guys keep hitting on me/ unwanted attention.

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Hmmmn
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18 Sep 2009, 10:04 pm

Well I think in that context it's not so bad, I think the kiss signal needs to be preceded by a few of the others first and when I say close proximity I mean dancing or sitting close together kind of thing. I wouldn't worry too much about that one at work.

Last edited by Hmmmn on 18 Sep 2009, 10:05 pm, edited 1 time in total.

hartzofspace
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18 Sep 2009, 10:05 pm

I notice that a lot of Aspies give good eye contact when we are very interested, either in the person we are interacting with, or what they are talking about. And NTs use eye contact for everything.

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polymathpoolplayer
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18 Sep 2009, 10:56 pm

Hmmmn wrote:

Personally I'd never approach a girl if I hadn't already got the message that she's at least slightly attracted and I believe it's the same for most NTs. This is a list of the signals guys look for before making a move http://www.flirtingtips.net/8-signs-a-w ... ted-to-you these are aimed at men obviously but might be useful for aspie girls. Must be worth a try.

e2a: making an effort not to do the things on the list might be a good way to avoid being hit on.

Hmm..I've had a lot of girlfriends including a few who approached me first, and NEVER, I repeat, NEVER did any of these 8 signals get displayed to me in my ENTIRE life, not by them and not by any other woman. Oh, wait ... I'm Aspie - - - how would I notice!! !!

just-me
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20 Sep 2009, 7:03 am

CleverKitten wrote:

I used to get alot of unwanted male attention, too. I think I am pretty average in appearance.

Less people will approach me if I am:

coughing, sniffling, sneezing alot. (even if I am just pretending)
holding a cell-phone to my ear and talking into it (The phone doesn't have to be on.)
reading a book or a newspaper.
wearing large over-the-ear headphones connected to a music player. (The music player does not have to be on.)
wearing "emo" makeup and clothes. (Those pants with chains on them, black lipstick, thick eyeliner, and some black swirlies or fake tears falling from the eyes...)
maintaining an angry, grumpy, ugly face. Look like you're really in a bad mood!
holding my head up high, my shoulders back and walking "with a purpose".
wearing the ugliest clothes imaginable and also wearing a scarf that covers my face.

Some of those methods are way less convenient than others, but they all worked for me! :lol:

These things are very helpful!
I love goth cloths but i don't own any. Is the makeup enough to keep them away?

"holding my head up high, my shoulders back and walking with a purpose"
I used to do this when i had higher self esteem. I'm working on building it back up again . I will try walking like this more often.

thanks for the good advice!

just-me
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20 Sep 2009, 7:05 am

Aimless wrote:

just-me wrote:

The problem is i worry I am misunderstanding there intentions, because sometimes it is very subtle.

Yeah, I was always afraid of embarrassing myself by incorrectly assuming I was being hit on. But now I figure if my self esteem is that low and I still think I'm being hit on, then I'm probably being hit on.

That's a very good point. I will try to remember that next time I'm in one of these situations.

just-me
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20 Sep 2009, 7:16 am

SINsister wrote:

Hmmm. A relatively-cute college-age gym member's been smiling at me a bit, lately; I smile back and act pleasant toward him because I have to (it's part of my job); it's kind of an excuse for me, I guess, because ordinarily, I wouldn't be able to look at him/look him in the eye/talk to him at all. Regardless, he doesn't actually talk to me, or "make a move," either. I have no idea what to think. I don't feel like making a right ass of myself by clumsily attempting to chat him up. I'm useless at that sort of thing, and I have no idea if he's even interested! He's probably just being polite. *Sigh* :roll:

I have some helpful tips if your interested.

I think you should talk to him as a friend first. *example* Talk to him, smile, see how he is doing more then the other people at the gym. If you can get a conversation going , ask him what sort of sports he enjoys or other things he might be interested in. Find things in common.

Over a few days or weeks see if you notice him wanting to talk to you more. If this occurs then you could start very subtle flirting. If he responds well to this then be a little more obvious over time and eventually you may get asked out or you could ask him out yourself.

just-me
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20 Sep 2009, 7:20 am

hartzofspace wrote:

I notice that a lot of Aspies give good eye contact when we are very interested, either in the person we are interacting with, or what they are talking about. And NTs use eye contact for everything.

Maybe this is part of it!!

I always give good eye contact to anyone I'm talking to, because i was taught it is rude not to. I didn't used to when i was younger but my babysitter drilled it into me as a child.

So perhaps i need to make less eye contact?

zombiecide
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20 Sep 2009, 7:40 am

just-me wrote:

"holding my head up high, my shoulders back and walking with a purpose"
I used to do this when i had higher self esteem. I'm working on building it back up again . I will try walking like this more often.

Recent psychology and millenia old Confucian theory says that your inner world will follow the form you put up. If you keep yourself like you had self-esteem, you will gain some. Maybe not that much, but enough not to act like a deer in the headlight in certain situations.

JessicaDayla
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20 Sep 2009, 8:11 am

just-me wrote:

Aimless wrote:

Maybe when you tell them you have a boyfriend you need to tell them more firmly. Let your tone of voice say 'END OF DISCUSSION'.

That is good advice. The problem is i worry I am misunderstanding there intentions, because sometimes it is very subtle.

Then take the subtlety out of it and be incredibly blunt in a way that shocks their ego.

hartzofspace
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20 Sep 2009, 2:29 pm

just-me wrote:

hartzofspace wrote:

I notice that a lot of Aspies give good eye contact when we are very interested, either in the person we are interacting with, or what they are talking about. And NTs use eye contact for everything.

Maybe this is part of it!!

Yes, maybe so. If some guy is talking to me that I am not interested in, I am openly Aspie; meaning that I allow myself to be distracted, look away while he is speaking, show restlessness, even glance at my watch. I practice short phrases, like "Well, I have to get going, see ya," or "Nice talking, gotta go." I run it all together so that is comes out sounding artificial and phony. Most NTs can see from this that you are not interested. Mostly, though, it's the poor eye contact.

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SINsister
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20 Sep 2009, 7:28 pm

just-me wrote:

I think you should talk to him as a friend first. *example* Talk to him, smile, see how he is doing more then the other people at the gym. If you can get a conversation going , ask him what sort of sports he enjoys or other things he might be interested in. Find things in common.

Over a few days or weeks see if you notice him wanting to talk to you more. If this occurs then you could start very subtle flirting. If he responds well to this then be a little more obvious over time and eventually you may get asked out or you could ask him out yourself.

I can't start conversations with men I find attractive, nor do I know anything about flirting in "real life." ;_;

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sartresue
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21 Sep 2009, 1:03 pm

sinsboldly wrote:

just-me wrote:

When i go out in public guys start talking to me and subtlety try to ask me out.
When i dress nice this problem grows to a massive problem. I have a boy friend and honestly i don't know how to get some of these men to leave me alone!
I mention i have a boyfriend but some of them wont go away. I have trouble being mean so i cant get them to leave me alone. I end up getting stressed by it.

My boyfriend says i get this attention cause I'm pretty and kind. I don't think I'm above average in looks and i just don't know why i get all this attention.
I think I'm missing some kind of social rule that prevents men from having an opportunity to hit on women.

How to i fix this?! any advice?

most women just get fat.
that usually stops it.

(sorry I can't be more positive about it)

I wasn't kidding, just-me. I wasn't being sarcastic or smart alec. Look around you, ask big women. Some will be honest about it. I am.

Merle

Not paying attention topic

I am not fat, but I am in my mid fifties and I am glad I am not an object of lust anymore.

Yay! Freedom! Just-me, time will tell. :cheers:

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SINsister
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21 Sep 2009, 1:07 pm

sartresue wrote:

I am not fat, but I am in my mid fifties and I am glad I am not an object of lust anymore.

Hmm. Personally, I'd rather be a has-been than a never-was. :cry:

EnglishInvader
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21 Sep 2009, 5:57 pm

I can relate to this problem. All my life, women have lusted after me. I protect myself from this harassment by not washing or shaving and wearing the same clothes for months at a time. I eschew deodorant and embrace bodily excretion in any shape or form. As a deterrent, it's highly effective and slightly more healthy than weight gain.

SINsister
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21 Sep 2009, 6:04 pm

EnglishInvader wrote:

...eschew...

Love that word!

\m/

Eschew obfuscation!

just-me
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22 Sep 2009, 8:41 pm

EnglishInvader wrote:

Actually Ive resorted to this. I only just started wearing deodorant again because the dirty looks i got from people were hurting my self esteem.

But it is effective.

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