think we should just be straightforward and say it out loud. I'd be grateful if people were honest with me if they don't desire my company instead of being two-faced about it and trying to appear curtsy.

I think Willard's advice is quite profound coming from an aspie guy..

The problem is always knowing IF they're hitting on you and WHEN to put your foot down. Like, you don't want to treat a guy who isn't actually hitting on you as though he is, but the longer you put off deciding that he's making unwanted advances, the more time he has to figure that your friendliness means you're actually interested in him.
How do you tell the difference between friendliness and unwanted

I guess Merle is right... the only way to really stop it is to get fat. But then you end up feeling so uncomfortable in your own skin.

Whole thing makes me wonder if Islam doesn't have it right on the whole female dress thing.. Wearing clothes that make it impossible for men to SEE any of your body would certainly be healthier than packing on weight for the same reason. It's occurred to me that that practice is actually way less dismissive of women than being treated like nothing but a sex object is.

Maggiedoll wrote:

I had some neighbors who were Somali Bantu and practicing Muslims. The women did not cover their faces but their hair and everything else was covered. Beautiful patterns of cloth btw. Anyway I tried on one of the gowns and it was suffocatingly hot. The women who wear the burkhas can barely see to get around. It's funny that there was a time that the sight of a woman's ankle could drive a man mad with desire, so I guess it's all relative.

I think that it doesn't matter how a woman looks or dresses. If the male in question decides he is attracted, only God knows what he is seeing or thinking when he approaches. I have been hit on while looking my worse, in a grouchy mood, etc. I don't think we have any control over it. Scary thought.

I've come to the tough realization that I do get hit on in "real life," contrary to my own long-held belief. The problem is that I'm hit on *exclusively* by OLD(ER) MEN (i.e., 50+/retirees/geriatrics - my apologies if I'm offending those at this forum who're in that demographic!).

I work at a gym; my main (mindless) task while on the job is to adjust members' Nautilus circuit seat and weight settings as specified by their individual trainers, and to ensure that no one gets hurt while using the fitness floor equipment. At first, I thought the men in question were simply being kind and sweet to me; they always thank me politely for helping them, love to discuss their vacations, knee replacement surgeries, and grandkids. They seem genuinely interested in how I'm doing, what my career/life plans are, etc.

Ahhh...guess again, girlfriend! Recently, I've had several old guys grab/rub my shoulder and back when I'm busy writing something on another member's fitness tracking chart (I'm sorry, but I don't think they were just being "friendly"); two in particular just leer at me with shit-eating grins on their faces the entire time I'm observing their use of the equipment. Unfortunately, I'm a captive audience unless there're several people using the circuit, or someone else on the fitness floor needs my help.

It's really disturbing, not to mention depressing.

Ugh. I am in that demographic, and still don't like the types of men that hit on me. When I worked at a nursing home, I was always being fondled or leered at by elderly men. Meaning men old enough to be my father. They even asked for dates!



I agree. Especially when it's never anybody that I am interested in, to begin with!

The guys I like - i.e., younger men - don't give me the time of day in "real life."

Again, I agree. worse, they sometimes tantalize, by staring at me as if interested, and then not making a move.

Hmmm. A relatively-cute college-age gym member's been smiling at me a bit, lately; I smile back and act pleasant toward him because I have to (it's part of my job); it's kind of an excuse for me, I guess, because ordinarily, I wouldn't be able to look at him/look him in the eye/talk to him at all. Regardless, he doesn't actually talk to me, or "make a move," either. I have no idea what to think. I don't feel like making a right ass of myself by clumsily attempting to chat him up. I'm useless at that sort of thing, and I have no idea if he's even interested! He's probably just being polite. *Sigh*

Ah, yes. the bane of being Aspi e...

Personally I'd never approach a girl if I hadn't already got the message that she's at least slightly attracted and I believe it's the same for most NTs. This is a list of the signals guys look for before making a move http://www.flirtingtips.net/8-signs-a-w ... ted-to-you these are aimed at men obviously but might be useful for aspie girls. Must be worth a try.

e2a: making an effort not to do the things on the list might be a good way to avoid being hit on.

Haha, I usually don't even notice when I'm hit on, except when it's by African immigrants, probably both because I'm afraid of being racist and my body language is nicer than to the average white guy here. And because of cultural reasons they are a lot more aggressive and when I ignore their advances seem to see it as a reason to be more bold rather than to accept it is unwanted.
Oh, and the odd guy that claims to be gay and then suddenly decides he actually is bisexual.

This isn't about doing something wrong or right, it is about being attractive and seeming approachable.


For me usually works feigning ignorance (when I'm not actually ignorant).

However if your body language was open and remains open - your full front is facing the person you are talking to, you are looking in their face, hovering between eyes and rest of facial features, your shoulders are relaxed and your posture is somewhat soft, it looks to the other person like he might have a chance. When you maintain that posture and try to ignore what was being said, it will look like you just didn't understand and he probably still has the courage to ask again, more directly.

So an important part of this 'ignoring' thing is to change to a more reserved body language.
Like, he: "So what are you doing tonight?"
You, turn your body a bit so that you are facing away from him, bring the nearer shoulder up and front so that it is between you and him, maybe set the other foot back so you are moving a bit away and then look at him a bit from down and the side, "I'm sorry what did you say?"
the stance will change the meaning from 'I don't understand you' to 'I refuse to understand you'.
The main idea is to TURN AWAY before you answer.

Of course I have no idea if that might work for you. To me, LEAVE ME ALONE is the normal expression and I have no idea how one would learn it (and how to unlearn it.)



What also might work is to reply asking calmly "Why did you ask me that?" (I wouldn't smile, but look straight in his face but only from one eye to the other, I think)
because that gives him the options
-to back off (win)
-or to be clearer about his intention (which is probably difficult for him!) and that will give you an opening to say "I'm sorry, but I have a boyfriend"

LOL! I love the "vertical scan!" Unfortunately, because of my height, men AND women constantly do this to me, and it has nothing to do with flirtation. Usually, they're not smiling when they do this, either.

Creepy: I "scan" people's faces all the time, without meaning to. I can pretty much tell you the eye colo(u)r of everyone I work with, plus several gym members' eye colo(u)rs, as well. And I'm not even interested in them (ok, maybe *one* )...

Wow, that list now makes me very nervous! I often touch the back of my neck, or play with my hair, when I feel unease. So, all this time I might have been giving off flirtation signals! I was out with a group of acquaintances, and my friend told me later that I did a good job of flirting with this one guy. Curious, I asked her what I had done that is flirtatious? She said I had twirled my hair as I spoke to him. Since I actually like the guy, I didn't mind that I had seemed flirtatious, but it would be nice to know when I am flirting. So many things in that list are things I do from being nervous, and not wanting to flirt.

Yeah I get the same thing but in the other direction, I often get gay guys thinking I'm coming on to them too. It can get pretty awkward.

I think the face scan thing is for when you're in very close proximity when you want him to make his move.

Oh, noooooo! I do that because I can't hold eye contact very well when I'm talking to people, especially if I find them unattractive, or I happen to not like them, for whatever reason - I look at the other parts of their faces because I'm so uncomfortable (for example, there's an old gym member with a glass eye - ack! He probably thinks I'm MAD about him, now!).

If I can get over the excruciating discomfort with someone whose appearance I *like*, I tend to look them in the eye too much (like my handsome, green-eyed co-worker ). Cripes! I can't win.