I want a baby but not Autistic baby

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Joe, the world is changing [because of Autistics standing up to change it] and your kids will not have to go through what we have.

This is very true.

Sorry, it's just a shorter word to say whilst explaining things, because when I say ''condition'' I mean anything, not just ASDs. I don't like to call it ''disability'' because some people here seem to think that ASDs is not a disability, and I don't like to call it ''disease'' because it is not a disease, so I just say ''condition'' or ''disorder''.

I was thinking of adopting, but then someone said that you can't pick your own name, and I don't want those common names what everybody's calling their kids these days, like Alfie and Bernard and Romeo and all those sorts of names.

If having a child on the spectrum is no different or no harder than an NT child, then how come there are loads of websites and books and stuff about Autistic children and how to bring them up and so on? I'd rather my child to fall into the ''normal'' category and just buy books what the majority of parents buy, like ''how to bring up a child''.

When people talk about their grown-up kids, they don't need much additional information, they're just like ''yeah, my oldest works at a beauty place, my middle one hasn't got a job at the moment but is sharing a flat with some mates and is looking for one, and my youngest has just got promoted in her job and she can now afford to go to Australia with her mates....'' And yes everyone has quirks and everybody's different in their own way and have their own personality traits and some may be more sensitive than others and stuff, but generally if an NT child was brought up in a decent household by decent parents and have no mental or emotional or physical disorders then they generally get on, find jobs, have mates, move out, find a partner, get married, then finally have kids of their own (not saying ALL NTs achieve ALL of those). And I'm not saying NO Aspies achieve NONE of those, but an Aspie is MORE LIKELY to struggle with achieving these, and cause a worry to their parents even when they're way into adulthood. Can somebody else post here who agrees with me so that you can write a better post than me, since I really can't explain myself properly and somebody else might put their feelings about this into better words. Thanks.

I have to say when I read the OP, I can't help but think of the term "designer babies".... AS is very challenging, but it is not something to label along with Down Syndrome... a disorder that not only carries an extra chromosome, but also has other serious comorbid conditions including congenital heart conditions, respiratory issues, cognitive issues, and so on. In other words, these are potentially life-threatening conditions that cannot be compared to AS. I think it's comparing apples to oranges. I agree that there is a genetic consult that could be helpful for a lot of reasons and I would encourage it to almost any couple who wish to marry and have a family. To think that there could be a definitive test that could reveal whether an unborn child has AS or not is just spine-chilling. Don't get me wrong, I am very experienced in the heartbreak of having the diagnosis given to my son - and I am also very aware of the tough social situations I have experienced myself. I assure you that the heartbreak ebbs and flows like most life experiences in general. I cannot think of my son being any other way now that I have had him in my life for so long. I will tell you that even though I accept him and love him unconditionally (as a parent should), I see him dealing with his father's inability to accept him. It drives my son away from his father and it hurts his well-being to the point that he ruminates on the fact that his father does not treat him well (I'm divorced by the way). I see the damage that he suffers because one parent is conditional with his love. If you are thinking of bringing a child into this world with a conditional love, then I am afraid that I would have to advise you to think about it because the romantic idea of having a NT is not without heartbreak either. I don't think I could handle a NT at this point especially when I hear of how my brother and sister-in-law are dealing with their NT teenagers. Babies grow up and they turn into people with their own feelings and opinions. Having a baby comes with a lot of responsibility and I would love to hear that when you do have your baby, that you will love it with all your heart regardless of diagnosis. I am sure you will make a great parent eventually. I cannot deny that I have had the thoughts of what it would like to have a NT kid at one time or another, but we all seem to want what we are not. NT's have challenges and issues too. I love my son exactly the way he was given to me and I am rewarded more than not for being his mother. Best of luck and please don't view this as a criticizing comment. I think it's best if you consider each and every possibility of the situation.

forgot to mention that my son is in mainstream classes, high honors, and wishes to attend engineering school for civil engineering. I know he will do it too. He is very smart and very self sufficient and very lovable as far as his personality. I think I've done something right as a parent. hopefully, you will find the same motivation and inspiration in your child as I do in mine.

I think it's how the world takes ''normality'' for granted so much. I hated growing up in a world with people being afraid of someone who's a bit different, and I hated not being socially accepted through school. I don't want my kid to have to go through the same thing.

My boyfriend has 3 NT kids, all teenagers. He is rather shy and not too bright, and his kid's mum isn't the brightest or even nicest of people either (she cheated on him then left him with the kids for a while), but all three of his kids seem to be full of confidence. His oldest has moved out already and is in a job that she loves and is training up to be a manager because she is very socially skilled and is confident about being in a high job. His youngest is still at school but she is rather intelligent and wants to study beauty and fashion, and she has lots of friends and all the boys after her. The middle one may be my boyfriend's main worry, because he has just left school but is not doing anything except hanging around with his friends and asking my boyfriend for money to go out. But he is only 16, and is emotionally a typical teenager (often grumpy to his parents), and although he seems to have no intention of getting into college or getting a job, he's only a child still and will most probably change in a few years. But I know my boyfriend takes for granted that his kids are ''normal''. He's never had to deal with the s**t my mum had to deal with me when I was growing up. I had no friends as a teenager, I was failing all my grades, and I was just unhappy with my life and was lonely and miserable. When I was a younger child my mum and dad had to have several meetings at the school to see what was wrong with me and what help I needed, and it was all a stressful time. My mum's siblings didn't have any of this s**t with their kids - because they were all NTs.

See, when I say ''I don't want a child with emotional/physical/intellectual problems'', I don't mean ''I want an NT child because NT children are perfect and I will be problem-free''. I do not mean that AT ALL. All decent parents worry about their kids, and all kids bring problems. It's all part of being a parent and a family. But I'd still rather a (physically able) kid with normal social skills, can fit in with his or her peers, goes to birthday parties, is socially accepted, all that sort of thing. I wish at least one person here knew how I feel about this.

Joe99 I think you have some very valid points and I can honestly see your concerns. I see my son struggling social-wise in some situations and it's hard to see him when he realizes he is "different". No mother wants to see their children have those experiences. School can be a painful experience in general.

I am an autistic mother of three children, two of them are autistic and one is not. I am grateful for them all and all of them are pretty happy kids. I don't regret having them one bit.


Everything changes after you have your child, at least for me it did. It gave me a whole new perspective on things.

But with that said have you ever thought of adoption, so many kids and babies need homes and love.

Hi Joe90,

I think it's great that you are reflecting so much on this question that's arisen for you.

Something that flags up for me, when I read your comments, is that perhaps your concerns are some kind of 'transference' from your own experience as a child/teenager? As in you are repeating your Mother's patterns (or another Role model? (m/f)). It's just a suggestion, but perhaps you're drawing upon learnt beliefs/patterns from your Mother, for example, and her approach to Motherhood/her perception of you. It can be a real challenge to break toxic inherited patterns of behaviour, especially guilt, I can totally relate to that!

You've said you've always felt guilty about the way you behaved with your own Mother when younger, feeling unsupported at School, and you mention some possible challenges your Mother experienced too; ... maybe have a think about what reference do you have to draw upon regarding Parenting/Life choices, now that you are experiencing the desire to become a Mother yourself.

I'd say your confusion around this subject is understandable, it sounds as if you have no one else to turn to, to talk this over with. I feel, to bring a child into this world is SUCH an important decision to be making, ... would you consider having Counselling? Some GP Surgeries can offer this for free, depending on where you live.

I don't know how much involvement you have with the care of your Boyfriend's children/teens, but it sounds as if you have a bit of a 'practice run' there in front of you, or just an opportunity to observe/decide how happy they are day to day.

My own opinion on the subject of abortion/tests to discover if a child will inherit/develop Autism, and on this thread generally, is that there is no way I would consider testing for anything along these lines (just my opinion remember). I actually LOVE all things Autistic, and agree with another poster (correct term??) that Autism is just a different way of experiencing and seeing Life - and who's to say what is 'Normal' anyway?

At the end of the day, you can only do what is right for you - and, you may not feel this to be true - but only you know what is right for you. It is something that requires a lot of consideration, I feel, and perhaps the fact you are here asking these questions may in fact answer many of them.

I personally feel that it sounds as if you're not ready for Motherhood at the moment, (again just my opinion based on what you've written) but I do admire that you really want any potential future child(ren) to be happy in life, and I feel this comes across strongly in your own words.

Zazzy

Even though you can have an NT child (a child with no neurological differences or disabilities) with other problems that can cause distress and all of that, there is still something just different about having a child on the spectrum (or with any other neurological differences). My boyfriend has just told me that his youngest now has a date. Yes I know Aspies have dates too and other good things that happen, as I know that because I am in a loving relationship and I'm an Aspie, but it's just that most NT parents with NT children, (including my boyfriend), take for granted that their children are ''normal'' (or NT, for those that find ''normal'' too generalized). and don't have to think about all this ''my child has a disability'' stuff.
That is, until an NT parent's NT child suddenly....becomes non-NT overnight - or so it seems. That is exactly what happened to me anyway. As a baby I developed typically and showed no peculiar signs of an ASD or any other differences. I even socially interacted well with other young children of my age. So of course my parents took it for granted that I was ''normal'', and so obviously put me into mainstream school along with all the other children. Then that was when s**t hit the fan. On my first day of school (when I was 4) I displayed behaviour that was not me, and it caused major concern for teachers right away, and my parents were called and they got accused of child abuse because of my sudden behaviour, which frightened my parents because they did not abuse me in any way. Then after a few years of the stress of getting me through all these assessments and everything, we all discovered that my behaviour was from being frightened of school, apparently. So there you have it.

So supposing one of my boyfriend's children (God forbid), suddenly got something like Bipolar, or got severely injured in a car accident causing brain damage, or anything like that what changed them mentally, I bet that would hit him hard because he's obviously so used to just bringing up NT children with no Autistic-ness or other disabilities/differences, that he's just took it for granted that they are ''normal''. Do you see what I mean?

OK, I hope I don't sound too harsh on my boyfriend, as I love him so much. I just get a bit bitter when people have NT children because I feel sorry for my mum for the stress I caused her what no other parent in our family had to deal with because their kids started school normally without no hassle. But I love my boyfriend and I like his kids whoever they are, so I am not putting anybody down.

Oh, actually, I don't think my boyfriend is 100% ''lucky'' actually. OK he may have 3 confident, good-looking, happy children, he did have a child that died of cot death years and years ago. I bet that was awful for him at the time, and he still feels sad every time he passes the graveyard where she was buried. He might have felt a little bitter of his friends who didn't have to suffer through the heartache of the death of a baby. I know his children are all healthy and all survived well and he loves them like anything, it's still a horrible experience to have your baby die. My mum never lost a child before, even though she suffered the stress of bringing up a problem child.

So every time I feel bitter about having a neurological difference, I just think of other pains people have suffered in their lives, and I feel for them. I feel like I've just found an epiphany actually. Maybe it's from reading all the posts in this thread, that could have inspired me to suddenly think that there are other bad things that happen to other people's children other than having an ASD. Thanks, guys.

I also dont think it's ok to abort a baby because the baby has no choice. and I wouldnt be alive either if my mother had chosen to abort me. For someone who's afraid to have an autistic baby, adoption might be an option.

The only thing with adoption is, you can't choose the child's name.

There are so many unwanted kids in the world and I think it's better if a baby is aborted than abandoned and neglected and growing up to be f****d up or living through hell from abuse because they were never wanted so they were mistreated. I have heard how unwanted kids are handled in foreign countries and they never get adopted and they usually end up in prison as adults or in institutions where they get neglected and mistreated. Why do people even have kids and then abandon them? Most of them don't even get adopted so this is why I believe in abortion. I personally wouldn't let myself get pregnant so I use things like IUD or condoms. I got an IUD so I don't have to worry about any other form of birth control.

Another thing about adoption is you don't know the child's history like if the kid was ever abused or neglected or what the mother did while she was pregnant like if she did drugs. From what I have read about adoption, it seems like the kid always has more issues than other kids who are your own, especially if they are special needs so they are always a Chuckie, a danger to the family and parents fear for their lives and their other kids' but there have been some success stories where a parent would just adopt and the kid turns out fine and has no problems so it can work out. I knew some kids who were adopted and they were all normal. But I still think adoption is risky and you have a higher chance of having a kid with problems than with your own. Also you can change your kid's name because I once met a mother when I was a kid and she flew to China just to pick up her baby she was adopting and she changed his name to Ian from his Chinese name he had. I think everyone should do some research on adoption first and look into it before doing it. I suspect lot of people who adopt from overseas don't know what they are getting into so they end up with a kid with RAD and therapies for them usually make them worse because there is not much support for these children and families get so desperate for their safety they end up abandoning them or sending them back to their home country and some get lucky when they do find someone who knows how to handle RAD and treat it but they have to give up their adoption rights for their child so that kid can live with that person. I remember reading about that one mom who sent her kid back to Russia and they left out lot of facts like he had RAD and he had threatened to burn down the house, the parents spend over $20,000 in therapy trying to help him, they had to lock everything away that can be used as a weapon and the kid has threatened to harm them and there was another story about a Ohio couple getting 6 months in jail and a $1,000 fine for dropping their 9 year old off at social services and they have also tried helping that child too and he was also adopted from a foreign country. Every time I hear about a couple sending their adoptive child back to their home country or giving them to anyone or abandoning them, I always think the kid was violent and the family feared for their safety than assuming they were just lazy people and the kid wasn't perfect and they didn't want to spend any money on any treatment or deal with his problems. I am sure there have been people that gave their kid up for this reason. So before you adopt, look into it first. I decided adoption wouldn't be for me because of this, same as for being a foster parent.

You can name an adopted baby, but if you get an older child who already knows their name it isn't advisable to change it.

I don't know what previous posters are talking about, but there are no genetic tests to detect an autistic child in utero. Also, the research is not yet complete enough for anyone to say that autism isn't inherited. The genetics of autism are very complex and scientists don't completely understand it yet. However, it is obvious that particularly Asperger's runs in certain families, and there are studies happening right now that are testing the genetics in these families. And certain forms of autism are not genetic, but just show up randomly in the population - at least that is the current understanding, which is just hitting the tip of the iceberg right now.

My husband and I are both either undiagnosed or borderline Aspies. We have people in our family on both sides with depression, anxiety, OCD, and Aspergers traits. We have three children, and the oldest boy has Aspergers. My middle child, a girl, is extremely social and NT. My baby is too young to know for sure, but so far he seems typical. They all have sensory issues, different types and degrees.

I will tell you that it is a lot easier to have a typical baby and toddler. Having a baby at all is very hard even for an NT person, so for someone on the spectrum it is pretty intense. When you add a baby who has colic, who will not sleep, and who pretty much responds differently to just about everything than every parenting book says they will - it can be very, very hard. It's not bad, it's just hard. Having my NT daughter, and now second son, is easy in comparison (though it's obviously still pretty hard just having a child). When they talk about social development in children with ASD's being impaired, we tend to think of this in terms of socializing with their peers. But really it shows up in the interactions between mother and baby and between father and baby. Infants are very difficult little beings to be responsible for, and they are evolution programs them to endear us to them in order to survive. When baby has eye contact with mom, and responds to her subtle communications, etc. this endears us to baby and we feel loving feelings toward them even when they are being very difficult to love. But when you have an ASD infant, a lot of that will not occur as frequently or at all, and everything that evolution prepared us for to respond and love this infant isn't quite clicking right. It does click, don't get me wrong, but it is hard, hard work. It doesn't come about easily and effortlessly like it does with typical children. When my daughter was an infant I constantly talked about how delightful she was. I just couldn't get over the ease of our interactions together.

However, as my children get older, my NT daughter becomes more bewildering for me and more difficult to relate to or understand. My ASD son responds to everything in the same way that me or his dad do. It's predictable, it makes sense, and I know how to deal with it or what to do to help him. My NT child needs more socialization, and this is draining for me. It's tough setting up playdates and dealing with the other moms. It's tough going out to the store just because she is bored and needs it, but knowing it will wear me out and be a sensory overload.

Both of my older children are very smart (the baby is yet to be seen) but in different ways. My ASD child is pretty brilliant in science, but struggles with many other subjects. He struggles with handwriting, he had a hard time learning to read (though now he is grade levels ahead), and so he is "gifted" but not in the typical way. He doesn't test as "gifted", but luckily his school provides those services for him anyway. My daughter on the other hand is smart across the board, and all subjects seem to come easily to her. She can already draw and write really well at only 4 years old. She isn't "brilliant" in any specific area, but all around pretty smart. So again, the ASD child is more of a challenge to meet his needs, but it isn't bad - it's really exciting to see him so passionate about things. But that doesn't translate to him being smart in a school setting, whereas with my daughter it does.

We haven't had any issues with bullying or not being able to make friends. There are lots of quirky kids out there and unlike when I grew up it is respectable to be a "nerd". My son hangs out with a group of kids that call themselves "the nerds". Also, early intervention works really well for social skills. Social skills need to be taught, and when I was growing up they were not taught to me. I am still impaired in that area, but my son was specifically taught social skills as a preschooler and now in his elementary school by the social worker. Having access to these services is just amazing for these kids. I wish I could live my life over again with access to services that would have helped me in so many ways.

Anyway, the bottom line is that you are right, a child with ASD is a lot more work and a lot harder to raise. You will still love them just as much, and be just as proud of them as they grow, but every step of the way will require active involvement and hard work from you. Though the research is not complete, there is a strong likelihood that some forms of autism are inheritable, so your chances of having an autistic child are likely higher than the general population. However, no one understands how high at this point. If you do not want to raise a child with autism then do not have a child because at this point in time there is no prenatal testing to determine that.

Also, don't let anyone tell you that not wanting to raise a child with ASD has anything to do with how you feel about yourself or them as individuals with autism. You are not making a choice or judgement here about a child that already exists, you are deciding whether you want to have a child at all. And you get to decide that, for any reason whatsoever, that you don't want to sign up for the whole parenting thing. You get to make those choices because this is your life, and this will affect the rest of your life.

The reason why I'm convinced that ASDs are genetic is because most parents on the spectrum here seem to have at least 1 child on the spectrum, more so than parents on the spectrum with no children on the spectrum.

I'm glad the poster above this one understands what I mean. Ok NT children have their own unique or awkward ways and could be a handful in their own way, but because most people take for granted that their children will develop socially, physically and intellectually at roughly the average stages, it just makes having a disabled child or ASD child more difficult that what it might really be.