Why do women love abusive men

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Wow, LeagueGirl, I always considered you to be a very very strong woman, and it is quite a shock to read that even you have been abused. I am so glad that you got out and moved on... good for you !

But you bring up a very good point - we need to learn and teach our sisters / daughters / nieces what to look for in a suitor or potential suitor, to avoid becoming victims of abuse / domestic violence.

Some red flags that I have noticed over the years (not an exhaustive list and somethings may be inaccurate, as I am not an expert, these are all based on my experience) :

1. Glib and superficial charm, and moves too fast / comes on too strong. For example, tells you on the first date that he's in love. Yeah, right. If he follows this up with sending flowers to your home the next day, that "intense love" is a good sign that he just handed you a nice red flag. Fast in, fast out.

2. His first date stories about himself involve a crazy ex, and how he hopes that you aren't like her. Chances are, several months down the line, you'll be the one that he's referring to when he's talking about a "crazy ex".

3. Tells you casually that he has a temper or a drinking problem, but he's getting it under control. Yeah.. sure.

4. He considers aggression as "normal behaviour", or how he can understand why Ray Rice criminally assaulted Janay Palmer who he married 6 weeks after the incident (RUN to the nearest exit).

5. He is rude / abusive to the waiter / maid / shop assistant etc. This is a pretty good sign that he will abuse someone whom he perceives is of a "lower status" than he is. In all possibility, he will consider YOU to be of lower status in the relationship, and how he treats the waiter is a pretty good preview of how he will - if you get together - eventually treat you.

6. He seems to think that the best way to settle scores is via a good old fashioned duel. If this attitude is paired with a fully-loaded gun collection at home, pitbull-rottweiler mixes, and a penchant of putting holes in walls using his fists, you have been warned.

7. He dislikes your family and your friends, and want you to have nothing to do with them. (HUGE HUGE HUGE RED FLAG - Abusers will try to isolate victims from supportive individuals who can prevent any abuse from occurring. While it is normal to not like one or two of your friends or family members, expecting you to cut them all off and to have no friend or family save himself is a pretty good indication that he does not mean well at all).

8. Playing hot and playing cold. I actually have experienced this, and let me tell you - when they play cold, you drop them like a hot potato and disappear on them. This is a very passive-aggressive tactic of keeping you on your toes, and "second-guessing" your relationship. It is a form of EMOTIONAL ABUSE, and it is used coldly with the intention to create doubt, frustration and fear that the relationship may end (especially if the abuser detects that you are now really emotionally invested in the relationship). You may be confused and hurt at first, but you eventually will start normalizing this behaviour (especially if you bought the BS from "Men are from Mars and Women are from Venus" that men need to "pull back" from relationships at times). No, they don't, not unless they are into mind-games and manipulations with their partners.

9. Criticizing you, your way of dressing, your way of talking, your appearances and your challenges. This is also mental / emotional abuse, done with the sole intent of ruining your self-esteem and undermining your self-confidence, so that you will stay and take more abuse, and never leave even though you can and should. NEXT !

10. He actually does hit you or name-calls you. Run, run, run - don't look back and tell every girl in a 100-mile radius to stay away from him.

Good luck !

--Or the one who's charming and helpfull to everyone exept you.
But. Because. You!! Don't do this right, you give him headeaches & children. He never wanted to know about anything contraceptionwise but it's your fault and that bleeding's disgusting too! I don't think it's a choice, but a disposition, so it returns in every relation.
The run-solution as mentioned isn't one & it's very annoying that it gets pointed out everytime by conversation-skilled persons that all can be overcome in this way succesfully.
Nothing's for free, there's always a cost and when you're at rockbottom that's just an open invitation for those who want to believe they're good people to add and tie you to their obliged. But don't do anything yourself or the shame-pitt is waiting!

???

The above list is for women just starting a relationship, on what red flags to look for before committing to that relationship. It has nothing to do with marriages or long-term partnerships. As mentioned above, once committed, it is quite difficult to leave (especially if children are in the mix) unless you have a good source of income, a stable career and a very supportive family or circle of friends.

And, if you do leave (even without any of these in place), then that's your right to self-preserve. Why would anyone toss you in a shame-pit for wanting to escape an abusive relationship ?

Messed up wiring in those women. Not much you can do but avoid 'em like the plague.

Being autistic might prevent having those assets, and peer-women seems to be very hard on how you present.
Isn't this a topic for autistic women, no??? On an autists forum?

Why do men love abusive women? Because you realise that happens too, right?

This thread should be called "Why do some people love abusive people?" to reflect reality and not be sexist. It's not just women who end up in abusive relationships. Men can be the victims of inter-relationship/domestic abuse, too, and it's important we recognise that because there are men out there who need help and support and there is a certain amount of (sexist) social stigma still in regards to male victims of sexual violence and abuse, and we need to get rid of that stigma so more men can be helped. No one deserves to be abused, and both men and women sometimes find themselves in abusive relationships (because abusers often hide their abusive behaviour until they are already in a committed relationship with their victim, they are not often violent or abusive from the start) and need help.

These women love them because they falsely believe they will change. Or some claim to love them out of fear of saying words or doing things and as a result the abusive man comes after them to cause physical harm.

it's the biggest and most nauseating talk-show cliche ever - a woman doesn't want to leave an abusive man because "she loves him".

That makes me sometimes believe that other women must be really stupid, but that would make it sound like they deserve the abuse, which they certainly do not. No one does.

I think the biggest reasons women stay in an abusive relationship are because:

-She thinks she can change him. But no can make him change but himself, and only if he really wants to.

-She is afraid to be alone, and would rather get bad attention rather than none at all. I especially don't get this. Being alone and feeling safe and peaceful is a trillion times better than living with someone where the smallest things, like putting too much sugar in their coffee, could make them beat you to a pulp. Also they can
perfectly make their own coffee.

-She was raised in a household where domestic violence was a regular thing, and believes that this is how it's supposed to be.

-she is afraid that if she does leave him, he will hunt her down and maybe even kill her. The sad and scary thing is, she's probably right about that. Unless she gets the right kind of help.

-After the violent episode, he may act very sorry and try to "make up" for what he did by being all sweet and charming, even offering her gifts or treats. This is a vicious cycle that repeats itself and gets worse each time. The violent part I mean, not the making up part. It's also very sickening to watch them do this, especially when it works.

More reasons why they stay:

The man has full control over the finances and the woman has no access to her money

The man has taken her car or has tampered with it to keep it from running

He has threatened to kill her if she leaves him or has threatened to take the kids from her

The man has manipulated the whole family making them believe the woman is crazy and now they won't even talk to her or help her and won't believe a word she says because the man has told so many lies about her to her family

The man has manipulated all their friends and everyone around them making them think the woman is crazy

Emotional blackmail, the man will threaten to harm himself or kill himself if she leaves him. I think this takes a lot of guts and courage to not give a s**t what they do to themselves and not feel any guilt when a woman does leave him because she wouldn't be responsible for his choice of suicide

Or how about he threatens to harm the kids if she leaves him so the woman stays for the sake of her kids so they won't be harmed and just as long as she is there, the kids won't get any of the abuse, only her



There are crazy people out there and sadly they can do this especially if they are psychopaths or narcissists. It's all about control and they can use their kids to control the woman and use money and they find ways to keep her from leaving. It's all about control.

I keep getting the impression that people think abusive relationships are always horror stories, that there couldn't possibly be anything good in it that would compel someone to want to stay. Kind of like it's an all or nothing thing where the relationship is either good or bad with nothing in between. Or that the woman must be totally dependent on the man, and/or too scared or brainwashed to leave.

I think more often there really is, or was, something positive and valuable in the relationship the person doesn't want to lose if they walk away.

Yes it is true there are abusers who have good things in them because I don't know how many times I have seen women say online how much of an ass their partner is and then they back peddle saying how wonderful they are. Parents do the same thing about their children who are abusive. First they will say bad things about them saying how abusive they are and how badly they treat others and their siblings and then they back peddle.

That's pretty much what happened in my case even with the genders reversed. A number of women in my family also did the same thing (dare I say my other Mother included) so that where the template came from.

Abuse happens in a cycle. After an outburst of abuse, the abuser enters a reconciliatory phase. He/she apologizes, offers gifts, promises to change, blames other people for the abuse, etc. After that phase comes a time of mounting tension in which the abuser nitpicks and criticizes, and the abused person attempts to please and calm the abuser. Finally, the abuser lashes out again.

Yikes. It's confronting to see one of my exes personality and behaviour reflected in some of these points. The problem is, often some of these things aren't revealed until after you've become attached and invested. On top of that, I'm a bad judge of character.

Emotion and excitement, Women crave emotion, "Would you like a cup of tea dear" isn't going to get a Woman's heart racing, being with somebody who might snap at any minute is permanent excitement, and the best part of breaking up is when you are making up means its so nice when he says he is sorry and is nice to you after having just punched you in the face.

As for sex, that fear of a violent man gets the heart beating, https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Misattribution_of_arousalcan feel like love which maybe explains orgasm during rape. http://www.popsci.com/science/article/2013-05/science-arousal-during-rape or could be plain masochism.

Misattribution of arousal means that a person psychologically misinterprets the physiological symptoms of fear, anxiety, exertion, etc. as a romantic attraction. One conclusion of those experiments was that a person can *think* they feel sexually aroused when they actually are not.

When orgasm happens during rape, the victim actually *is* sexually aroused on a physical level, against their will. This is part of why rape is so intensely violating, because the victim's body has a physiological response that they don't want to have.

Like the popular science article said:



It sounded like you were implying that women have orgasm during rape because they think they are in love with their rapist. The fear the victim feels can physiologically contribute to orgasm. But that doesn't mean that it feels like love, or that the feeling of love is required for orgasm.

Masochism means that a person gets psychological gratification out of being abused or humiliated. Physical gratification or orgasm does not equate to psychological gratification. Having an orgasm during rape doesn't mean that the victim wants to have an orgasm in that manner, or feels psychologically gratified by it. Again, that's why it is so violating. A masochist might seek orgasm through a rape fantasy or enactment, but that isn't the same as experiencing an actual rape.