I'm unsure of myself

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I don't know if i want to have children and I'm scared to tell my husband that. I'm still young but I don't feel the desire to have children when I'm older. People have lived without children but I feel like my family would pressure me into it and I would feel trapped. I don't want to sound selfish but I like my life the way it is but I want to make my husband happy. Can someone please help me figure this out or talk with me? I feel trapped and like I'm going to have an anxiety attack.

Do not have a child for anyone but yourself.
You'll be the one taking care of it -- not the ones pressuring you.

I have 4 birds, and for an aspie with sensory issues (especially to sound)
I want to kill them sometimes, constant noise can be more than overbearing...
it can depression / constant anxiety inducing (lowering the quality of your life).
I never want children unless I have a huge mansion (so their rooms are far away
from me) and a 24/7 nanny to tend to them.

My advice is, if you have ANY doubts, don't have kids yet.
Once you have a kid, you have to stop being one, and what fun is that? @.@

Please don't let the people in your life pressure you into having children if that isn't what you want. There is absolutely nothing selfish or wrong about not wanting kids, and anyone who tells you otherwise is full of s**t. There are few mistakes that can have more unpleasant collateral damage than having unwanted children. It's suspected that the advent of legal abortions in America is one of the main things that has contributed to the drop in crime rates in the last few decades--this is because unwanted children grow up to be very unhappy adults, so the fewer unwanted children that are brought into the world is better not just for the families involved but for the rest of society as well. If you don't want kids don't have them, and don't let anyone make you feel bad for making that perfectly reasonable choice.

Ummmm didn't you discuss this with your husband before you got married?

first of all, do not have a child unless you really want to. Being a mom is so hard. Pregnancy is hard, birth is hard and parenting is hard. I really wanted my kids and sometimes that's all that keeps me going on the bad days. Also consider, if you are on the spectrum your child may be on the spectrum too and believe me spectrum mum + spectrum child does not make for an easy life (I am living the dream...) .

BUT also be prepared for some fallout from your husband. If he really wants kids, he might chose to leave your marriage to pursue that with someone else and I feel he'd be justified in doing that. it wouldn't be fair for you to deny him the opportunity to ever have kids of his own, just like it's not fair for him to ask you to have kids if you don't want to.

A successful marriage is based on a shared vision for the future. You may honestly have to let him go for both of your sakes if you do not have a shared vision with regards to kids.

This is a tough situation, good luck.

Considering that legalized abortion has been around for only 42 years, it's kind of ridiculous to say that a drop in crime rate would be related. That only has really affected one generation so far (mine) and that generation is just 42 now. That leaves only 14 years of "adulthood" to see a trend. Fourteen years? That is barely enough time to even *notice* a trend such as a drop in crime rate, nevermind being able to specifically correlate it to anything. Whoever said that legalized abortion has contributed to a drop in crime rate is just making stuff up to justify legalized abortion. I'm not saying that is is untrue, just that it is impossible *at this point in time* to make any reasonable conclusions based on any statistics.

People are very selfish creatures. I'm not saying this is a bad thing - it is just natural. It is what they are. It is what I am, what you are. People can only think of others' feelings to the extent in which they have experience.

In other words, your family and husband don't know what it is like to live in your world, let alone having a baby in it too.

Take for instance, sensory issues. Even the members of my family who try to understand - I have to remind them, sometimes on a daily basis, of my sensory issues... and how what's seemingly slightly less comfortable for them is extremely uncomfortable for me, and often takes over my everyday functioning.

..The more uncomfortable I get, the more energy it takes for me to interact with others, and do daily chores.

..Then it takes even more energy to avoid a meltdown, every day when I'm particularly bad.

...Add overload to that, and it takes a lot of energy for me to keep going, or even look after myself - the basics.

..Add a screaming child to that, and...ouch. Can't deal.

...I hate children. I really can't stand them ever since school. I've even set my own curfews in the recent past just to avoid them.

My family *knows* all of this. And yet they've encouraged me to have a child of my own. What were they thinking? I've managed to convince them (for now) that it's a terrible idea. They acted like it was a real shame and now they're not talking about it anymore (again, for now!).

I have been coming to a standstill almost everyday since the incident with my neighbours (another story). How does my family think I would have coped if I'd have had a baby?

It's like the deal with my sister. No matter what nasty things she's said, when she's triggered most meltdowns of mine growing up, when she's teased me constantly, when she's threatened me, when she's wished death on me and other family members, when she's made me feel suicidal because of the horrible things she says...my parents WILL encourage me to talk to her again. Do you see the logic my family has in other issues? There isn't any. What makes them so right about encouraging me to have a baby?

Also when I've been in less-than-ideal relationships, when the man was doing what he wanted and I ended up ending the relationship...my family encouraged me to stay with them. They weren't thinking of what was best for me. They just wanted me to stay with those men just because *they* liked them.

My point is, parents are illogical. Family are illogical. They don't take your health, your circumstances, your mental health, your ASD, sensory issues, etc. etc. into consideration. They don't take what YOU want into consideration.

Life is hard enough without having to look after another person. Who would be looking after this baby? Words are easy to say for them. It wouldn't be them staying up day and night to look after this person. It would be you.

Although my examples above don't entirely relate, the point I'm trying to drive home is that family may want you to florish, do well, etc. But, they still don't consider how massive an impact a baby would have on your life. Not just your family, but your husband too.

I'll echo Purrbaby and say you and your husband need to start discussing this now, and keep talking about it until you're both ok with the decision you finally make together. It feels scary because you haven't started the conversation, and the longer you put it off, the more this will build up. Sit him down at a time when there are no distractions, when you're both rested and feeling well, and start talking. Expect that there will probably be more than one conversation about it before you both settle on an agreeable compromise - because that is what will happen, unless he feels exactly the same as you do about this.

On a personal note: I wanted kids, my ex didn't. We waited way too long to talk seriously about it, and that is one reason that he is now my ex. Although we are good friends now, it was a long and painful 5 years from the breakup to get back to a good place with each other.

Don't. Wait.

I would agree, to make such a drastic claim as our crime rate is dropping because more people are murdering babies is a real stretch. Crime rate has dropped according to numbers. But this must be balanced by how significantly the population number has increased overall. As one number statistically increases, the rate and % will naturally go down as a result. That's one thing to consider.

Also, take into account better technology, education, etc. and also maybe more police don't care, or they let people get away with more. Maybe criminals have gotten smarter when it comes to hiding their dirty deed.

There's so many other variables, that to even suggest abortion as a reason is really grasping at straws. And yes, it seems to be a futile attempt to justify abortion.

To answer the original poster, children can be a wonderful blessing, and are also a lot of hard work to raise and care for. Neither are bad things in and of themselves.

Some parents are not ready, but end up with no regrets. It is good that your decision NOT be forced upon you, though. Forcing someone to be one way or the other, or to make such a decision will make the outcome more unbearable.

Who knows, though, you may find within a year that your mindset changes, or not. Just keep an open mind and heart, and be honest with your spouse whatever your feelings.

Abortion doesn't murder anyone. The fact that you think so lets me know not to take you seriously.

Well, you can think what you want. My personal belief is that a baby or fetus inside the womb is still an individual person, albeit dependent on their mother for nutrition and incubational development.

Keep in mind that I have not intellectually ostracized you for your belief. Nor do I personally look down on you for your belief or disagreement. I used to hold the same view as yourself.

Here is something to consider. The mama and her unborn baby can have 2 different blood types which are lethal if mixed: http://doctor.ndtv.com/faq/ndtv/fid/366 ... rents.html

http://articles.mercola.com/sites/artic ... types.aspx

Here's another article : http://www.whattoexpect.com/pregnancy/f ... us-system/

Even if you don't respect my belief, this is really an interesting and very fascinating article that you might enjoy.

I am not reading any of your garbage. I was raped when I was 18 and had a pregnancy scare--I don't know what I would have done if I had ended up being pregnant and abortion wasn't available as an option because of people like you who think you have the right to dictate what happens inside my body.

You have my deepest sympathies. No one should ever be treated like you were. I hope that the person who hurt you is brought to justice.

But you'd be cool with me being forced to carry his seed inside my body until it turned into a person and i birthed it because BABY MURDER! shove your patronising crap where the sun don't shine.

You are jumping to conclusions to say I'd be "cool" with the scenario you describe. I am not "cool" with people suffering for horrible crimes committed against them.

I am actually rather ambivalent (undecided) on the issue of abortion for rape victims. I can see and understand 2 different sides of the issue.

What I disagree with is people undergoing abortions any time they choose as last ditch effort to not let parents find out, for instance, because someone decided to sleep around before they were ready for the responsibility of a child.

But real issues like rape for instance, my mind is personally divided. And I can sympathize because I know if I were to have no choice but to give birth to the child of my rapist... it would definitely involve much suffering and pain, physically and emotionally.

Also, I do not dictate what you choose to do, nor do I have any interest in doing so. I am a human with my own beliefs, views and experiences. Will you despise and shun me for that? Or will you try to show me your side of the issue? There is no need for hostility here. I am not shutting you down.

As for patronizing, I never really understood what that word really means. I really do sympathize for you. That is genuine and sincere. If you choose not to believe that, it is your choice.

Whatever the case, I wish you well.

Then it's a good thing you don't get to decide what I do with my own body.