Being patronized
i_Am_andaJoy
Supporting Member
Joined: 27 Sep 2007
Age: 45
Gender: Female
Posts: 1,268
Location: Ocala, FL
This is the right attitude. I'm glad you're not insisting on the malicious intent everyone in this topic is certain about in a person they've never met. You can't like every aspect of every friend. Just have a talk about things that cross the line. That's how society functions. We all have to be flexible around each other.
Good comment.
_________________
www.asaspiepie.blogspot.com
Even in his lowest swoop, the mountain eagle is still higher than the other birds upon the plain, even though they soar. --Herman Melville
Look at the differences in their meanings:
Humiliate: to make (someone) feel ashamed and foolish by injuring their dignity and self-respect, esp. publicly.
Patronize: to treat with an apparent kindness that betrays a feeling of superiority.
Um... this could be an excellent example of being patronizing.
Ha-ha.
But no. Just trying to be informative without being mean or patronizing.
From her other posts, it appears Joe90 is still grappling with words and their meanings. When I was her age, I loved dictionaries, thesauruses and encyclopedias. Now with the internet and computers, we have instant access to virtual libraries. Anyway finding the right word has always been a particular interest to me (but perhaps an annoyance to others).
I don't think you were intending to be patronizing.
That's why it was so funny.
I don't think intent is necessary.
Many people who are patronizing do not intend to be.
You may think you are being informative, but whether Joe feels humiliated or not is subjective on her part.
You can't really argue that humiliate is a more appropriate word, and that Joe is incorrect, because Joe is telling us how she feels.
If the situation happened to you, then sure, you might feel humiliated, and that would be the right word for you.
Finding the right word does not always apply when the words belong to someone else.
Saying that Joe is "grappling with words and their meanings" is a judgement call, you are indicating that you think your ability is superior to hers. If someone said that to me, I'd find it very patronizing.
But, good job validating the OP's complaint.
Oh, but aren't you the one who has twice now patronized me?
Pshaw. We all make judgment calls, including you. And Joe90 consistently puts herself up for scrutiny. And you want only that we give "good" comments?
Good, bad or indifferent -- your commenting only critiques others' comments. What "joy" have you brought to this discussion?
I'm seeing none whatsoever.
She assaulted you, Joe90. She laid hands on you and yanked on your arm to stop you from boarding. That's what you wrote.
If she were patronizing you, she would have said something like, Oh, Joe90. You're so eager to get on. Let's let all the old people board first.
But that's not what she did and that's not what she said. She wounded your pride by making you think badly of yourself, as if you were some ret*d child.
And you still want to think you were patronized?
I sometimes am treated like that by friends or family members. Sometimes I'll have someone grab my arm to stop me from crossing the street in front of traffic when I had no intention of crossing at that exact moment - very insulting, and I tell them so. I would have said the same to that friend, or, if I didn't feel comfortable speaking up, reassess the friendship.
"Treat with an apparent kindness that betrays a feeling of superiority" does apply here, imho. The friend was probably "helping" the OP behave appropriately, in her mind, and felt the need to do so because she already believed he didn't understand how to behave. If she thought of him as an equal, even if she didn't see the other passenger wave him ahead, she would have assumed he had good reason for his actions and let him be.
i_Am_andaJoy
Supporting Member
Joined: 27 Sep 2007
Age: 45
Gender: Female
Posts: 1,268
Location: Ocala, FL
Duh. YES.
I strongly considered spelling that out for you in my last comment. But I was carefully avoiding "being too mean" since it would not have been as hilarious if it was not clearly in the patronizing category.
Thank goodness you were clever enough to pick up on it.
_________________
www.asaspiepie.blogspot.com
Even in his lowest swoop, the mountain eagle is still higher than the other birds upon the plain, even though they soar. --Herman Melville
i_Am_andaJoy
Supporting Member
Joined: 27 Sep 2007
Age: 45
Gender: Female
Posts: 1,268
Location: Ocala, FL
Have you had a chance yet to talk to your friend and let her know that her actions made you feel this way?
_________________
www.asaspiepie.blogspot.com
Even in his lowest swoop, the mountain eagle is still higher than the other birds upon the plain, even though they soar. --Herman Melville
You may have felt embarrassed but honestly I think if anyone was paying attention, they would've thought your friend, not you, was behaving strangely.
I am wondering if she might be agoraphobic or claustrophobic. I had a friend like that once, and he did similar things all the time.
Nope , I know I am more intelligent than most people , even the mensa iq test told me this .Having said this I feel pretty dumb , do you ?
_________________
Theirs a subset of America, adult males who are forgoing ambition ,sex , money ,love ,adventure to sit in a darkened rooms mastering video games - Suicide Bob
Duh. YES.
I strongly considered spelling that out for you in my last comment. But I was carefully avoiding "being too mean" since it would not have been as hilarious if it was not clearly in the patronizing category.
Thank goodness you were clever enough to pick up on it.
I want to be patronized to .....
_________________
Theirs a subset of America, adult males who are forgoing ambition ,sex , money ,love ,adventure to sit in a darkened rooms mastering video games - Suicide Bob
Yes , I have been told I am good looking or a "nice guy " Don't believe it I feel ugly and horrible , just like many of the people around here feel like
_________________
Theirs a subset of America, adult males who are forgoing ambition ,sex , money ,love ,adventure to sit in a darkened rooms mastering video games - Suicide Bob
I guess it depends on what you call patronized. But I have some options.
When I was volunteering and they brought up an issue with me to my mother instead of me.
When my sister sometimes speaks for me in public, or tells me how to act. (To be fair I have some selective mutism, and also tend to have speech issues like stuttering when over stimulated. I also have difficulty understanding people sometimes).
When an ex friend of mine stopped being friends with me at school because he was being bullied by association.
Anyway my sixth grade science teacher would ever speak to me.
_________________
Diagnosed autistic level 2, ODD, anxiety, dyspraxic, essential tremors, depression (Doubted), CAPD, hyper mobility syndrome
Suspected; PTSD (Treated, as my counselor did notice), possible PCOS, PMDD, Learning disabilities (Sure of it, unknown what they are), possibly something wrong with immune system (Sick about as much as I'm not) Possible EDS- hyper mobility type (Will be getting tested, suggested by doctor) dysautonomia
I haven't been patronized by older people, because they realize I know things that a lot of people might not know in a factual sense and we have good discussions. Nobody patronizes me now, but I do feel left out of a lot of things because of my late start in doing a lot of normal adult things. I am surprised how understanding people are of me. Some even like me. I am always afraid that my lack of experience will set me apart.
One thing I find frustrating is when people say, "You're just as good as anyone else," when this isn't the objective truth. I have a long way to go and I know it.