My husband is like a child

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I've read that some people with AS either mature way too quickly or way too slowly (am I understanding that correctly?)...I suspect that I matured way too quickly (mostly due to child abuse I'm guessing), however my husband still behaves like a child. Sometimes I adore this aspect of him, like when it's time to relax and unwind, or when he's spending time with our baby son. But most of the time, it's a real problem because I get stuck handling all of our responsibilities by myself. It's very overwhelming and stressful, and it's gotten to the point where we are selling our house because we're both convinced that he's not getting better any time soon, and I don't believe I can continue to live up to the pressures of home ownership on my own for much longer. I could go on and on about this...but I'll spare you the details. Can anyone relate to this? Does anyone have any advice? I find myself treating him like he's my child, which is honestly the last thing that either of us want, but he truly does behave like a child, and I don't know how else to respond to that.

I have a career, an excellent cultural background, but I'm a child.
I hate to deal with bills, I check my bank account once each four or five months at best, I can't bother to pay my bills on time etc.
I don't think I'll ever change. Luckily I earn a lot more than I spend, but if my life depended on counting money and being responsible, I'd be in deep trouble.

It's not that I don't like organization, I simply can NOT deal w ith it, period.

Probably not what you wanted to hear, sorry.

I don't know - would it help to give him a short to-do list? I say short so it looks reasonable and is doable - not overwhelming - more can come later. Maybe ask him to help pick three things he knows he can take on - or he picks two, you pick one - something like that ? I've found that in my home - it is a very small negotiation, but it can help ease the pressure. Even if it starts out as just one thing he gets committed to - it's something. It's hard to change a whole person, but little changes add up. Just an idea. Best Wishes.

LM

I have that same problem in that I matured too quickly in some ways (intelligence, lack of interest in beer/cigarettes/drugs as a teen, get along great with seniors even as a child, head in the clouds in elementary school) but VERY slowly in other ways (little to no understanding of relationships, dating, etc even in University, struggle with empathy, feel like a 21-22 year old, perceived laziness, bad attitude). I have to admit that emotionally I'm very immature (but making great strides lately) however since many of the people I work with are worse it isn't as noticeable. I would second Logicalmom: a short, clear, concrete to do list is very important. As well, I find I get very angry and frustrated if I don't understand WHY I'm doing something. Once I know (and understand) it's much easier to deal with.

No wonder why I can't form close relationships: I'm a walking contradiction with a high IQ, good looks and nice smile but with a nasty temper, childish attitude, alternate between a complete lack of confidence and total arrogance and inability to understand body language. On the plus side if he's anything like me he'll have no problem understanding and communicating with kids. That can certainly come in handy in the coming years! Sorry I can't be more helpful but I'm still working through this even at 29.

First of all, you sound stressed and I'm sorry. Stress is no good at all. Do you feel burdened by your husband and his apparent inability to take matters into his own hands? You should have a heart to heart with him about it, but only when you are calm and clear headed so that you don't cause him to get defensive or hurt, which would obviously only serve to further complicate matters.

How does he behave like a child? I know you alluded to handling all responsibilities by yourself but be specific.

Have you ever asked him to help you? No, it isn't like him seeing that this or that needs to be done and just doing it while you relax or focus on other things. But asking him to help you might get him motivated to finish neglected chores, and it will take SOME of the burden off of you.

An example: my boyfriend tends to get distracted easily and falls behind on cleaning and organizing. He needs help with this - he can't do it on his own. This is nothing I'm resentful about. It's just what I signed up for when I decided to commit myself to him. He will probably never shoulder the responsibility of cleaning up after himself, at least 100%, and that's just the reality. Some people might complain about that, if he were their spouse or boyfriend. But the plain fact of the matter is, he needs a little help from time to time.

For instance, he needs to stick to a routine and when he starts straying from that routine, I have to gently pull him back in line. If I notice he hasn't picked up his dirty laundry, I casually point that out to him. I do NOT guilt trip him or act resentful/fed up. That just causes tension. I think saying something like, "I'd like for you to help me pick up the dirty laundry and put it in the laundry basket" is very helpful and very clear. He is usually eager to help once I ask him and it's motivation to get him going. While we are standing in the kitchen I will ask, "Do you need help with x, y and z?" if I notice he is slacking.

Basically it may not be what you want to hear but you probably have to do these tasks together instead of expecting him to take it upon himself to keep the finances in order, keep up with housekeeping, pay bills, etc. It doesn't have to be a bad thing. With my boyfriend, instead of feeling like I'm burdened, I just think of it like... it's a positive thing - we're partners. We're a team. There are tasks that have to be completed in life and we'll just do them together.

It's okay, I'm trying to understand the problem, and you seem like you're much more self aware than my husband. If accepting this and learning to work with something that isn't going to change is the answer, than I'm okay with it...I'm just not sure if that's the bottom line here or not.

Thanks, we've tried this. I hung up a white board and put a list of all of the things that we need to do on it...and than asked him, for example, to finish a specific one by the end of the weekend. The weekend would come and go, and he would claim that he forgot. If I asked him during the course of the weekend to work on it, he would either ignore my requests or stomp his feet and do it in a childish manner, exactly like if a mother demanded that her child clean their room or else they would be punished. This kind of behavior coming from an adult is confusing, to say the least.

I think that my husband is like this to some degree, but he still won't take responsibility, even when he understands the importance of a specific task. If anything, he just gains an appreciation for the fact that I need to do it.

Thank you, I am trying to reduce my stress (like by selling my house). Yes, I do feel very burdened by my husbands inability to take matters into his own hands. I'm not even asking for him to take initiative any longer, I can't even get him to complete simple tasks that help to aide me in the responsibilities. I have had heart-to-heart's with him. Lots of them. I've even tried discussing these issues over email, so that he would have time to process what I'm saying, and read it over and over again if he need's to. I've tried positive reinforcement, and I've tried getting mad at him and being very firm. I even made him aware of the fact that I've considered moving out (I wasn't trying to manipulate him, I just wanted him to understand the severity of the situation). Nothing changed. He always says that he's going to try harder to grow up, and than never does. When I bring it up, he claims that he forgot, or simply states that he's not a good husband.



Here's a few specific examples:

- Last year he ordered 3 full cords of fire wood, and left them sitting in the driveway for me to stack. He claimed over and over again that he would do it, but didn't lift a finger. I tried to encourage him by moving the entire 3 cords closer to the wood stack, and he just left it there and it killed a huge section of grass. I ended up stacking all of the wood myself to get it off of the grass.

- He claims that he will mow the lawn on the weekends, but does not ever get up and do it. I had to hire my neighbor to mow half of the lawn for us, while either my husband or I mow the other half. So basically, he'll mow half the lawn, about half the time.

- He claimed that he was going to build stairs onto our deck. Long story short, we had no way to get into our house safely until I learned how to build deck stairs and did it myself.

- I asked him to help me with a very specific task to help aide in selling our house. He agreed that it was a good task for him to do. He did not do it, because he forgot.

- When we first got married, he was paying bills twice per month, so I took over that task. Recently he agree'd to try to be more responsible and handle the bills, and I am needing to remind him to pay bills, and finding myself having to make sure I pay the ones he missed. He has no idea how much money we have.

- Our baby son is showing signs of autism, and is on a waiting list for early intervention. My husband is not concerned, see's no reason to worry, and can't understand why I'm experiencing any stress due to this. Basically, it's not his problem.

- He leaves messes all around the house for me to clean up. I've tried everything I can think of to stop this, nothing has worked.

- He wants to go to the park or watch TV/Movies in all of his free time, even when something important needs to be done at that time.

- He only recently realized that it's his responsibility to buy himself clothes when they are worn out, and decide when it's time to get a hair cut and go get one. Sometimes he needs me to tell him that he needs to take a shower or change his clothes.





Yes, I have tried everything. I even put myself in therapy to get professional assistance with these issues. The only thing that we have found to work is if I actually stand next to him while he completes a task. I have to practically hold his hand the whole time in order to get it done. I feel like I'm practically doing it myself.



I get that, I really do...but this is not what I signed up for. I had no idea that either of us had AS, and no idea that any of these problems existed. My husband seemed to handle himself just fine when we were dating. He rented an apartment and went to a very prestigious college, had friends and took care of himself. In retrospect, I see that his mother was handling a lot of his affairs, which I wasn't aware of. The responsibility was transferred from his mother to me, but nobody told me! He dropped every last one of his friends after we got married, and everything changed dramatically.



I know that this is going to be the bottom line in the end, I am just having a terribly difficult time accepting it. I guess I'm just trying to gain understanding of what is going on, and ways that we can work to have him be as independent as he can be. I think that if I can understand that he actually does have these limitations, and that he's not being lazy or irresponsible on purpose, that will help me to get to the place of acceptance a lot faster.

Thanks for your help, I appreciate it.

I think you would love to talk to my Mother. She has complained about this for years to me over and over and over again (about my Father) and could have literally wrote that post word for word. Once I clued in (after a long talk with him) that he likely as Asperger's as well (he has the symptoms AND the stereotypes) it was much easier to understand he wasn't lazy and I was better able to identify and try to correct my own 'lazy and selfish' behavior.

One thing I can tell you is that the 'normal' ways of dealing with this behaviour simply won't work. My parents tried all of them on me and all it did was make them more and more stressed and me more angry and frustrated. We Aspies are a different breed but I'm sure you know that all too well

It sounds like you 2 have differing views on what is considered acceptable living standards. You seem to require a higher standard than him.

Oh wow, I would not be able to be with someone like that. It give me too much stress and anxiety and I can't stand it when people say they will do something and they don't. Then I stop trusting them after a while and it shouldn't be that way in relationships. It just make me function worse and not be my normal self and not be the best I can be.

I don't think I have any solutions for you, but I can understand. I've had similar problems with myself, and with my fiance. Neither of us have been responsible enough to look after ourselves. I'm just getting to a point in the past month where I can look after myself, but he can't. What helped me start looking after things was to move out on my own and not have anyone else to rely on. My parents had to go to the other side of the country to deal with a family emergency, so I couldn't even really discuss my difficulties with them. I thought I'd go crazy from anxiety, or that I'd cause my cats to get sick or die, or that I'd get sick, or that I wouldn't pay things on time. I had to look after my parents' house too, so it was super crazy. I had to decide that I was committed to looking after myself and my cats, so I made a chore book that lists which chores I do each day of the week and I set it on the coffee table in front of the couch so I see it. It's very detailed, brightly coloured to attract my attention, has every chore including things as simple as "feed the cats" and "wash the dishes" because I might forget to do those things even though they're both daily chores. I also made sure to include things that others might do instinctively like "check the fridge for spoiled food" and "cook a real meal, making sure to make enough for leftovers for the next two days". It works for me, but I know it wouldn't work for my fiance. He can't even seem to put his dirty clothes in the hamper, and instead puts them beside the hamper on the floor. He can obviously see the hamper, but it's as if he doesn't recognize it as a hamper. He seems incapable of putting his dirty dishes in the sink, even though the sink is just across the room because I live in a small apartment. If I ask him to do anything, like pick up his dirty laundry and put it in the hamper, he gets upset and throws a tantrum or apologizes for being such a terrible fiance and gets really sad.
I feel bad because I know that I have been like that and I can understand him at some level, but I've started to work really hard on it and I get mad that he doesn't seem to be. I can very much understand your frustrations. I sometimes feel hurt that he isn't "trying harder" to help me, that he would try harder if he really loved me, but he doesn't seem capable. I don't want him to feel bad about himself, but I don't want to shoulder all of the responsibility and feel bad. But then I have my problems too and he has stuck by me through them, so I feel like I have to stick with him.
I hope that you find a solution that works for you two, and if you do please share!

Yeah, I know what you mean. I keep trying to remind myself that my own problems are just as severe and that the 'normal' solutions don't apply. I think I'm on the right track with selling our house though. That means that I'm at least accepting the fact that this isn't just going to magically stop being a problem, and that I can't handle all of the extra responsibility on my own.

This is true...and we have talked about this fact. We agree that neither view is "better" than the others, they're just different. The question is, what to do about it?

This is kind of where I'm at right now.