Age you discovered the non-verbal?

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Anton, what you share here would make Elton John seem autistic when he sings:
So excuse me forgetting but these things I do
You see I've forgotten if they're green or they're blue
Anyway the thing is what I really mean
Yours are the sweetest eyes I've ever seen

I learnt abOut it at school in class as Part of the curriculum and then later at uni again as part of the course. Still working out the nuances and have to focus on it really hard.

First clear example I recall of reading a person's feelings was when I was 27. A biggish guy came up and told me that if I didn't stay away from his estranged partner, he'd punch my lights out. For some reason it didn't feel as dangerous as it sounds......and the idea came into my head that he must be still in love with her, and I just told him that, and he started crying. Almost like something out of a film. I've still no idea what kind of a risk I took back then, or whether I'd unconsciously sensed that it was safe.

Only a couple of years before that I remember having a longstanding problem with my (then) wife because she kept reading between my lines instead of taking me literally (she was probably NT)........I sincerely thought it was complete humbug.

So it was quite a leap. I'd done my first counselling sessions (the marriage was failing) and that had alerted me to emotion, though in a very small way - I was still convinced, for example, that my lack of aggression wasn't worrying because "it's a redundant emotion." I was also very lonely and wanting to learn to be an extravert so I could fix that permanently. I read a lot of psychology and the popular books that were coming out about body language. The marriage broke up and I ended up in a shared house in a district full of bohemians, we were already doing music together, most people were really friendly and tolerant, and I threw myself into their community, hook line and sinker. With that kind of faith in human nature, I was a different person.

Of course I hadn't really gone from Spock to empathic guru in 2 years. A lot of my immediacy was pretty weird and I sure wasn't picking up on everything they felt, but bohemians don't easily get freaked out by weirdness, and we were all really non-judgemental, so I didn't alienate them in spite of a few gaffes.

Anyway, although I had flashes of inspiration about how others (and I) were feeling, it's always remained patchy, but I've worked and played with quite a lot of people since then, and have absorbed a lot. After the DX just after I joined WP, I realised I had alexithymia, so that pointed me towards tracking down feelings in self and others, just like all the counsellors had recommended.

It was only 2 or 3 years ago that I stumbled onto what flirting was all about. I'd always felt disdain for the whole concept, and saw it as nothing to do with serious relationships at all, but then I found out about emotional infidelity - which seems to be much the same thing as flirting - and that opened my eyes to a lot, and it quite bowled me over. I'd stumbled through serious relationships without knowing about it, I'd often felt strong jealousy and guilt when they or I had crossed lines, but rarely with any awareness of what exactly was wrong with the picture.

So I guess I'm more than a beginner at the between-the-lines thing, but there's probably tons left that I don't know. People are still to some extent emotional black boxes to me. I have theories but there's a lot of uncertainty. I keep re-evaluating past encounters and seeing the emotional meanings more clearly. I'm often like Sherlock Holmes with interpersonal issues, sniffing out the clues. It's time consuming and often tiring, but I've got a lot of faith in it being the right track, and the discoveries can be rewarding as well as humbling.

I had a very wise father who began explaining these things to me when I was very young. He explained facial expressions and eye contact to me from the time I can remember. I think he had to learn these things the hard way so he just assumed he needed to teach his children. He used to tell me things like "You will never get anything you want unless you look a person in the eyes... for a few seconds at least. But not too long." and " There is nothing in a man's eyes that will hurt you but if you care to learn you can tell if the man might hurt you." oh and "You don't have to focus right on the eyes. Just look at the bridge of the nose and you can still see the eyes."

It didn't dawn on me what he was talking about until I had to deal with a bully at school. Then I just suddenly got it. It's not just the eye but all that skin and muscles around the eye. People move their eyelids and muscles of their face to change the shape of their eyes. Same as with smiling and frowning.... the eyes join in. And then when someone is trying to hide their true feelings, most people can make their mouth smile but can't control their eyes when they are angry or sad. So then things don't match up, Which is really disturbing.

Nonverbal leakage, the failure of the social mask. I suppose the best way of dealing with it is to leave the lie unchallenged but try and give out some reassurance if you can work out in time what's bugging them. Not easy.

I was 19 when I've discovered non verbal body language. I learned about body language in the course that I took in College.