What's the right answer to "how are you?"

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It's probably "I'm fine. How are you?" or something more casual depending on the question whether it be "How are you?" or "What's up?" or other questions of that sort.

Although that might be the correct response I rarely follow it through. Mostly, I'll think for some seconds before I answer...and either I'll answer with "okay" or I'll really tell you how I am. Most likely, the latter is what I'll use most of the time. For me "how are you?"....I always fool myself in thinking that this is a serious question. It's a little bit difficult to comprehend that it's a polite way of interacting by pretending to care for someone (to be fair, some people probably do care).

How I love paradoxes and oxymorons. They could fascinate me for hours and day like this thread has.

I've recently come up with a new system that I use in which I give x, y, and z co-ordinates for my mood.

X: Left to right (political). Left is -10, right is 10, neutral is 0
Y: Up to down, Up is motivated/energized/happy (+10), down is tired/unmotivated/depressed
Z: Front to back, -10 is bored, 0 is neutral, 10 is busy

So a conversation could potentially go like this:
Friend: How are you?
Me: 0, -2, 10



Unfortunately this would require an explanation and, for some people, a diagram. I'm still trying to solve the problem of accurately and quickly answering "how are you?"

I've found that if you keep your answers "short and sweet" (brief and positive), that others will see you as being polite i.e. "I'm fine thanks", or "I'm good", plus it saves you the hassle of saying, "No, I'm not OK", and then having them ask you 'What's the matter' etc.

Also, I occasionally ask then how they are, aswell- that is if have had past experience of them keeping their own answers to my guestions to a minimum (I usually can't stand small talk).

I just respond "fine" without thinking about it usually which I guess sounds kind of rude.

Anyone remember the fad of some saying "What it is?" as a greeting? No, that's not a typo. Talk about confusing. And stupid.

"Gayer than a rainbow."

It may take them a second to figure out you're being literal. Or not literal. Your choice. ;D

The "fine" part is obvious for the reason stated above, but you're always supposed to ask it in return. Even though I know this I almost never do it. It feels like such a painfully awkward and creepy thing to say.

Not only do you usually never really care how the other person is doing (you just want it to be finished, and for them to go away) but you also know that the other person doesn't actually care how you're doing either, you know they don't care about your answer but you also know that they know that you don't really care how they're doing either. when you ask the question in return.

It is so confusingly pointless. They know neither of you care, and you know it too. So why do we have to do it?

Usually someone who had read a psychology book or two would try to explain this as a way of bonding, a soacial "give and take" to show the NT that you are both open to interacting with each other, and are capable of showing interest in each other's affairs. Right, ok, but that explains nothing. We all know that it is fake and we all know that we all know. So this "give or take" is not actually happening at all, and the frequent occurance of this little ritual only serves to remind us that this bond is false, instead of doing the opposite as intended.

It is so mind-bogglingly irrational and stupid, I literally cringe every single time I'm faced with this situation. I know I have to say it but I just can't, it's like I seize up and my body just won't let me say it.

It's different when there's something that I genuinely want to know, but even then, if it's about their personal well-being it will still feel quite awkward. It can be difficult to know how to phrase that kind of question, unless we are on very familiar terms with each other, a familiarity where some physical contact is not entirely unusual and personal space is less rigidly defined. For various reasons, that makes a question like "how is your arm/leg/head?" seem more appropriate, possibly because frequently being in close proximity to their body has made its status seem like more of a legitimate concern, perhaps in the way that people sometimes feel a sense of shared responsibility for items which they both use.

And I don't just mean in some sexual way, although it might sound like it. I mean things as simple as frequently making contact while passing things to each other, like, a lighter or something. I won't feel weird asking how an arm is doing if it's an arm which has passed me a lighter a few million times. Without that kind of prior contact, I won't know how to ask without feeling strange, being overly self-conscious and feeling like I'm speaking in an unusual or forced tone of voice, which they will pick up on, and let their imagination run wild thinking about the reason why I'm speaking so oddly. If I can't see any reason why I would have any legitimate concern about their well-being, it just feels wrong to ask, even when I want to know.

Wow, I seem to have rambled a lot about such a small and pointless thing.

I don't like when most people ask how I am because I know most people don't expect or want the truth.

I either answer with the expected fake response, or I just make a noise and fake a smile, not really answering them but acknowledging their question.

It is easier than you think. It is more or less a greeting of sorts and other cultures have equally strange greetings.

If you wish to take it literally and you are not "fine" just say "I am hanging in there" That is NT code for "not worth a d@mn" The responce you get will most likely be simple encouragement like "keep hanging in there" or " sometimes thats all we can do" , every once in a while someone will actually try to talk with you about it. But this is not the usual.
Saying, "I am hanging in there", is the NT way of telling others things are not going well without getting personal.

Jojo

Fine thanks, yourself?
Eh, so so. How you doing?
Not very well at the moment, but thanks for asking. How are you?
Absolutely great! How's it going with you?

The things you do not say are

Constipated. I haven't gone since Thursday.
Tired, I was up all night with kids throwing up.
I don't know. Everything in the word is going on and I'm so completely overwhelmed.
Crampy. I wish my periods would just go ahead and stop! I mean my husbands had a vasectomy for 15 years now, there's no need for this!

Etc.

_________________
I'm giving it another shot. We will see.
My forum is still there and everyone is welcome to come join as well. There is a private women only subforum there if anyone is interested. Also, there is no CAPTCHA.

The link to the forum is http://www.rightplanet.proboards.com