Maternal instinct/drive

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One thing I have noticed about me is that although I really like children and get along with them really well, I do not have the overwhealming drive to ever have them as seen expressed in movies and television. I am relieved for myself as well as for the child that I seem to be incapable of producing...(i think I am infertile)....Anywhoo...what are other peoples takes on this...if you are a parent....did you really feel some sort of overwhealming need to reproduce?
If not a parent....do you feel some sorta drive towards this?..aversion?

I do not want to have children. My boyfriend/fiance understands this and wants to stay with me anyway, even though he would like children he said that I am more important to them than his desire to have children.

It's not the pregnancy, the labor, or even stinking diapers that repulses me from the idea, no matter how unpleasant those experiences may be. It is the fact that I do not want to RAISE a child. I don't think I am up for that job. What if after I have the child I do not want it there? You can't leave, you're stuck, you can't mess up. I don't want to be a mom who is not close to her kids, which I feel may happen with me. I don't want them to feel unloved. I don't want to take that chance. I am not good with kids. I don't understand how to play with them (heck, I couldn't play with other kids when I WAS a kid!) I am terrible at being a disciplinarian because most of the time I just DON'T CARE. I can't make myself care. And that's not an attitude that I should have with my own children. Some have told me that it will be different with my own children. But what if it is not? What if I am still not cut out for the job, if I still don't care? Most of the time I feel like I just don't "get it" with kids, the same way I don't "get" other social things, and having kids is going to have to be a very social experience. I am lost in the functions of the world as a whole, I can't afford to be lost when it comes to my kids. Therefore, I feel it is better for me to just not have any. Maybe some people just can't be parents...

I feel very comfortable in being a mother,we have 4 children . It brings a whole and balanced purpose to my life, and they are my world. Our 2nd oldest has autism and learning disabilities, which makes her all the more special to me. They are each my favorite, in their own ways.It is stressful, yes, but I make a routine of keeping organized,listening to their needs, always hugging them,letting them know how much they are loved.....

I spent most of my life not really wanting to be alive,so,reproducing,would be pretty hypocritical.I was also afraid of passing my depression onto another person.

I only had a brief desire to reproduce when I was involved with someone that I was obsessed with and I think I wanted a way to have a part of him with me,which I thankfully did not act on.

I would love to have a child if it was a kitten or puppy..... Thats a commitment I am able to make but there are so many abandoned animals that need homes that it is more responsible to adopt.

I dont think my functional level is high enough to take care of a child.I am to selfish and to tired,to preoccupied by my own interests.I also a mother who was very strict and tend to feel the need to control which I think caused me a lot of pain as a kid and I dont want to do that to a child....Not having a kid was the best decission I have ever made and I have no regrets.

I want children. I'd have ten if me and my future wife can't keep our paws off each other. xD

Even though I love playing with my baby nieces and nephews, I don't think I'll ever become a mother. I can barely take care of myself, let alone another person.

I never wanted to have kids, it just never occurred to me. I've got two now, and there are some days when it's very hard for me. Being able to spend weeks at a time staying up late, eating chocolate bars for every meal, and reading a never ending succession of books is, of necessity, a thing of the past. When I really feel the need to be isolated with a few good books, my kids sort of understand, and they seem to spend more time playing independently. When I come back out of my coccoon, they're always ready for intense Mommy time. I love my kids, I love being a mom, but it isn't easy. Particularly if you have Aspie traits (I don't have a diagnosis, but my oldest daughter, "mini-me", does) like I do. Those times when you just want to shrink into yourself and shut out the world can be really trying because you can't do it.

I've always known I would have kids. My life just wouldn't have felt complete without them, but I can understand/respect people not wanting/needing them.

I did have a problem obsessing over each one of my new babies. I wanted to shut out the world even more, and focus 100% on the baby. Having to deal with other issues/people depressed me to no end. I'm sure post-partum depression played a part in it, but it wasn't exactly like that, since those mothers have thoughts about harming their babies. My thoughts were all about loving the baby, but being depressed by anything that didn't have to do with it. It took me a little over two years to snap out of it, after the birth of my youngest. The depression was so extreme, last time, that I can't see myself going through it again.

Not a parent, and have made sure I won't be. Aversion is the word-absolute in my dislike of children (infant-thru 18 years), plus my mind is unwilling to have my body inhabited & hurt (which is what pregnancy & childbirth are to me). No offense meant to anyone else-I'm resolute in my choices & speak only for self.

Right-I don't want to make that irrevocable decision that creates another creature/lifeform, with all the commitment that follows.

I wouldn't dare make decisions for another person, and have to be responsible (legally or morally) for the results/outcome/consequences.

Me too. Hey, at least I know my limits, compared with other people-whoever they are-that don't or can't keep themselves out of trouble-however you define it. Not against other people being parents-I don't want to be a parent nor would I be any good at it.
I don't drive at all. Why ? Because I'm terrible at it & I couldn't live with the disaster if something went wrong. Similar pattern/reasoning/phobias as my refusal to procreate/populate.

I feel much towards animals-my cat provokes/evokes in me the goofy behaviors & feelings that other people usually save (but gush forth upon being presented with one) for babies. My reaction is "get that away from me", towards young humans-I'm female, which does not automatically make me "into" that family culture.
Anyway, I look at my cat & say "oh, you're just so cute !" & have emotions and thoughts like "wish I could understand what she wants or needs right now-food, brush, catnip, water, etc. ?". So I can understand where that sort of response comes from, just in relation to a different species. Can't look at sad shelter ads in paper or on tv abou animals because I get utterly upset-unable to distance/detach. Aaargh.

I have zero maternal instinct or drive. I'm not a nurturing person at all. I never wanted kids even as a kid and I lived for the moment I could permanently put a halt to that option. My mother was the same way and let her father force her into a marriage and motherhood she didn't want. We paid the price. Since I also had none of those feelings, I made absolutely sure there wasn't even a scare. I'm perfectly comfortable with that decision. It was actually one of the best I ever made.

This is probably the only web site I could ever post my poem without being flamed fr being an insensitive unfemales....It's a bit dark but hope I dont offend those who do choose to be parents,it is just a reflection on my own choice.....

Reflex Not Reflection

They all have dreams of flesh that bleed
Nightmare for me in caverns breed
And if they mate,what shall be born
An incarnation of hope forlorn

You know,you, with your averted eyes
A thing of flesh that screams and crys
you can not plant without a seed
it takes root in empty need

this thing of flesh that bleeds and breeds
this thing you hope will spout your creeds

How shocked they are,as things transpire
expel the beast in bloody fire
feed and hold and gently rock
wipe its nose,pull up its socks

teach it to read and keep it from harm
smile at your likeness,laugh at its charm....
How shocked the day they face its scorn
it's hate for them,that it was born

this thing they made that bleeds and breeds
this thing they made that loathes their creeds




I think it is mostly a reflection of my own dislike of being a physical being,born into a physical world.Also,I think it was resentment of my parents(who adopted me)wanting me to be like them and being such a different person(what a disappointment for them)

Last edited by krex on 01 May 2007, 12:49 am, edited 1 time in total.

Maternal instinct? What's this maternal instinct you speak of?

Thanks for the beautiful poem, krex...

I think I have the desire to get married and have children...
But I don't think I am ready for it right away...
I would like to give birth to a child...because it seems to be a precious experience both on the physical and spiritual level...
I think my idea of giving birth is not rooted in reality and is a kind of groundless, abstract notion...

I feel that this world is not a good place to be...
And life is not easy...
If a child has to go through what I went through or the miseries that I have heard of, I would feel guilty giving birth to it.
I would feel sorry and guilty to bring someone like me into this world...

If I ever have children, it will be based on the faith in the beyond, because I sense there is something that is beyond my perception about this world...

I was worried, when I had my 1rst child, that I wouldn't feel any kind of motherly instinct or intuition. However, I did end up feeling a very strong, almost neurotic protectiveness of him, and then of my subsequent children. And I do sometimes sense things in them others do not. One of my daughters was very sick last fall, and my husband initially dismissed it, but I suddenly heard this roaring voice in me to "take her to the ER!! !! !!" I did, and it turns out she was in dire need of medical attention. It saved her life.

For those of you who think you could never love a child, but who love your cats: trust me, if you can love a cat, you can love a child. It's the same thing! Even stronger, in fact.

I so agree with you on that... I felt the same way before I had my sons and I didn't think I could have that intuition or instinct and the first test of it was having my oldest son in the NICU at 4 days of age after stopping breathing and all. I was in a panic when they said 1/2 an hour I'd get to see him once he was settled in NICU and it was 3 hours before I saw him. I was ready to rip heads off.

That was certainly not true of my mother and her family and peers insisted on the same thing. She has no feelings for us whatsoever except resentment. We paid the price of that, not her. I would never take a chance like that with another human being.

Just saying you shouldn't assume that will certainly happen to another because it happened to you.