Recently self-diagnosed 57 year old.

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A few months ago I heard a programme on the Radio 4 (UK) about women and Asperger's and the way it often goes undiagnosed because we are so good at covering our tracks. A lot of the things said made sense to me and I started to wonder about myself, my behavioural quirks and difficulties with socal situations and the way I've always felt myself to be on the outside looking in. I did a bit of internet research and then mentioned it to my husband but he didn't react one way or another. I kept on mulling it over and about a week ago I started reading up on it and now I'm pretty sure that I'm somewhere on the spectrum. I raised it with my husband again and he worried that perhaps I was just looking for a label somehow, but then I got a copy of Rudy Simone's book ('22 things a woman with Asperger's would like her partner to know') and suggested to my husband that he read that. Now he's convinced too! I'm 57 years old (a young 57!) and have two children who are both in their 30s and a granddaughter now aged 7. My daughter has, like me, often struggled with social situations. She used to use alcohol as a way of dealing with her lack of self-esteem and feeling anxious around people (as I did in my 20s and 30s). My son is, by contrast, very outgoing and sociable, but when he went to University a few years ago (as a mature student) they carried out an initail assessment as a result of which he was told that he had some kind of 'learning difficulty'. He was advised to go to student services for a more in-depth assessment and to see what help they could offer to support him in his studies. He only told me this months later and he never did go for an assessment although I tried to persuade him to, if only to see what support they could offer him (he was struggling with the course by this time). Of course he eventually just dropped out of the course.

Realising that I am probably have Aspergers myself has had two contrasting effects on me. Firstly I feel much less hard on myself than I have done before. For example, for the first time I can tell myself that I really did do my best as a parent. Secondly, I feel very alone with this knowledge - there is no-one really to talk it through with (when I talk to my husband I feel as though I'm monologuing and there isn't really much he can say).

I'm wondering whether to talk it through with my children, because obviously it has an impact on them and it may help my daughter too to think that she isn't just mad and weird after all. My grandaughter seems like a very sociable, outgoing person at the moment so I think that maybe she is unaffected (except in how she is affected by her mother's behaviour and coping strategies). I'm wondering what it was that the University identified in my son and if they did say more (that he was perhaps reluctant to tell me at the time).

I'm wondering too whether I should try for a diagnosis. I'm self-employed so it has no bearing on my work but I am also studying with the Open University and it may have an impact on what support they could give me. Maybe I would have someone at least to talk to about it.

So, any thoughts anyone? How do I raise it with my children? What about diagnosis? I live in West Yorkshire and have no idea what services here are like as regards referral and diagnosis for AS. Would it be worth trying to get a private diagnosis if all else fails? Should I pick that as a first resort?

Hi, Welcome to Wrong Planet.

I bet you have a lot to potentially contribute.

As far as telling your children that they might also be on the spectrum, I guess I would think in terms of under-selling and presenting it as a possibility.

I myself am self-diagnosed and am comfortable being self-diagnosed. Last semester--as an older student age 49!--a fellow student who has a physical disability offered to introduce me to the head of Student disABILITY Services. I took him up on the offer, but this head guy didn't know hardly anything about Asperger's-Autism Spectrum and didn't seem like he would be that helpful. So, I decided not to go through with the steps.

I really think the UK is about three years ahead of us here in the United States as far as autism self-advocacy and activism. But the beauty is, with the Internet, it may not take us three years to catch up!


PS If you feel comfortable sharing, I would be interested in knowing a little more about your self-employment, as this is something I am also potentially interested in.

PPS I'm a guy. I responded to this post from the main board without being aware it was on the Women's Duscussion board. I promise not to make a habit of this.

One of the dichotomies of being diagnosed, self or otherwise as something with potential anti-social ramifications is that talking to people helps. It helps one to see that they are not "the only one" who are the way they are. It takes a weight off of ones shoulders and you can learn new coping techniques and also share yours to help others.

Hi AnnaLu! Welcome to Wrong Planet. Check out the many interesting and helpful forums here. I too self diagnosed late in life. Because I am not seeking any gov or insurance funded treatment programs, I see no need to go for an official diagnosis. The personal research I have done made it quite clear that I have Asperger's Syndrome. I have almost all of the symptoms, and in all major categories. Only a few are needed to be considered to have the disorder. I follow the rule of duck. If it walks like a duck, looks like a duck, and quacks like a duck, it's a duck. I am an Aspie duck.

Like with you, finally learning what was wrong with me was a huge relief and load off my mind. I am not happy I have this disorder, but at least now I know why I am this way. Not knowing for 5+ decades made things even harder to bear. At least now I can compare notes with others on the spectrum, and learn more about the condition, and about treatments and coping methods that I have not yet tried.

You are among friends here at WP, so don't be a stranger!