Worried about boyfriend's girl best friend

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I've been going out with my wonderful boyfriend for a year and a half now. He has a best friend who is a girl, and all the friends he feels any way close to are girls which I'm perfectly ok with (he says guys don't talk on personal stuff very easily and he prefers girls because of this), but that jealous best friend has caused trouble since we got together and still does!

When we first got together, it was at the college ball, and she was there. Her first reaction was to get snappy and angry with me on the night, while constantly moping and looking for sympathetic attention from him. Fair enough, she was jealous and she needed time to adjust to this new change in her best buddy's life. Her next trick was to start meeting up with him as often as possible and as far from my place as possible so that he'd have to stay over at hers or so that he'd be ages traveling etc. and she gave me the silent treatment, and also started showing more and more physical affection to him in front of me. I told him that she was being nasty to me since we got together and he wouldn't believe me, but I kept saying it whenever it was bothering me because it would do no good to hide it. He eventually sort-of believed me and said he'd talk to her for me and she denied it. I got him to talk to her again and she just said that she hadn't time for anyone because it was her final year of college. I was frustrated that he continued to believe her over me but I stuck to my word and I said that that was no fair excuse when getting a "hello" in return or returning a smile or a wave while passing in the hallways is not particularly time-consuming.

That summer he went to America for two and a half months. I was so sad without him, stuck at home with my parents and a waitressing job that wreaked havoc on my health. But I wouldn't dare stop him doing what he wants and patiently waited for him to return at the end. We could only talk via internet until his last two weeks there but we made the most of it. However, so did she. The best friend started putting messages on his Facebook profile saying "I love you" and "There is no-one like you" etc. He did not remove them and I got upset and told him that he should tell her that these were wrong and that it was not fair that I should have to see that. He said he'd talk to her and emailed her about them. I also mentioned to him that it had gone to the point that I was not the only one noticing and that there were friends of ours sending me concerned emails (one of whom sent him an email about it too). The best friend sent me a text - and this is the part that thoroughly disgusts and insults me and other people who know what sexual abuse is like - saying very casually that she'd only put those messages there because she'd been "nearly raped". Firstly - WHAT THE HELL has being "nearly raped" got to do with plastering "I love you" messages all over someone's page since BEFORE the incident could possibly have occurred? I don't even have words to describe how sickened I was with this text. It went on and on about how she and he were "really close" etc. and just throws in rape there as an excuse for pathetic jealous behaviour!

Three times in total did I end up telling my boyfriend to put an end to this rubbish. I had been so incredibly mature and patient with that woman since the beginning and here she was doing everything in her power to sabotage our relationship, and I truly felt like he was doing damn all about it (no doubt believing her unconditionally again - or because of her bullying him into believing her, she's very mean to him sometimes for a "best friend"), so I got very angry towards the end of it. He finally called me and told me he'd deal with it. She punished him for not being a good enough friend to him instead of being mature and accepting that she'd done wrong. Like a softie, he then apologized to HER!! ! She did stop putting that crap on his page and kissing his face in front of me and so on, but that was when she got a boyfriend of her own and was probably afraid to do such things where he could see.

She has never admitted fault for what she did. She acts as though she is perfect and she punishes him and other people or even objects for anything she does wrong. She goes through phases quite frequently during which she challenges her friendship with him (???) by tricking him with words, sending him on guilt trips etc. and never apologizes. Now, a year and a half into our relationship, she still blanks me and ignores me and tries to make me jealous by spending time with my best friend when I'm meant to be (he's not stupid though and it's an insult to him that she does that). Why on Earth is he still friends with her? I'm worried that she just bullies him into being friends... I have seen how down he gets when she's messing with him and how she can drain him. The one and only time I went to lunch with the two of them, we loosely held hands across the table on the side furthest from her (at the end of the meal) thinking that it would be the most considerate thing, and she snapped at him straight away, so we're actually not allowed to touch each other in front of her in spite of how kissy and cuddly she had always been with him in front of me. Oh and she had spent the entire lunchtime talking about her reproductive organs, probably trying to weird me out but of course failing miserably because I just went with it.

So basically, I'm worried that she's nothing but trouble, that she's really bullying and manipulating him into being her friend, and, judging by the fact that she's still really cold to me, that one day she's going to come up with another big scheme to come between us. She seems really powerful over him - even yelled at him in front of me about how he should spend his money (gladly he stuck to his own choice on that one!) - and, of course, disrespectful. I can't help worrying about him, regardless of the stupid things that she tries with me. Should I bring up the subject of the jealous best friend yet again? Or should I just let her carry on with her stupid behaviour and just be vigilant for major trouble?

Sorry it's such a long post. Any advice much appreciated.

Most of my (few) friends have been guys and I was ALWAYS respectful of relationship boundaries and never stood in the way of them their relationships with their girlfriends.

I always made it clear that their girlfriends were always invited to come with us wherever we were going and I insisted to my friend they put their girlfriends first.

This girl has got some issues...maybe she wishes she was more than friends with your boyfriend. Girls can get stuck in the friend zone too.

Your boyfriend only has so much control over the one's around him. They may have had some heated conversations about her behavior, for all you know.

Let me ask you, does he reasonably put your needs first? If not, I'd probably tell him I didn't think the relationship was working out.

Sounds like fatal attraction. I don't want to come off blaming your bf, I hardly know him or what's going on but he needs to respect your feelings as well. It's understandable for couples to get jealous over the opposite sex (or same sex) whenever there is a close relationship between the said friend of partner. However based on what you said, she's obviously coming off more like a lover to him than a friend. My only concern from your story thus far is your bf which is the someone you should put your main focus on. I would think once she started saying "I love you" and putting a kissy or whatever on his facebook, he'd get it. Not many platonic friendships will go in that deep based on my limited experiences. I'm not assuming your bf is into this girl but if he is that powerless over her then you definitely got a problem. It's great that for once he stood up to her but it's a bit hard for me to accept that he's like a borg being controlled by a fembot. In order for you 2 to have a mature relationship, he needs to also be upfront and honest with you. You can't do all the work for him.

However...... I know based on my friendships how I attracted controlling people. It was not easy for me to stand up to them. She may have an extreme depressions or personality disorder of some kind. It seems she grew attached to him in friendship and had feelings for him. I don't know but he also needs to bare some responsibility unless she's using a knife on him.

Other than that, I'm not sure how I would deal with it if I were in your shoes. It sounds like your under a lot of stress and if you have AS it can a lot to the stress. It sounds like you've done the right thing in being in forward and honest with him. If you're really afraid of losing him over this girl then perhaps it is best that you 2 to move on (easier said than done). I think we females tend to be more competitive with eachother than the opposite sex. She's obviously got feelings for him and she's very jealous of you. Try to weigh it out and see what happens and be as assertive as you have been. In the long run only time and actions can tell.

Thanks for responses guys... From talking to him about it again last night, he seems to want to put her feelings at the same rank as mine. He says he's been trying to avoid a her-or-me situation all along, so I take it from that that he just wants to gloss over the problems she's been causing all this time and trying to keep peace where there is none. He was passive about it when she blamed me once for something she was doing to me, didn't say who he believed and he keeps trying to be on both sides. I'm getting annoyed with how he's dealing (or not dealing) with it. He wants to pretend that there's nothing wrong and he wants to keep her happy and he even hinted towards a possibility that I'm wrong when I'm absolutely not! She is very controlling from how I've seen her treat him in other situations, and I know that she could easily manipulate him into thinking he's wrong and he'll back down and maybe even agree with her if she suggests that I'm wrong. I can't say anything to her myself as she's avoiding me etc., so it's in his hands to communicate with her and in my hands to get him to do the right thing. I think maybe I should ask more specific questions even if it sounds like I'm challenging him, just to find out exactly who's feelings he's most concerned with and what went wrong when he tried to deal with it before. I'll also point out to him that I've had to stand up to strong friends before and the real friends are the ones who took it as me being mature and standing up for my boundaries, while the not-so-serious friends would leave the friendship.
I'm sickened by the things she's done and I'm insulted by the fact that he's even suggesting that there are two sides to it i.e. that I might have done something "without realizing it". I have been so carefully nice to her and monitored my own behaviour so well that I made sure that I never did wrong. My relationship with him is strong, and I don't believe at all that she's going to succeed in breaking us up, as that's the only likely thing she wants, but she's causing me stress and hurt and I should not have had to put up with that for as long as this, so if I will stand my ground.

Give him an ultimatum. Her or you.
You don't deserve this s**t, and if hes too weak to stand up for you, he does not deserve you.
The time to be nice is over. Shes screwed up mentally. You don't need it in your life. And its not your fault.

Maybe if you walk out on him he will believe this sh*t is real.

How much do you love him? I need to know so we can help you make the right decision.

I sort of agree with Hale Bopp. In that you should maybe tell him (and mean it!) that you are thinking of taking a break from the relationship. This will give him time to get his priorities straight. Sometimes passive men like that need to get a wake up call! Decide how long of a break. Maybe tell him you are giving him space to set his priorities. If he drifts along, letting this ninnie control him, maybe it's time to say goodbye. Painful, I know. And very hard to do. But by your taking a step back, maybe he will be forced to take a look at this situation, and realize he could very well lose you.

As for your rival, I've seen her kind in action before. He was only friendship material, until you came along. Then, her ego took a blow. She figured, Why should you have him? He was already friends with her, why not take it to the next level with her, instead of looking elsewhere? What a biotch!

I love him very deeply. I don't want to lose him. I've never met anyone like him in my life and he's been the most amazing support to me in every other aspect of my life apart from dealing with that crazy woman. I talked to him about it for ages last night and have made absolutely sure he knows the seriousness of the situation. I warned him that he may have to choose between the two of us. I warned him of as many of the possible ways I could think of that she could screw with him to make him believe I'm wrong in stopping her, like pointing out the time she lied that it was me not her, and pointing out that I've seen how controlling she can be or tries to be, and as many other things I could think of. I'm keeping an eye out for how she's treating my best friend, as when I first got with my boyfriend, she started trying to make me jealous of my best friend and she seems to be trying that again (not with any success).

I also asked him questions about what was done to deal with it last time so we could discuss what went wrong. For now, he's waiting until he meets her in person to talk about it... but I don't know how that'll work as the only place they ever meet is in a café round the corner, guess I should make a mental note to tell him not to tackle the issue in a public place because he'll have to be polite and have good public manners etc. which would result in having to be passive, while trying to avoid all the college friends who show up in there... Better ask him to bring her over to ours for a "chat" and if he wants me to be there or not I don't mind, as long as it gets resolved...

Keep us posted!

^these. QFT.

sounds like you are on your way to getting this resolved.

i've had some very rocky times with my husband (we broke up 8 times before we got married), and one of the issues has always been the female friends. well, sort of. because, in my perspective, it has very little to do with the female friend, and very much to do with the male in the middle.

everybody wants to be desired. your man is in a position where he is desired by two women - one serious girlfriend and one serious friend. you both lavish attention on him, support him, listen to him, do activities with him, give him physical affection, and get jealous over him. honestly, there is only one person happy with this situation... and it is him. neither you nor the other girl are getting all of what you want.

for a man in his position, it is like a delicate dance to maintain this balance, and sometimes the equilibrium is disrupted and he gets called to task for the situation. up until now, he was not going to change because he didn't have to. he could balance his relationships with the two of you just enough to keep you appeased.

i've been in the same situation as you, and a couple of things worked eventually. i broke up with him at the times i could not handle it anymore, in order to give us space. but finally, i accepted that my man was in love with 2 women (not necessarily in the same way) and decided on my plan of action based on that.

the funny part is that once i had accepted the situation and embraced it for what it was, they turned kinda cold on each other... as long as their friendship was sorta taboo or forbidden by me, it was more attractive to them.... but when i openly accepted it, they began to stop idealizing each other... problem solved.

If you love him its probably not a good idea to threaten to leave. But it's very important that he begins to grow a pair and take this seriously.

I accepted it from the beginning, but I've become fed up of her treating me like I've wronged her in some way when in fact I've been nothing but kind and, if anything, encouraging to her and their relationship since before we began going out! I accepted that he has friends, almost all of whom are female, and that he needs them no less than I need my own friends. The problem isn't that I'm jealous of her. I have nothing to be jealous of, especially when he stopped her from being all cuddley and physical with him when I told him how very unfair it felt to me and how disrespectful it was to our relationship. She could perhaps be angry that she can't be physical with him now, but she has her own boyfriend who should be satisfying those needs. If he's not, that's their own problem and it's not fair to take it out on our relationship. And besides, as I say, it's been a year and a half now so it's her problem for not having moved on at this stage.

The only goal I can imagine she has by being cold and distant and blatantly ignoring me is that I'll get fed up of keeping the kindness flowing from my side and instead, sink to her level, giving her opportunity to point the finger at me and twist the story around. I am getting exhausted by it. I'm tired of treading so carefully around her. I'm sick of the fact that I can't make one mistake and not bother making the effort one day to be friendly and kind to her because I just know that I'll be hurt in return. It shouldn't be like this and I didn't do anything to deserve this vicious circle she's put me in. I just want her to stop doing that. I just want to be friends with her or at least not have any stupid rivalry going on, because it's immature and pointless. I'm confident in my relationship with my boyfriend and I know damn well he'd never leave me for her. But I don't like that he has to stand up to her, who's supposed to be his best friend, because she's being an idiot. All I want is her to stop treating me, and hence the relationship he has with me, so disrespectfully and unfairly. He hasn't yet spoken to her about all this, but I guess he's gearing himself up for it. He will have to meet with her at some point though, being friends and all. I hope it gets resolved... I don't want a mess for him. Fingers crossed she'll cop the hell on...

That's not fair! You're his girlfriend for god's sake. If he wants to treat you both the same, then he should let you be a friend too so you can go off and find a guy who does think you come first.

I think it's time for an ultimatum to be honest.

Although, if you have any single male friends, I suggest either setting her up with him (or try giving your boyfriend a taste of his own medicine and spend more time with your friend; caveat- may backfire)

Oh yeah. and you could try going on the charm offensive; be extra incredibly soppy towards him when she's there and kiss him all the time, PDA's etc; make it clear, he's yours.

Ok so he talked to her today, not for very long, only met her for about half an hour, and when he came back he just kept smiling and saying it was all ok etc. I couldn't help being suspicious because he wouldn't tell me about their talk. I did consider that he may have had a lot to take in by talking about it and so I gave him time, thinking he might settle into talking about it in a little while. But he said nothing and I started asking questions and he kept saying everything was fine and smiling, and eventually I got details out of him. Surprise surprise, she had decided to lie again. Apparently the blatantly obvious blanking was "accidental". I'm so annoyed that she continues to lie, and that he continues to believe her! But on the other hand, he says that she said she was sorry and that it shouldn't happen again. Ultimately, my goal here is for peace with her and our relationship and no stupid childish rivalries going on. But I know for absolute certain now that she is not to be trusted and I will need to still be careful around her or else she'll turn something against me. I have some concerns about him being so very willing to believe her side of the story, but then he did hide that until I weaseled it out of him. I didn't take it lightly and made it clear that I was upset that she had lied again. "Accidental" silent treatment?? Only adds insult to injury

Anyway, that's the update, and I know it probably seems silly that I'm posting it here, but really it helps to keep me calm and it's great to see responses from you people because it reminds me that plenty of other people go through this and resolve it in various different ways depending on their circumstances. Does anyone have ideas as to what this woman is trying to achieve exactly? I mean, she has her own boyfriend so it's hardly likely that she fancies him, and I've never stopped them from hanging out as friends, so it's hardly revenge...? I don't know what to make of it and if I just understood then I might be able to get to the bottom of everything much faster...

it's not silly at all... in fact, thank you for coming back. we honestly do care (as much as strangers on the internet can care, but you know what i mean). so often people post a thread about a difficulty they are experiencin, then nobody hears anything about it again, so it's hard to have a real dialogue.

i don't know what she is getting out of it, at all. for some girls, one guy at theit beck and call is not enough. and her boyfriend might just be a backup just-in-case she doesn't manage to snare your boyfriend.

but... it could also be that she is extremely protective of him, like a sister or a mom would be. maybe she tries to take responsibility for his well-being, and has unfairly painted you as No Good. just like the perspective of an overprotective sister, maybe no girl will ever be good enough for him in her eyes.

it is really good that he talked to you about it, and that he told you what she said. i was worried he would never take care of the situation at all. but he did!

That's the impression I'm getting. Your boyfriend's not the only one who likes to juggle two 'partners'; she's doing exactly the same to her poor boyfriend (wonder what he thinks of the whole thing!).

What she wants is to break you up and get his full attention basically. Whether she wants to date him or not, wanting his attention doesn't mean she has to be his GF. She doesn't like sharing him with others.

I don't know if hes worth dating personally, but if you love him things are a lot more complicated.