AS Women and Relationships

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Yeah, that could be partly it- (extension of masturbatory practices). Some of it might also be what you mentioned earlier too, that people don´t think much outside the mainstream; so if your sensory problem is not "normal", it will be disregarded. I´ve sometimes wondered if a diagnosis helps to get people to listen, and take problems seriously; though judging from what I´ve read here on Wrong Planet, it sounds like it often doesn´t help much either.

re: diagnosis and its impact on how one's sensory issues are respected and perceived. Definitely my experience. Before iw as a nutcase and was weird and controlling. now i just have AS.
got to go. too much stuff on today to be on WP. But i wanted to check in on one of my favourite threads.

I´ve been reading the book "Loving Mr. Spock"- a book written by an NT woman, about a relationship with an AS boyfriend. In it, she mentions his need to decompress at times and be away from people- something I´m sure we can all understand!- but that reminded me of another secondary problem I often had. After having a few stressful lovers, who wanted too much from me, I started to find that I was naturally more attracted to men who were somewhat "distant". I think it was a reaction to my earlier love affairs; I guess I hoped that I would have more space, and that the relationships would be easier to deal with. Though this decision was somewhat subconscious, I think I also thought that it was a wise thing to do. I thought that if I found a man who was less possessive, and who gave me some space, that the relationship should work because I was engaging with someone who had a personality that was more similar to mine...(at the time I knew nothing about AS or NT, or differences in brain wiring, so I thought all I had to do was find someone with the "right personality"). What I didn´t count on was that many of these "distant" men are not just that way because they are more like me, but because they hate women- (even though they desire them at the same time). They often don´t trust women, or have some kind of unresolved issues with them. Unfortunately, I got involved in a few of these abusive-type relationships where I was "the enemy". A lot of people have psychological problems! I could never see these things coming, because of course they always started out fine in the beginning, or seemed to. I realize now that probably it´s rare to find a healthy NT man who allows that much freedom. (Though I´m sure not impossible). It´s just a difference in brain wiring, and expectations.

Yes, there can be a price to pay being with someone who prefers a more distant relationship. The one who gave me the most distance (an ocean's worth) turned out to have been severely neglected by his father after the death of his mother when he was 12. He was very guarded and would alternately proclaim love and completely neglect the relationship. There were other distant ones; it was usually a sign they weren't very interested and didn't want to admit it.

Regarding diagnosis helping others to take problems more seriously: that can be the case, definitely. However, it takes quite a lot of effort to educate them about the issues.

I'm currently in what might best be described as a "martian"/"non-martian" relationship. (I'm the weird one!).
Now we have both done a bit of research, things are working out better. He understands that I am "different", and is starting to realise what needs to be changed/explained in detail etc.
There will always be some awkward bits, there's nothing that can be done about some issues, but in some cases it may work out quite well. I'm not expected to understand the emotional stuff, and he tries to find ways of explaining that make sense to me.
This setup may not last forever, that's the concern. If one of us finds someone else that they really want to be with, the adjustment is going to be...interesting....
Most guys do not seem willing to make this kind of effort.

I am definitely the distant one in relationships AFTER the courtship phase. It is farily well documented - the As courting scenario and then the great deflation once the relationship is sealed> my relationship with my ex was like that,. I learned all the scripts and even wore skirts.

i reverted to the reality of who i am once he moved in.
I discussed this today with my AS psych. And i even said that i do not even know if it matters WHO i love - as people are like objects. ( a simile that was in fact described as psychopathy in another thread on WP yesterday!! )
I really do just want someone to be there- a kind of parallel mode of living. Within the family unit i have existed as a kind of sub-section - part of the whole but clearly walled off - with my own room iwth single bed, my own objects in that room, my own studio and my own routines. I struggle to do anything for anyone else - not because i am selfish - but because i am so self-absorbed. I actually like it this way.

I have had the experience of what may be loving someone for who they are - but this has been complicated by distance and virtual relating. And i suspect this particular mututal love is fed by our mirroring of each other - so it is very narcissisitc and yet completley fantastic because there is a mutual understanding of autism. By social standards it would probably be considered amoral. So i love someone for who they are because they are ME! that is the reality for me and it makes sense. It is about mutual valuing of each other. I think it makes sense to me because we are both autistic. the screen thing is great for sex. no sensory issues! very advanced. we autistics are lucky to be born in this age and not some other. we could be languishing on The Ship OF Fools or locked up in some new fandangled Benthamite prison. Instead, we post on threads on WP, relate with each other through analytical discussion and some have virtual relationships that make sense because there is no proximity.


give me objects and lots of them. then i am happy.

Morgana, I'm wondering if - if it could be acceptable to you - if some kind of agreed polyamorous relationship could be the way to go. It seems to me that there might be less intensity and demands on each person for the simple reason that there were more than two people involved and therefore each had more 'options', perhaps turning to different partners for different things. If Person B is Person A's only partner, then B is going to have to provide everything they want from a relationship, but if C and D get involved as well, that pressure may be off. I would have difficulty tolerating it personally, but I know it works for some.

The 'space' issue is the same for me, only even more exaggerated. It sounds terribly selfish, but I couldn't cope with the constant intrusion and demands; always having to check with somebody else before I made a move, never being able to just disappear into my mind for a few hours or days because someone around me had a constant need for attention - not just speaking to them, but emotional attention, needing me to be 'in the moment' with them.

There's something about relating to other autistics that I can't quite articulate--the quality of communication with them. The communication with them, which has mostly been here, has had more depth to it than with others I've met in my life. I've met an autistic woman and have spoken online to a couple of others, and there's an attraction I feel for some that I don't for other women; I was wondering whether it was some form of narcissism: with the one I met in person, we hit it off immediately and were laughing and had the same mannerisms and body-language. Like a mirror.

I experience this a great deal with my more ASish partner. It is one of the reasons I can't quit him..we merge together and mirror each other and it is too much like he is a part of me...Though it is scary sometimes...I don't want to hurt my other relationship..and I have a hard time suppressing my feelings..and um..my other partner is a lot more emotionally stable. Spending time with my very AS-ish partner, I see window in to how my much of my negative behavior feels and appears to other people...that is pretty interesting...

well...it is interesting to consider? and because of the narcissism is it of any 'lesser value?" i don' think so. BUt it is a different kind of relating. And it may not be along the lines of typical relating? I am guessing there.
And as Poopy mentions - the mirroring can work in many ways - so one can get an insight into some forms of more difficult behaviours. that has not actually come up in my case but I am sure it could.

As for relating with others on WP - ofr me it is very much about quality and the realitythat some of the women here share a level of intensity and analysis i enjoy. i am not a science based autistic/aspie and i am not talking abot the need for adherence to all sorts of stats and studies. It is more the capacity to think deeply - to be a kindo fmantal archaeologist - to moved down through various stratas of consideration and come back out with a fe littel jewles of information that sparkle.
That is how this thread is for me - ----- IT is very gratifying and it gives me a deep sense of identification -somwthing i have struggled to find my whole life.

We are both very childlike and can become very confused and irrational when stressed and have meltdowns/throw tantrums. Luckily it seldom happens at the same time, and when i am around him I feel more stable and mature and in control of myself...and am less prone to act this way in front of him...but I know to expect it from him and they will be directed at me because I am there...Sometimes when he is raging around all melty like and acting angry...he will say.."I don't want to be seen right now..just pretend I am not here"...and so i tell him that I can't see him and sit quietly and wait for it to pass..

I am prone to act this way towards Flakey and he, being the more stable one expects to have to take it from me..but he still doesn't like it...when one little thing will hit me the wrong way and cause me to start yelling.

I can't really control my mood swings when they hit...I wish I could do better at it..they are pretty irrational spells...but I can look at it more objectively when I am placed in Flakey's shoes.

i relate VERY VERY much to this and the issue of acting out/meltdowns with no control. it has been the hardest thing to contend with in relation to other people. My ex and my son live with it and i go from naught to meltdown in a second and it is veryhard.
It feels so overwhelming when it happens.

My relationship with my ex - who i occasionally have sex with - and who is a dear and loyal friend to me - has this same element you outline. It would be interesting if he were autistic as well, so i could get a glimpse of the behaviours being mirrored back on occasion. But he is the epitome of emotional sameness.

I have often wondered what i would look like in a meltdown. all i know is i suspect i look as my mum looked to me in childhood - which was full-on. She is undx'ed AS and had lots of meltdowns with 8 kids and no husband there. When that happened i kind of just lived in my own zone - a bubble - sealed off while others were buzzing around it --- a but like Poopy describes - sitting on the bed. I didn;t really feel much - although i gauged from siblings i was SUPPOSED to feel distress and panic. I just watched. always at the edge, silent and watching those things. I wonder if i would do that with a partner these days. i hope so, as it sounds like a very respectful way to deal with it. a really good way. and a fair way. i like th sounds of it.

I have thought about this too. I was never in such a relationship because the men I was with seemed to specifically want (and expect) a "normal", conventional relationship, so I tended to follow along. I notice that relationships with men are very hard for me, and take a lot of energy; one is hard enough- I don´t know if I could deal with two! In addition, it´s very difficult for me to meet people and get to that point- due to lack of social skills, I imagine- so I would probably only find myself with 1 man at a time. So if only the man were polygamous, but not me, I don´t think I´d like that too much...it wouldn´t seem "fair". I´ve thought for awhile that the best solution for me would be to have a wonderful friendship relationship, with sex. In fact, I read on the internet about men with AS who were in relationships with women- their best friends- where they saw them once a week, and lived apart. That sounds good to me, as I find it hard to live with someone too...(so yeah, I understand EXACTLY what you mean about the space issue too! I don´t like to be bothered at certain times). I like living alone, and having only myself to answer to- (and I find I have MUCH less overall stress in general). Living with someone in a relationship setting is much harder than having a roommate (though I´ve never lived with a man for more than a month, and even that I could barely deal with).

Well, yeah...sigh...I have come up with so many ideas about what type of situation would be good for me, but alas! It´s hard for me to find the right, unconventional man to understand me. I don´t know what it is, but the most conventional and typical men seem to be drawn to me. What´s worse, they expect me to act conventional and typical, then get upset if I don´t...it´s just disaster all around. I think men are also usually less flexible about these sorts of things than women are anyway.

That sounds absolutely perfect to me - just, in my case, minus the sex as well! I don't know what it is. I can most definitely experience aesthetic and emotional attractions to men... in fact, I'd go so far as to say that it is a physical attraction, yet it's never accompanied by actual sexual arousal, and I never have any desire to have sex or am able to see what I would really gain out of doing so. So I sort of end up with this incredibly strong urge of the mind and heart that doesn't have a specific goal in the same way that it would in someone desiring a sexual relationship, because it's not connected to sex for me.



It always puzzles me a bit how most men complain a lot about women's ways, but if the woman behaves less typically feminine, and more neutral or masculine, they don't usually like that either.

I totally agree with you! This intensity and analysis is something I enjoy very much also. In fact, I spend much of my day thinking about this type of thing anyway...

It´s great having people to relate to, and discuss these issues with. I love reading the feedback of other people. I think about WP a lot, or about something someone said, even when I´m not online. And it inspires me in my own thinking process, if that makes any sense...sort of like an ongoing, continuous conversation of our thoughts and analysis.

Anyway, in regards to what you were saying about people being a mirror for each other, or possible narcissism; my guess is that all love relationships are that way anyway. I think it´s just easier for NT people to find someone who is "like" them and can mirror them well, because there are more of them. It´s a question of probability, the odds are better. That may have been partly what many of our struggles were about, 2 people who were just too different to mesh well. It´s easier to feel empathy- (i.e., theory of mind)- for someone who is more like us.

You are SO right! I´ve noticed this too, and often wondered about it.

I finally decided it must not be meant to be taken literally. Men must secretly like these things, even though they complain about them outwardly. But that was one thing I noticed about men...they tend to be very contrary. They often say the exact opposite of what they really mean. Another problem I had in my relationships...