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Asperger's, Flirting, and Paranoia over Sexual Harassment

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Jacoby
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15 Apr 2016, 3:56 pm

Flirting really isn't in my vocabulary, I can't read people like that. I avoid talking to people in general and don't initiate things, self esteem just isn't there. I don't believe anybody likes me even if they do, always depressing when you realize that after the fact.



Spiderpig
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15 Apr 2016, 4:20 pm

hmk66 wrote:
At work I have even sometimes got the compliments, that I am even good with women. Very social for someone on the autistic spectrum. When I am relaxed I will often smile and makes (typical autistic dry) jokes. So that is hard to relate to sexual harassment.


I guess you're a lot more experienced than me, but I've never found any kind of joke really safe. If you don't interact much with people, especially outside work or school settings, you'll be oblivious to most sexual double entendres people around you attach to what seem to you perfectly innocuous words and phrases, and women, especially the most attractive ones, will be so used to getting them all the time they'll probably understand that way anything awkward you tell them, and consequently feel harassed and get cross with you.

hmk66 wrote:
Still, none of my behaviour is taken as sexual harassment. When I find a women hot it is even unnoticeable or she does not get hostile. She is still friendy, whether she already has a boyfriend or is married, or none of these two.


Congrats then. It seems to take a long learning process to achieve those results.

hmk66 wrote:
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so anyways there are some clear rules you can follow like don't touch, don't stare at her body, don't stare at her face unless you are currently interacting with her, and don't make sexual comments about her as a subject or an object. if you do make some kind of advance and she turns you down (or for safe measure, doesn't explicitly accept the advance) do not try again, because if the advance you made wasn't sexual harassment doing it again could very well be. talk to her about nonsexual things and treat her like an acquaintance or a friend. if you and her are not compatible on a friendly level flirting will not really work out anyways since flirting is such a subtle form of social interaction.

I gerenally never makes advances. That is safer, but it will backfire me. Not because of sexual harassment, but because it will be impossible to get into a relationship.


Heh. Every standard of acceptable behavior with women very much boils down to me to "give up all hope of ever having any kind of romantic or sexual relationship and act like that's normal and to be expected of you, but generally not of anyone else---since they obviously do get romantic and sexual relationships". I don't understand how this doesn't have the same effect on others. My guess is that this is yet another instance of rules meant to be broken, but only by those willing to risk the consequences of offending the wrong person. And, of course, the number of "wrong people" to offend is lower the tougher and street smarter you are.

hmk66 wrote:
I am not young anymore, although I have still a young appearance. Women that pay attention to me, are way younger than I am. They also think that I am roughly of their age (or of the age they want a potential boyfriend to be). The last noticeable time, was when a 16 years old girl hit on me, while I maybe 47 or 48 at that time. I could be her father! She constantly stared at me, so much, that her friends noticed that.


I'm so used to feeling like a pervert just for silently liking women (though I'm sure it's still obvious I like them from my unconscious non-verbal cues) I can't help feeling I'm taking advantage of them when they seem friendly, especially if they're much younger than me or look naïve for any other reason.


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16 Apr 2016, 2:15 pm

JohnnyLurg wrote:
And then it continues to confuse and surprise people just how disturbed I am.


You might want to try a dating site. Women who are on a dating site already expressed that they're available by... being on a dating site.

Then, try to get as many dates as possible. Ideally, go for women with the same level of education / intelligence and at least one shared interest. That makes it a lot easier to actually have something to talk about once you actually end up on a date.

The more dates you have, the more you'll learn about women (through experience). The more you learn about women, the more likely one of them may end up being into you.

If you're too afraid to make a first movie but you think she just might be interested, try asking your date if you're allowed to kiss her. If she isn't interested in you at all, she won't hesitate to point that out. If she is interested in you, she may not admit that she wants you to kiss her (women... I know), but at least she'll know that you are interested in her as well. This, in turn, might encourage her to make a move when SHE is ready. And if she does admit that she wants to you kiss her, then you actually have her explicit permission to be kissed. :wink:

Now, this is a lot harder than it sounds if you have no experience with women... but I'm pretty sure this is the approach most likely to lead to success.