Can someone have great social skills and still have AS?

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Agreed. That's an excellent analogy.

I agree with this, it is exactly what I do.

Someone earler said you can't ask strangers direct questions .

you can you just have to figure out when its apropreat to ask.

I find asking is alot better then guessing and it is alot less stress.


When I was still learning how to use my check book I was at a store and compleatly forgot how to do it. I usually wouldn't ask but I did and they were happy to help me write it.

This may not be the best example, but what I am trying to say is even compleat strangers can be understanding .

Next time you are having trouble understanding a social situation just ask. You should use a little
tact when going about it but it does work .

Sure, just ask the CEO directly who his friends are, who are staying in the company.

I think you haven't yet discovered the difference between "how do you I write a cheque" and the unspoken.

I think it is perfectly viable that a person with AS could have good social skills. It depends a lot on which skill you are talking about. I have been told I am really good at speaking (although in an unusual way, rather formal) whenever I am with one or two people, but put me in a group of 3+ and I lose every skill completely.

Indeed. And when they actually study things, disabled people have the same happiness level as they had before they were disabled (if they were not born that way), sometimes a little higher than before even, if it caused them to rethink their priorities. Happiness seems highly tied to something inside people that has nothing to do with abilities.

There's a saying that if you don't get what you want, it's becase you didn't want it enough. I think it's often true of Aspies seeking to do the social skills thing.

I like to think anything's possible, and I've astonished myself at what I can do at times. But it tends to be like pearl-diving, I have to come back up for air.

Nor do I know if "good" social skills would pass my ethics testing. I get the impression that a good socialite is also a good con artist.

I've no idea how happy the (neuro)typical person is. They don't always look particulary cheerful to me.

Judging by what you write in your posts we are sorta alike.
I used to be suicidal but no longer am. I had a difficult time when I had to deal with difficult people everyday, in my youth, too.
I read the post where you mentioned Star Trek DvDs. I used to go to Star Trek conventions whenever they happened in the city.
I am beginning to realize how socially limited I have been in the past...
How often people have tried to talk to me at places like Star Trek conventions but, for whatever reason I would answer with one word mumble-ations, not look at them, and quickly did what I could to get away.
When I was a kid I went overboard, talking all the time to people and I got so many negative reactions and people not taking me seriously. That is another reason why I am so quiet now.

I never realize how socially limited I am:(
Oh well.

Greentea,
I read the part about not knowing how to please a CEO and thought about your post and realized I would not be able to handle that kind of workplace unless something happened to change my way of relating to the world entirely.
I couldn't deal with that kind of stress and all those people wanting job security. Maybe I could if given a magical drug that made me immune to stress and worry I could be resilient enough to deal with the politicking that goes with that kind of career.
However, that doesn't mean I wouldn't be good at other careers. Maybe we just are not suited for that type of work, but it doesn't mean we cannot find happiness and fulfillment doing something we are great at and enjoy. Something that doesn't create this tension we feel when we cannot figure others out (and believe me I know where you are coming from on this, I have the same problems)
There are careers like that out there for us Aspies. I wouldn't waste time trying to fit into something that would just depress me and cause me stress though. Happiness and well being is much more important than a job I would be miserable doing.

I was happy before I moved here and started going to school, I have seen it in photos.
All the pictures of myself since we moved here are ones of frowns and sullenness.
I often wish I could find the happy child I once was, or go back in time and not have any years spent here at all. Since I appeared to be so happy at one time in my life, I wonder if it could have been perserved if handled differently?
It's non productive to think this way, but sometimes I slip into negativity and feel like this place has completely ruined my life. I could dwell on it, but there's no reason to.

Ana, I'm glad someone here understands what I'm talking about.

Unfortunately, you can't escape the need for social intuition. It's worse in some circles than others, but the unspoken is everywhere. I'm barely surviving without a grasp of the unspoken, and believe me, I know when to smile, can do smalltalk, eye contact, and all those "social skills" things. If AS was just the need for a remedial course in "social skills" or the need to interview for "a better job", it wouldn't be the huge problem it is and so many Aspies wouldn't be living on welfare.

I don't know where so many Aspies got the idea that you can overcome AS, and that you can do so by learning "social skills". I suppose it's wishful thinking of the young and inexperienced.

me.

In the beginning they love me, they laugh, they think I am silly and at the same time smart, it can last even 2 years, I am a friend to people but nobody is to me, "actually" I can't get who is lying to me and who is telling the truth and those who are tricked all the time. I have real friends, I am sure. But there's a point in which they get scared and run away because they realiaze I will be forever this way , maybe because my concept of friendship and love is different from theirs, because I believe that things have to last forever- I am one of those never been kissed legends at age 21-, I cuddle but don't like to be cuddled without permition by strangers(consider I live in Brazil and people are touchy).

Friendship and love has to be like energy it has always to be transformed and never destroyed Being an aspie I am terrible in giving gifts to people, so I usually give them things I love most like the books that I read, the clothes that I wear, the things that I collect like "seeds" and "leaves". It's hard to think that people think differently I know in theory, but in practice I can't undertand.

ADHD was my first diagnosis, it's right, I have what they call brain in flames and also choleric, and small lesions, but later I was "hyperlexic", and then asperger because of my childhood around books, pecualiar boring speech echoing echoing echoing about something nobody was intereasted in hearing, unable to talk about my feelings untill age 16, weird love for objects, number, letters, science, oh yeah, adults loved me, kids no, only the one in wheelchairs ' and other disabilities coz they couldn't run away from me so they heard me. My weird collections of everything which mom called garbage and ritualist behaviour and of course a weird way to interect with people without knowing they didn't want to interec with me drove me intro asperger. *I have three psychiatrists appointments this month yay!*

I think that ADHD aspergers usually talk a lot of course, but sometimes they are nervous around people and don't know what to do, so they use their silly jokes and their intelect as a barrier, because they are afraid of questions and hearing from you. I've never told this to anyone untill another asperger(my best friend told me) "I know you laugh too much when you are desperate", she read my thoughts.

I went out to learn social skills, but that is only the half of it.

What I found helpful was creating an image of being weird so that people would realise I was weird from the very beginning. And then I would try to empathise with the person by watching for all those hidden minefields and when I sense I am close to one I steer things away from the mine.

For example I was talking to a girl a few months ago and I said to her "Do you still talk to the people from Uni?" and she said "I have moved on since Uni, that was years ago." and seemed annoyed. I realised that she thought I thought she was a loser who hadnt changed since Uni. Before studying "How to Win Friends and Influence People" I would never have realised that.

I thought "WTF? That wasnt what I meant!" and I said to her "No, I mean that they might walk into your shop and you might chat to them, or keep in touch via email."

This is an example of the stupid misunderstandings that occur when talking to NTs. I see it all the time. I say something and they come to some totally weird conclusion about what I have said.

I find that it takes a lot of intellectual deduction and attentiveness talking to them. It is not an easy thing.

Agreed with Synth from a different perspective and place.
Would remove the plethora of co-morbidities with immediate effect, were the option available. Frankely I am weary most of the time, when I am socially successful I exhausted myself to get there, instigating techniques that come naturally to most human beings. Can rarely uphold the single-sided adaption long term.
ide from this, all ponderings conclude with shedding the 'disabilities' that burden me so completely. Not being pessimistic... Realistic. However enlightened we may be, who would actually choose perminent obstacles for themselves?!

Last edited by Jenk on 09 Oct 2008, 5:44 am, edited 2 times in total.

zen, I'd take hers as a defensive response from someone who feels ashamed they didn't make any lasting friendships in Uni.

An NT would've asked your same question, gotten the same reply, but wouldn't have paused to analyze it. They have the social intuition to reach the useful conclusion unconsciously. They just "feel" that Uni social life is a no-no subject with this person. This is one example of what "social skills" can't teach and Aspies will always be handicapped about: the sensitivities of a specific person. This is called empathy and it's what we'll never have.

Sure, some Aspies are better at empathy than others, but not because they did any kind of learning on it. You can't learn empathy, because by definition empathy is an instinct and therefore inborn.

This is true, in the wrong context as I am not sure I feel ashamed or defensive, merely stating the obvious and pretty accustomed to transient friendships. They frazzle me, I made a couple of lasting ones at university, hit the house soon after I left, ignored calls and didn't contact. Needed to 'get it together.' Prefer the company of friends I have known since childhood as they are accustomed to my ways, not purely me acclimatising to their needs.
Would welcome innate awareness of body language/facial expression, 'small talk,' but not merely to 'make friends,' just to remove the effort felt conversing (or rather deciphering,) any discomfort my honesty/confusion/frustration ec causes others and especially the anxiety experienced in formal settings (Educational/Community/Family orientated.)
I also refered to removing habits, tics, paranoia, reading/writing difficulties and food allergies (Co-morbidities.) The latter relevant, as dining is a huge deal to friends and family. Feeling trapped in this setting, causes others to question whether I want to intergrate, though I value them to go along, the answer is often not so much. Carrot sticks and a walk anyone?

Last edited by Jenk on 09 Oct 2008, 6:13 am, edited 5 times in total.

A lot of it will depend on the extent that one has AS.

Sure. Also with parental support and self-understanding from an earlier age, I may not now feel as though for the most part, I have just coped with living. Knowledge of a condition is tremendously beneficial, and I am sure my view will change over the next ten years, as I continue to remidiate difficulties and adapt to living independantly. High hopes eh.